How did your kids deal with the news?
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| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 7:37am |
I was wondering how other children dealt with the news when they found out their parents were divorcing. I know my DS was upset but I think he sensed it coming. His father hadn't been home most evenings for about nine months, so he knew things weren't right.
At first, he was VERY embarrassed to tell people his parents were divorcing. "NO ONE ELSE I KNOW HAS DIVORCED PARENTS! I'M THE ONLY ONE!" And he really did feel that way. But as time went on, he found out there there were many other children in his school and grade that have divorced parents. Also, I inquired about having a divorce group at the school, and the school psychologist started one, which is great. And hey, who doesn't want to miss 1/2 an hour of class weekly? ;)
All in all, I think DS has dealt with the divorce very well. He did have a slight dip in his grades, but when he started counseling, they went right back up. In the end, I think this divorce will be better for him than his parents staying in a dysfunctional, unhappy marriage.
How are your kids doing?

Hi,
I am new to this board, though I have been lurking for a couple of months now. I just thought I would share how my two kids reacted. DS (12) was quite upset and had lots of questions...like "I guess we won't be burying you guys next to each other when you die" (we were driving past a cemetery when he said that one). The ultimate thing for him is he thinks we might get back together when they grow up.
DD (8) was more concerned with whether STBX would have pet of his own. She even suggested he get a python!! I was thinking "yeah and I hope it eats him at night!!"
Yes, I think we worry more about what they are going to feel, then they do. But, I am reading a book called "Between Two Worlds". It really is an eye opener into the childrens worlds, whether it is a "good divorce" or a "bad divorce".. Once you get past the "I feel real guilty for doing this to my kids" feeling it provides a lot of insight. Even when they are doing well on the surface underneath they could be struggling with so much. It is a helpful read though.
Jan
Edited 3/19/2006 9:17 am ET by homeseller313
Jan, hello, and welcome!
Thank you for the book suggestion. I will definitely go check it out.
As for the python....lol!
My DS is 11, and he had lots of questions at first. I know it is still hard for him to accept, but I credit home for handling things very well. He does still have anger toward me (STBX likes to run around and tell the world how I broke up the family), but I do see it getting better. And you are right....even when things look good, children may still be struggling with a lot of feelings.
Please, stick around and tell us more about yourself.
My 10yo is very sad. He has cried for the last year. Even Friday night when I had to drop him off at his dad's he cried. He wouldn't get out of the car. He said he did want to leave me. I don't think that it is he doesn't want to be with his Dad. He just doesn't want to be without me. He acts so broken hearted. He has lost that childish lust for life. I would actually say he has gone back in time a few years in emotional maturity.
My 12yo is very angry. It is getting worse. He argues at every chance with his Dad. He has gained a lot of weight. His self-esteem is really low now. Lately he has been calling himself names-stupid, fat, lazy. He doesn't seem to have any friends. His grades have bottomed out (D's and F's), but now they are better. We got him to go out for Football and Basketball, but he refused Wrestling and Track. When he gets angry with me he yells out that he wishes he were dead. This scares me. He used to be my fun loving go getter and now he just seems to be boiling with anger inside.
I have wanted to get them both some counseling, but ex won't allow it. He doesn't believe in it. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with them. Our divorce is killing my children. I would do anything to not have them go through this.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
My son was three when the divorce was final - we tried to keep the explanation simple, but I do not think my son really understood much of what was going on. His Dad had spent so little one-on-one time with him and not much time with the two of us, that he didn't seem to miss his Dad when we moved out. For about two months he was refusing to see his Dad and would not go anywhere with him unless I was there, too. So visitation was occurring at my home often.
I had to change my son's school - but he seemed to like the new school and new teacher much better and he was just blossoming for quite awhile. Maybe he picked up on Mom's much happier mood???
Things got quite bumpy last summer when his Dad was seriously dating and changing visitation around all the time to accomodate his dating. My son got very angry at his Dad and was refusing to see him again. He was also acting very clingy and was scared I'd disappear on him. I finally put my foot down and insisted we be consistent (I am pretty sure my son is a high-functioning-autistic and he does not deal with constant change well at all). I also put a stop to the hour long (sometimes more) transition times when the ex would be hanging out around my house. This cleared up the clinginess to a great degree. His teacher, my psychologist and I all think that when his Dad would hang out so long at my home, my son would start thinking 'maybe he's back for good this time' and so when Dad would leave, he was hurt and upset all over again!
Things were OK for the next few months ... I was concerned how ds would deal with meeting Dad's gf and spending time with her....but that seemed to go just fine. We ran into trouble once they broke the news to him that they were engaged. Now my son is very angry. He was only showing it to me for the past two months - but now his teacher tells me that he is starting to show it at school. I've tried to talk positively to my son about these changes going on and that things will be OK - but he gets mad if I even mention his Dad and the gf! After talking to a few more resources, the advice I got was to make up stories (draw pictures or use puppets) about someone in a similar situation - not about my son - and see if that helps him deal with the changes.
It's been tough - the gf has moved in and he knows his Dad will be moving soon and that's really got him mad. He seems to have fun with them, but what he seems to want is for ALL of us to be in the same house - LOL!
with something like 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, there are bound to be lots of kids in ANY school who not only have divorced parents, but are in a blended /step family situation.
i got divorced twice. the first time was my son's bio dad - he was three. the second time, my son was about 16.5 and he was 'involved' in the process ---- its a long story but my second husband was very abusive to both of us, but neither of us could talk to the other because i thought that DS was happy with his step father and DS thought that i was happy. however, ds had a lot of issues and finally called a teen hotline, got help, and they 'suggested' that ex and i go in for therapy....
I think that alot depends on how we portray ourselves, and our new 'family' structure. i know that when i got divorced the first time i felt ashamed and all i wanted to do was get married again - i wanted to be like 'everyone else' , i felt like something was wrong with me - because i was not married. and i think that that rubbed off on my son so he felt ashamed too.
but now - i feel much differently. i am proud of myself, i am proud to be single and make it on my own. and that has rubbed off on my son too.
Oh, Brenda! Why won't your ex consider counseling for the boys? Is there any way a school psychologist or social worker could convince him? It's been so helpful for my DS - 11. But sometimes, I wonder if he just likes beating the guy at chess during his sessions :)
I think 11/12 is a really tough age for boys anyway...those preteen years are rough. Sometimes, it's hard to decipher what is because of the divorce and what's because of normal age/hormonal things going on with them. But is does seem like your older son is having some trouble and could really use some counseling. It is great that he's doing football and basketball! Maybe he will make some new friends through those sports.
Hang in there...I know it's hard.
WOW... that is awesome... a divorce group at school for the
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~