How did you tell you wanted a divorce
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How did you tell you wanted a divorce
| Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:51am |
I am getting ready to tell my dh of 20 years that I want a divorce and plan on telling him days after xmas.
How did any of you tell your dh's? Did you sit down and have a calm talk........did it just blurt out in an arguement? What was there intital reaction?
I am really nerveous and yet at the same time, oddly at peace with the whole thing. I think therapy has helped me get to that point.
My life is going to be absolute H**l financially cuz we filed bankruptcy and our house is in foreclosure and I know he is going to fight me on the 401k which is the only lump sum of money we have. I have an 8$ an hour job right now cuz the economy in Michigan is so bad and no one is hiring. I have 3 kids age 19, 16 and 13 so I know I will get support and possible alimony on that end.
Thanks for any help.
Vailgal
How did any of you tell your dh's? Did you sit down and have a calm talk........did it just blurt out in an arguement? What was there intital reaction?
I am really nerveous and yet at the same time, oddly at peace with the whole thing. I think therapy has helped me get to that point.
My life is going to be absolute H**l financially cuz we filed bankruptcy and our house is in foreclosure and I know he is going to fight me on the 401k which is the only lump sum of money we have. I have an 8$ an hour job right now cuz the economy in Michigan is so bad and no one is hiring. I have 3 kids age 19, 16 and 13 so I know I will get support and possible alimony on that end.
Thanks for any help.
Vailgal

Hi Vail,
I told my now ex-husband (of only 3 years, nothing compared to 20 yrs) that I wanted a divorce in early May this year. Actually it was only 10 days before our 3rd year anniv. I had been un-happy for the longest time, he's a good person, but was a lousy husband. I was coming home from the dentist one day and decided this was as good a time as any to let him know how I'd been feeling.
I was beyond scared, I had been since I seriously started considering telling him. I walked in the door and told him, "We need to talk." he asked "About what?" and I said "About me." He said "What about you?" I told him I wasn't happy, he replied There's a surprise you're never happy. My ex was not a nice man when it came to our relationship, he was very manipulative and degrading, constantly putting me down, so I half expected this. After I told him I wasn't happy and he responded you're never happy, I told him you're right and that's why I want a divorce. To my surprise he said "Ok" and walked away. When I followed I asked if he wanted a reason and he said no, this is where it turned into an argument. That in a nut shell is how I told him. When he finished yelling at me and sat there with nothing else to say, I left. I went to a friends house and didn't get back home until around 230 am.
The next day I called off work as I didn't sleep a wink, and he went to work. From work he called to try and "win" me back, all the BS of he could change and we can work it out. I stuck to my guns though and my divorce was final August 31st. I've never been happier, I believe I did us both a favor and today he admits it's true. We're ok friends as we still own a house together, I don't live there, he does and I pay 1/2 the mortgage. He's moving out in the spring and I'm taking over with my current BF.
It was the best decision I've ever made.
I had originally told my dh I wanted a divorce in march of 2005. He begged me to stay and I did. But I knew it was the wrong decision. I love him as a friend and that is it. He isn't a horrible person, but he can be emotionally abusive at times. For example, I workout alot and don't look 41 at all. But he always tells me "no matter how much you work out you will always be ugly" type of stuff.
But my main reason in wanting to leave is that we have outgrown each other. We are 10 years apart in age, he is 51. He works all day and then watches cartoons all night. He has no intersts, friends etc. Sex is soooooooo boring I could file my nails through it!!
There are no common interets other then our dog and our daily conversations consist of the weather and our dog. We have 3 kids and I deal with them all the time. Every once in awhile he decides to be the parent. They are mainly my responsabiity. Just last night I was majorly after my 16 year old to study for a test. I was pleading with him to concentrate. My dh sat on the couch oblivious to what I was doing. Didn't help, didn't tell his son he better buckle down and get studying etc. I just feel that everything, financnes, kids, house, work etc falls to me so if that is how it is going to be.......then I may as well be divorced and possibly meet someone who I will truly love and have a more rewarding life with. Right now I am just brain dead, sexually dead etc. We have been to cousenling and all that and it just doesn't work for me. I have been in therapy for awhile weighing my options, thinking over my decision and I am at such peace with it that I know its right.
Thanks for the reply.
Vailgal
Oh Vailgal, How awful for you. My XH never said the types of things your DH says to you, and I don't balme you for wanting to leave. My XH and I didn't have sex often and when we did it was...well nothing, so you could say boring. I can tell you just from my experience that telling him I wanted a divorce and stickin' to it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I lost over 50lbs and have never in my life felt as beautiful and sexy as I do now. The 50lbs I lost was mostly from de-stressing my life. I never worked out a day. My eating habits changed along with my entire outlook on life and relationships. Just remember it'll be tough but the payoff will be worth it, at least it was for me. I wish you the best of luck.
SJ
Hi Vailgal
I am in a very similar situation. I have been married for 20 years, we are filing for bankruptcy this week, and i know our house will be foreclosed on in the very near future. My children are 15 and 10. Our financial problems stem from the fact that my husband is a recovering alcoholic. I did several things before approaching him with my desire for divorce. Ask yourself, is there any chance of reconcillation? Why are you seeking a divorce? Is it purely financial or are there other reasons? Will you feel differently when the creditors stop calling you? Is he abusive? Does he drink or abuse drugs? What is his empolyment situation? Does he help out around the house or with the kids? is it another man? pride? I wasn't sure. I started therapy, found a good attorney, spoke to my priest, did a lot of soul searching, separated out my finances and opened my own checking and savings accounts, began paying MY BILLS, AND I FOUND A ROOMMATE to help pay for the expenses when the time came. You must get "your ducks in a row" if you are serious, because things will change quickly. Don't count on child support or alimony right away.
When i was ready to tell him, i started by writing him a 3 page letter. I left the letter for him and went away for the weekend with my children. I wanted to give him space and time to understand that i was serious. He was always drunk in the evenings when i got home from work (at 5:30 pm), so i could never approach the situation without an arguement. and quite honestly, i was afraid of him when he was drunk. not that he would hit me, but the verbal abuse was exhausting. It took several letters to get him to discuss the situation with me.
To make a long story short, he still doesn't believe that i am actually going to divorce him. His papers were served, and we had a court date last friday. He has not obtained legal counsel, nor did he show up for court. We are still living in the same house. He cannot afford to move out. I've told him that i am leaving after the holidays; all i want from him is child support and health insurance for the kids and myself. He can stay in the house until they physically remove him for all i care.
My family life, gone. 20 years of marriage, gone, 20 years of hard work, gone, 401K's gone, savings gone, all over booze. Makes me sick everymorning when i wake up and look around my bedroom knowing that my credit is ruined, my financial future is unclear, i have to get a roommate. I don't want to start over at age 40, but since i have to, i will do it by myself, without any alimony money from him. I will never depend on another human being again. Good Luck to you.
Hi Vail,
First don't assume you'll be awarded any type of support. You are not gauranteed spousal support and child support is calculated on a formula based on what both parents earn. You'd be wise to seek the advice of an attorney before going any further. You need to know your rights and responsibilities. No one else can tell you what those are in your specific situation.
Divorce may end your marriage, but it will be the beginning of life on your own as a single parent. Time to think carefully about how you might support yourself and your kids. You may be eligible for food stamps or other public assistance. But first, find an attorney who can properly advise you.
Good luck,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020