How did you say it?
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| Sat, 01-27-2007 - 11:06pm |
I think I am nearing the final stages of realizing that I want a divorce. I have gone through the denial, the confusion and tears, the thoughts of hope for us...but now I just know in my heart that I could be happier, that this isn't right for me. I want a seperation, at the very least. But I think what I really want is a divorce. Period.
My question, for those of you who have been the "leavers" is, how did you tell him/her? I can't bear the thought of it. I wish I didn't have to say a word, but could just run off in the middle of the night. My H doesn't deserve that, so I will have to summon the courage. So many times the stories from others on this board have helped propel me to the next stage in my journey. So lay it on me, how do people go about having this heartbreaking discussion?

Hi friend ~
It's ME (your penpal). Anyway, you probably shouldn't do this - but my H's T said that one woman brought her H into MC and totally unbeknownst to the H - the MC said "so why are we here today?" and the W said - I want a D and thought it would be better to say it in front of a T, where he can get some help dealing with it.
Seriously you have to just be honest and say what you need to say, when you are READY to say it.
Oh - I changed my user name in case you are confused. I found it interesting that we are both on this website in the Surviving D boards.
Love "dirty nutz"
I am also in this stuation. Guess what? I finally finally got the nerve to tell DH that I want a separation, figuring he would understand, because we are so distant already. Well, he said its NOT a good idea, and he will do anything, now we are in MC, reading lots of books, he is being as wonderful and helpful as can be, but I am so confused, I really have already moved past "us". *sigh* So now it is a waiting game, and I am hoping MC will point out our differences, I am humoring DH with the counseling, but also ready to move on....
So prepare yourself for ANY kind of reaction from your DH...and good luck.
keep us posted, I am interested in how it all goes....
take care and do what you feel in your heart..
eve
Hi Eve - I am in a similar boat as you.... H wanted out so we separated for three weeks. I begged him to try counselling but he refused. In the meantime I had a chance to reflect and realized just how bad things really were for us. Over those three weeks I came to the realization that our marriage was over - I dealt with it. Guess what last week he came to me and apologized for his bad behaviour. He finally agreed to go to counselling and seems completely committed to a new start. Sounds wonderful - if it weren't for the fact that I already let go.... I really do think I want out. My H has been verballyt and emotionally abusive for years - i just do n't want to deal with that crap anymore. period. I don't believe that even with counselling can a tiger change his stripes... My heart truely bleeds for our young daughters, I will give counselling a shot for their sake....I am so very confused... why do these guys wait until the 11th hour to put in an effort?
Rose
I tried for 30 yrs to help my stbx. It DID not work. and yes they do a complete turn about in the 11th hour but give it a few weeks........
I am not saying I know what your H will do and you need to decide how much chance you will give him. but look at me. married him three times now he is dumping for OW now that I am older. Nothing I ever did helped him to change. nothing.
As painful as my situation is to me right now If he did say he he wanted to try again there is NO WAY I could ever trust him again. I would not only distrust his faithfulness I would distrust his intentions and ability to ever be good to me.
So be it. I am 57 Maybe I have some years left that can be happy and peaceful!!
good luck rose and take good care of yourself no matter what you decide to do.
Edited 1/30/2007 1:20 am ET by dollyfrocks
I knew I wanted out in 2005 when I said to him "I am unhappy. I just want out."
Of course, that didn't go over well. He flipped out, stormed out of the house to cool off. He was angry with me for seeing a counselor behind his back. Refused counseling together because what does a stranger know about our relationship? Yet, when he cooled off, he promised to move mountains for me and change. I have to admit, he put in some effort, but sadly not much. It went back to the old ways. Some changes stuck. He finally started celebrating holidays that were important to me. But the overall attitude that I hated never went away. He was an angry hateful man.
Fast forward to late summer 2006. I moved out to relocate with my job. We hadn't split and at the time I didn't really intend to. Yes, I was still unhappy, but chose to accept my fate. I said "I do" so I did. But time apart made me realize how unhappy I really was and I needed to get out now or never. Sadly I didn't do it soon enough and he quit his job to relocate with me.
I was obviously distraught and ended up telling him again... "I'm unhappy, I just want out." He talked me into "trying" but quite frankly, I'd quit trying a year ago. I was just biding my time with him. I had no other options.
A blowout occurred in late November when he finally moved out. I never let him back in. I know what I need to do. I've known it for a long time. He still begs and pushes counseling (funny he never wanted counseling before.) I know he'll never change, but even if he could be in the 1% that does... I'm simply not in love with him anymore. I just want him to go away gracefully.
There is no grace obviously. It's painful and ugly, but I'm trying to get it over with as fast as possible.
That's my story for the most part. I just told him I was unhappy and wanted out. Whether you decide to try counseling (which from what I see he'll probably ask for) is up to you. If you know in your heart it's over and no counseling in the world would help, be strong and stick to your convictions. Very difficult... but possible. I'm managing. :)
been in horrible pain , I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I know that sounds crazy but you get addicted to these guys. you lose your own autonomy, your own soul, Plus I had this crazy idea that things had been better the last few years. Now think he was nice cause he was on yahoo personals looking at women for 3 yrs all the time planning a divorce while I thought things were better and I was planning on growing old with him.
I am extremely angry that he had lied to me the last few years and said I love you. all the while planning on leaving. Ha that is whathis married woman is doing to her husband. Planning to get with my stbx and leave him. Why doesnt she just tell him and get out? Because she wants to use him.
but I know what you mean when they abuse us then on top of that have another woman we lose all love and respect for them. I have cried alot yes but it is for theman I thought he was, it was for the future I thought we had, it was because he has always been here.
and the rejection is devastating because he has rejected me in many subtle ways for 30 years and add the big whammy to that Whoa no wonder I lost it.
They can really hurt you on holidays cant they? you try to be cheerful and put on a pretty holiday for everyone and they act like you are doing someting wrong and they arent about to cheer in with you. no they would rather hurt you at an important time of your life. My stbx was good withthe kids on holidays but a crab to me.
Oh my stbx would never go to counseling. There isnt anything wrong with him remember? its me LOL
he wants out. I think he is ready to run to that other woman and soon.
and the children. After being together this long you become habits whether good or bad.
I think I was waiting for the day that he would be nicer to me. I knew what he was doing was wrong or he needed meds or something.......He did tell me he loved me. And usually if we spatted he would beg and cry to stay together.
I am glad its over. He has the OW anyway. I guess I should be happy for him if he thinks this will be a better life for himseld. our youngest child is 24 so yes I stayed a bit too long. I dont know what is wrong with me. Like I said I know he did love me and when he showed it it was wonderful. His mother was the same way. she was very very mean to his dad. that is what he grew up with. My parents loved each other alot. My dad always told mymom how gorgeous she was and petted her all the time he adored her and she him.
They say if you want to know what your relationship will be like look at the parents. his parents fought daily and didnt even act like they liked each other.
I would guess fear of abandonment, lack of self confidence, the kids, and the good we did have all together kept me there. I am a very tolerant person with those I love. I just always try to give others the benefit of the doubt and another chance.
Well ........yes I think I will like being alone as long as I can eat. LOL
I will miss him........the good stuff. but I wont miss the bad. He had problems and I guess I thought I could help him.
Dear Hardtimes,
It's still all new for me, so my advice is maybe not worth much. I know how you feel, though, when you finally make this decision, which is so very difficult, and then all of the sudden the stbx wants you back, says he will move heaven and high water for you. In the "11th hour"...too little (or too much?) too late. It makes it that much harder, makes things that much more confusing right when you thought it was clear.
Everyone told me to tell him sooner rather than later. My therapist said that, if I was sure of my choice, to make it easier for him I should be distant and cold, if necessary, so that he wouldn't have any lingering hopes of reconciliation. That is not in my nature. I don't like being distant and cold. But if that's what it takes to make this easier (is that possible?) and to allow us both to move on, then so be it. Every time I see him or talk to him now he wants to talk about it, wants me to explain again why I don't want to give him another chance. Before I did try to explain, because I thought he deserved an explanation, but I just kept explaining in circles and it was never enough for him. Normal, I guess. So as difficult as it is, I'm trying the distance thing. Only time will tell...and I hope it will heal, too.
I wish you the best for your discussion - I'm sure it's never easy, no matter how it's done - and the best for your future.
Your ivillage name says it all!!
You're right. It's not an easy conversation to have, but inevitably, whether you are the "leaver" or not, it has to come about.
I'm Laurene, my divorce was final last week.
I got to the point that I knew if I stayed that I wouldn't survive. I told him, point blankly that it was "over". No if's, and's or but's about it. Over. He begged, pleaded, and asked again and again what he could do to "make" me stay. I told him that there was nothing, and I mean nothing that he could do. It would be too little, too late. After a 23 year lonely, awful marriage, and turning 40 this past year, I knew that I didn't want that for my life.
You're right too, when you said that you deserve to be happy. We all do.
Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you!
I look forward to getting to know you better.
Laurene