How do I bite my tongue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
How do I bite my tongue
7
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 7:29pm

He makes me so angry with his passive aggressive ways. The latest after he messed my birthday plans I had with my son and now he says he won't cover the weekend in June that I have to work. The original plan was that if a weekend came up that I had to work then we'd switch to accomodate it. He was being a jerk today and saying that he wasn't sure and that he would have to check the calendar. My parents agreed to cover it for me.

I work as a nurse in a hospital and I work three days a week from 7 am - 7 pm and he's giving me a huge hard time about it. He won't accomodate anything. Basically I'm supposed to quit my job to make things easier on him. I put in a request with my boss to always have tues and fridays off so that I'll always know which days during the week I have to work. We'll see how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 7:43pm
You have to insulate yourself from him so you don't depend on him for anything, as if you were a single mom who just had this other person who spent time with your child now and then. Don't expect him to cover for you, and if he wants to take advantage and have the extra time with his child, then ask for his confirmation in writing, and always plan for a back up. How does it matter if he's giving you a hard time about your work schedule? He either has visitation days or he doesn't, and you should be able to live your life however you want as long as custody is settled.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 8:01pm
Well the issue is that he was/is going to take them on the days I work and of course we have the every other weekend arrangement. Well he says that because the days I work vary it makes it too difficult for him to be able to work late and such. The schedule is a month in advance and I give it to him the day I get it. I suggested he work late on the other days I don't work or go in early on those days. I just am at wit's end. I NEED to work to make sure the kids get all they need. He doesn't make as much and works construction which isn't steady work at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 7:31am
I think you might want to find a way to have other childcare arrangements. If he can't be relied on to be there, or if he's using his having to be there for your child as a reason to complain and make you miserable, then not relying on him is the answer. Do you think that would be possible?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:06am
well I'd need someone from after school until 8:00 pm at least two evenings a week. He is refusing to help me pay for help with the kids. I have to consult a lawyer next week after I find out if my boss can help make my schedule a little easier to follow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:48am
i'm just wondering if there is another nurse that you know who would be willing to swap baby sitting services with yhou. i know that this would mean that you would have to watch someone elses kids -but you would be saving money AND your 'partner' would be understanding of the schedule...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 3:34pm
I just find it funny that the woman has to be the one to give up the job for the sake of the kids. My job is far more secure than his and I'm the one that provides the health and dental insurance because he's self employed and can't. All this should count for something but I guess not. Nobody says anything about the fact that he doesn't pay child support. I thought that by giving him a break on that would mean he'd be more cooperative about taking care of them on the three lousy evenings I work. It's THREE evenings!!!!! It's not asking too much. I have them the rest of the time that I'm not working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 9:29pm

>>>I thought that by giving him a break on that would mean he'd be more cooperative about taking care of them on the three lousy evenings I work.<<<

Never give him a break 'hoping' that he will return the favor. That is not an equal trade. He definitely gets something, you *might* get something. Unfair. If he has shown he will take advantage and be uncooperative, you need to protect yourself. Don't give him a break, period.

If he's refusing to help pay for adequate child care, that is cr*p. You don't ask. You demand, and you have the court order it and enforce it. If you have read many of my posts you will know I am all for being amicable, but if he wants to play hard ball you play hard ball. You will only be a doormat if you let yourself be that. If you stand strong and ask for what you need, and you are the CP, the courts will usually back you up.

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