How did you know it was time to move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
How did you know it was time to move on?
4
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:44am

My husband and I have been married almost 12 years. We've had some major bumps in the road along the way but have seemed to work through them. In the past 6 months or so though, things seem to have gone downhill fast. At one time, I thought we'd be together forever. Now, I'm just not sure anymore. It seems we're down more than we're up and I just don't know how much I can take. For those of you who have been through divorce, how did you know that you had given enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:06am

Ive been separated for a little over a year and up until last week, I was still holding on, hoping and praying for him to "wake up". It's just not happening. Never mind the fact that he's on "relationship" # 2. Has had twins with the woman he first cheated on me with and is now seeing a 20yr old. But he's like jekyl and hyde. One minute he wants freedom to date more than one person then he wants a serious relationship with this girl, but is willing to still sleep with me stringing me along. He wants someone who will let him pee on every fire hydrant that he sees and likes. I cant, wont do that.

So I realized it was time to move on when last Friday we had an argument and she was in the car and he was giving me major attitude, disrespectful the way he was talking to me and I asked him why does he do that and he told me because he can! Needless to say I hung up and havent talked to him since. But when he's around me and talks to this preschooler, he makes sure to show her respect. Isnt that really nice especially when even through all his crap, I have still been there for him, done things for him that I probably shouldnt have which enabled him to take my love and kindness and use me for his benefit. He has lost his job and just really gone downhill since we split. When he needed to borrow milk for his twin girls who do you think he came to, me, not the chick he's with now.

You will let go when you realize that YOU are more important than they are, when you realize that YOU deserve to have all your dreams come true, that YOU deserve to be loved, honored and cherished. You will let go when you see that no matter how much love, and understanding you've shown them they can still treat you like garbage at the drop of a hat. Good luck, take care of YOU.

Hugs & Kisses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:08am
Also check out the web site divorce magazine .com It really helped me deal with alot of my feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:10am
Only you will know when you have given enough, it is different for everyone. The thing that helped me decide was an old Ann Landers question, "Are you better off with him or without him?" Only you can answer that. But you will know. One day a light bulb will go off and you will know. I knew when my husband wouldn't dance with me to our song. Sounds like a small thing, but that was my defining moment. I begged him to dance and he wouldn't. That's when I knew we were done. Things hadn't been right for a long time and I was trying to answer the Ann Landers question for myself, and that night I had my answer. It took me 4 months to prepare to leave and I didn't tell him until about 3 weeks before I moved. We were together for 11 years, married for over 6. We too had some major bumps in the road, but always got through them. Then it was like he just quit trying. I had been telling him for almost a year that things weren't right and he didn't seem to care. Then when I told him I was moving he suddenly cared. I told him it was too late, he should have cared a long time ago. So only you can decide when you have given enough. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:28am

I guess identifying the problem is the first step. What I mean is, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say you have tried EVERYTHING possible to work on your marriage and you can still say you think it might be time to let go, then it's time.


I guess I am like one of the other posters. I still held on for probably 1 year after he left. I still thought he would come around and come back to us. I guess there comes a time when you just know. No question in your mind at all.


I would work on you first. You sound down and out in a way. Work on you and try separating yourself from thinking and living the "marriage problems" Get out with friends, take your kids out just you and them, do things that make YOU happy. I know in my case I lost myself in taking care of my Husband and our kids. It wasn't until after he left that I realized that, but now I am much happier for realizing that I needed to work on me.


That's my advice. Work on you first, you can't ever rely on someone else to make you happy. If you aren't happy with you then you can't be happy in a relationship of any kind.


Many hugs to you and good luck.


Angelena