Welcome to the board. We hope you find support and advice here you can use.
My first piece of advice to you is SLOW DOWN and take things one day at a time. You're worrying WAAAAAY ahead of yourself here and its adding to your anxiety and grief. Basically, now is NOT the time to worry about the next relationship. NOW is the time to deal with whats in front of you.
To that end, my second piece of advice to you is get some counseling for yourself. You've had a lot thrown at you all at once. The death of a parent in and of itself is traumatic. There's no way to prepare for it; no matter how old you are when it happens. Even if you expect it to happen. So, get some objective and professional counsel. You'll be glad you did.
Third, don't beat yourself up too much about life in general. We all get married with a certain image of what life will be, with expectations we either voice outloud or not, and then we run headlong into challenges, changes, and unmet goals and dreams. We live in a culture that preaches success and wealth on a material level but never talks much about what it means to be happy with ourselves.
Get good legal advice. Get counseling. Get through each day to start. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Keep us posted.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
I think that when your wife said that she wasn't in love w/ you, didn't want to work on the marriage or go to counseling and wants to move out, that pretty much sums up the end of the marriage. That's what happened to me in my 1st marriage after 13 yrs & 2 kids. My ex had a short affair, but that's not really what ended the marriage. He felt so guilty about it that he ended it before I found out and he didn't end up w/ her after. I really don't know what his issue was--one of those "I don't know if I ever loved you" kind of things. I was pretty upset that he didn't even feel the need to try to keep the marriage together after all that time. But as soon as he moved out, I felt that he was never coming back so in order for me to get over it, that's the way I thought about it and proceeded accordingly. We didn't do the divorce right away--he was voluntarily paying child support and we never had any arguments about visitation but eventually we did get divorced. So you can refinance and maybe don't file the papers yet but start living your own life. The thing is that first he said he wanted a divorce, but he didn't move out since we didn't have enough money, so we lived together but doing our own thing for a year (but not involving other people) which was very strained, then he decided he didn't want a divorce and we even had another kid but then he changed his mind again anyway, so after that, it is very hard to trust the other person--you are always looking over your shoulder wondering if they are going to want out again.
I can understand about your parents too. I am 51. I had one brother, 4 yrs younger than me, who died at 32. My mother is now almost 83. It is very sad when you feel your original family is almost gone, even though I do still have my kids. My ex had 5 siblings (one died now) and his wife has 5 also, so they have plenty of family members to hang out with. I think about Christmas and how maybe some day I won't have anyone to spend it with where he will never be in that situation unless he chooses to be.
I think that right now you have to focus on healing from the loss of your father and the loss of your marriage. Eventually you will be ready to find someone else, but only after you are feeling better about other things. There are plenty of women who won't cheat, but it's also realistically harder to deal w/ a lot of things in a 2nd marriage where stepkids & exes are involved.
Then you also have to look realistically at what went wrong in your own marriage. I think that if people are happy at home, they don't have affairs (not blaming you, but just stating a fact). You said some things that made me think that for you & your wife, maybe you devoted a lot of time to taking care of your kids and didn't really make the marriage a priority. It isn't good that you never had a vacation alone since your kids were born or that you wouldn't have any babysitters other than your parents. Sure it's the best when you can have the grandparents or relatives babysit if they are available, but believe me, sometimes you just have to find other people. I always worked, so my kids were in daycare since they were little. The grandparents babysat, but I also got teenage babysitters when I wanted to go out w/ my ex. The kids survived fine. I mean, I have a 19 yr old DD who is a college student who did babysitting (she even babysat for a toddler who was blind.) I'm sure you could find someone responsible if you tried. Then you said after the kids were in bed, you & your wife did things separately. The thing is that marriage takes work and making connections to each other. Just living in the same house isn't enough. I think we tend to get bogged down w/ the stresses & responsibilities of daily living--who is paying the bills, who is fixing the house, who is taking the kid to the dr's appt. Sometimes we forget about the other person. So the next time you are in a relationship, you will have to make the marriage the #1 priority, if you want to get married again.
Really good advice on this thread. I am a 37 year old guy that had been married for 13 years with two kids and my soon to be ex decided that she did not want to be married anymore. She said that either her and the kids go or I go. I left the house 3 months ago as I did not want to disrupt the kids. I did not want the divorce but
Keep your chin up. My kids are 7 and 5 so they are a little more aware of what is going on. We all handle this situation differently so there really is not a book on how to get through this. When my soon to be ex is talking to me on the phone or in person I don't really gete emotional at all right now. I really can't wait to either end the conversation or get in my car and go when she is talking to me. With the way she has rejected me I really have no desire to talk to her or see her.
With my kids, we have a great time when we are together. My kids have some behavorial issues but for the most part they are great kids. They miss having me around. It is interesting because the soon to be ex wife made a comment recently that everyone is happier as a result of this divorce and my 5 year old said that she is not happier and Daddy is not happier. It was sad to hear my 5 year old say that but it also made me chuckle inside because I hope it made the ex feel guilty. So, you see I still have some bitterness in me and I am sure it will be around for a while. It is probably going to take me like 2 years to get over this. Who knows I might get over sooner or I might never get over it. I am just trying to trust the process.
Mike - you will make it and listen to the other posts - slow down and don't blame yourself- your wife is an adult and made choices. You didn't make these choices for her. Counseling is not something to wait on - an outside perspective is fairly critical to let you see things outside your grief
I divorced my 1st ex 5 yrs ago... and started a relationship only 4 months later. Big mistake! Relationship was very rocky since the beginning, but I thought that we could make it work. DS found a dad in him... we had a daughter (now 16 mos old) and things were tough... He is a serial emotional cheater. He had several on-line relationships and 2 weeks ago I found out he kissed (maybe more) a friend of mine. When he was found out, we fought and spoke about it and I thought that we could work it out. I came home from work and found my children alone and he was in a bus on his way to Mexico. He left me without money... left the car abandoned and my heart broken. Will I ever trust again? I'm not sure.. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. I am now with my family.. left everything behind and am trying to start again. I actually thought about going to Veracruz to try to fix things, but he told me that there is NOTHING to fix... that he wants out and that someday the kids will understand. He acted like a total a$$! didn't care about me or our children... I too am heartbroken and don't know where to start. He let me trust him, I thought we would be together for ever. I pray to God that it stops hurting soon. Good luck to you. I hope you find what you are looking for.
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Ok, deep breath...you are normal.
I can totally
Thanks offsides1971.
I never thought about the schedule with my children in that light.
OK..again..I'm going only on what I know and my experience so take it with a grain of salt.
If she cheated and she is moving out...then I would suspect she has a "backup plan" which is the reason she is going.
Hi Mike,
Welcome to the board. We hope you find support and advice here you can use.
My first piece of advice to you is SLOW DOWN and take things one day at a time. You're worrying WAAAAAY ahead of yourself here and its adding to your anxiety and grief. Basically, now is NOT the time to worry about the next relationship. NOW is the time to deal with whats in front of you.
To that end, my second piece of advice to you is get some counseling for yourself. You've had a lot thrown at you all at once. The death of a parent in and of itself is traumatic. There's no way to prepare for it; no matter how old you are when it happens. Even if you expect it to happen. So, get some objective and professional counsel. You'll be glad you did.
Third, don't beat yourself up too much about life in general. We all get married with a certain image of what life will be, with expectations we either voice outloud or not, and then we run headlong into challenges, changes, and unmet goals and dreams. We live in a culture that preaches success and wealth on a material level but never talks much about what it means to be happy with ourselves.
Get good legal advice. Get counseling. Get through each day to start. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Keep us posted.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I think that when your wife said that she wasn't in love w/ you, didn't want to work on the marriage or go to counseling and wants to move out, that pretty much sums up the end of the marriage. That's what happened to me in my 1st marriage after 13 yrs & 2 kids. My ex had a short affair, but that's not really what ended the marriage. He felt so guilty about it that he ended it before I found out and he didn't end up w/ her after. I really don't know what his issue was--one of those "I don't know if I ever loved you" kind of things. I was pretty upset that he didn't even feel the need to try to keep the marriage together after all that time. But as soon as he moved out, I felt that he was never coming back so in order for me to get over it, that's the way I thought about it and proceeded accordingly. We didn't do the divorce right away--he was voluntarily paying child support and we never had any arguments about visitation but eventually we did get divorced. So you can refinance and maybe don't file the papers yet but start living your own life. The thing is that first he said he wanted a divorce, but he didn't move out since we didn't have enough money, so we lived together but doing our own thing for a year (but not involving other people) which was very strained, then he decided he didn't want a divorce and we even had another kid but then he changed his mind again anyway, so after that, it is very hard to trust the other person--you are always looking over your shoulder wondering if they are going to want out again.
I can understand about your parents too. I am 51. I had one brother, 4 yrs younger than me, who died at 32. My mother is now almost 83. It is very sad when you feel your original family is almost gone, even though I do still have my kids. My ex had 5 siblings (one died now) and his wife has 5 also, so they have plenty of family members to hang out with. I think about Christmas and how maybe some day I won't have anyone to spend it with where he will never be in that situation unless he chooses to be.
I think that right now you have to focus on healing from the loss of your father and the loss of your marriage. Eventually you will be ready to find someone else, but only after you are feeling better about other things. There are plenty of women who won't cheat, but it's also realistically harder to deal w/ a lot of things in a 2nd marriage where stepkids & exes are involved.
Then you also have to look realistically at what went wrong in your own marriage. I think that if people are happy at home, they don't have affairs (not blaming you, but just stating a fact). You said some things that made me think that for you & your wife, maybe you devoted a lot of time to taking care of your kids and didn't really make the marriage a priority. It isn't good that you never had a vacation alone since your kids were born or that you wouldn't have any babysitters other than your parents. Sure it's the best when you can have the grandparents or relatives babysit if they are available, but believe me, sometimes you just have to find other people. I always worked, so my kids were in daycare since they were little. The grandparents babysat, but I also got teenage babysitters when I wanted to go out w/ my ex. The kids survived fine. I mean, I have a 19 yr old DD who is a college student who did babysitting (she even babysat for a toddler who was blind.) I'm sure you could find someone responsible if you tried. Then you said after the kids were in bed, you & your wife did things separately. The thing is that marriage takes work and making connections to each other. Just living in the same house isn't enough. I think we tend to get bogged down w/ the stresses & responsibilities of daily living--who is paying the bills, who is fixing the house, who is taking the kid to the dr's appt. Sometimes we forget about the other person. So the next time you are in a relationship, you will have to make the marriage the #1 priority, if you want to get married again.
Really good advice on this thread. I am a 37 year old guy that had been married for 13 years with two kids and my soon to be ex decided that she did not want to be married anymore. She said that either her and the kids go or I go. I left the house 3 months ago as I did not want to disrupt the kids. I did not want the divorce but
wisdomtooth
Thanks for the advice, especially the third piece.
Keep your chin up. My kids are 7 and 5 so they are a little more aware of what is going on. We all handle this situation differently so there really is not a book on how to get through this. When my soon to be ex is talking to me on the phone or in person I don't really gete emotional at all right now. I really can't wait to either end the conversation or get in my car and go when she is talking to me. With the way she has rejected me I really have no desire to talk to her or see her.
With my kids, we have a great time when we are together. My kids have some behavorial issues but for the most part they are great kids. They miss having me around. It is interesting because the soon to be ex wife made a comment recently that everyone is happier as a result of this divorce and my 5 year old said that she is not happier and Daddy is not happier. It was sad to hear my 5 year old say that but it also made me chuckle inside because I hope it made the ex feel guilty. So, you see I still have some bitterness in me and I am sure it will be around for a while. It is probably going to take me like 2 years to get over this. Who knows I might get over sooner or I might never get over it. I am just trying to trust the process.
Mike - you will make it and listen to the other posts - slow down and don't blame yourself- your wife is an adult and made choices. You didn't make these choices for her. Counseling is not something to wait on - an outside perspective is fairly critical to let you see things outside your grief
Totally feel you...
I divorced my 1st ex 5 yrs ago... and started a relationship only 4 months later. Big mistake! Relationship was very rocky since the beginning, but I thought that we could make it work. DS found a dad in him... we had a daughter (now 16 mos old) and things were tough... He is a serial emotional cheater. He had several on-line relationships and 2 weeks ago I found out he kissed (maybe more) a friend of mine. When he was found out, we fought and spoke about it and I thought that we could work it out. I came home from work and found my children alone and he was in a bus on his way to Mexico. He left me without money... left the car abandoned and my heart broken. Will I ever trust again? I'm not sure.. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. I am now with my family.. left everything behind and am trying to start again. I actually thought about going to Veracruz to try to fix things, but he told me that there is NOTHING to fix... that he wants out and that someday the kids will understand. He acted like a total a$$! didn't care about me or our children... I too am heartbroken and don't know where to start. He let me trust him, I thought we would be together for ever. I pray to God that it stops hurting soon. Good luck to you. I hope you find what you are looking for.
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