how do i cope without my girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
how do i cope without my girls
14
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:23pm

Hi there, I am new to this board unfortunately. It's unfortunate in the sense that I never thought this would happen to me. My stbxh of 11 years (we've been together 16) has decided that we are incompatible and there is no passion in our marriage. He's been unhappy for many years but waits until the week after Christmas to tell me he has a lawyer and he's moving out. He just moved out 2 weeks ago. I was totally blindsided by all of this. We have had problems in the past but we just had our second child in August (our first dd is 4 years old). I never saw this coming and I did not want this but now I have no choice but to deal with it. My biggest concern and the thing that is making me cry the most (and I cry a lot...ugh) is when my little girls have to go spend the weekend with daddy. How am I going to get through this? I'm not as concerned about my 4 year old because she has gone on sleepovers to grandma's house, etc. before but I'm going to miss my little 8 month old dd so much. My heart aches thinking about it. I'm just SOOOOO mad - this was NOT my decision and now i have to be heartbroken and sad all the time. He wants to be best friends with me (selfish jerk). He doesn't understand why i can't be all buddy buddy with him. He says he "still loves me but is not in love with me"...gee thanks. I just want him to hurt as badly as I do - maybe even worse. I realize that i need to get rid of all those negative feelings and malicious thoughts but it's all too raw for me right now. I'm sick of crying all the time. When is it ever going to get better? When will it not hurt so much to send my kids to his house for a whole weekend?

Thanks in advance for your support.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:46pm

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine being away from my 8 month old baby. I don't suppose you are nursing her...if so, she really cannot be away from you without putting her through a great deal of hardship.

My STBX and I are still work out the details, but I have drawn up a tentative schedule in such a way that neither one of us will go more than 24 hrs without seeing our girls. I think that will be much easier on them as well. Is there anyway that you can make a similar arrangement so that they are not away from you for the entire weekend?

This is all very new for you... you don't have to be so agreeable to his demands/requests. Is there still time for you to make a counter-custody proposal?

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 5:08pm
My husband of 15 years has done the same to me. There is not much we can do and it is so unfair! I wish I could make you feel better but please know you are not alone! I miss my old life too! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:13pm

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I have been through very much the same as you. My deepest pain is for my two dds (just 5 and 6 1/2). I too have wished him to experience every moment of pain he will inflict on them (they don't know yet; he isn't out yet).

It is stunning to me that my stbx and so many others buy their happiness at the price of their innocent children's happiness. Just appalling!

I agree with a pp -- an 8 month old should probably not be away from mom for a whole day or even over night unless an emergency. I would definitely talk to a lawyer and especially a child psychologist with divorce expertise to work out the best possible parenting plan for such young children.

Stay on the board and continue to share; you will find lots of support. Irl, I would go get that practical support to take the best possible care of yourself and your innocent babies.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:50pm
My stomach hurt reading your story. I understand and I have been there. Did you ever think that the weekends without your kids might be a new opportunity for you to do something for yourself? You sound like a loving mother who has put all of herself into her children so they will become wonderful people but maybe outside forces are wanting you to discover yourself again. What did you like to do before your marriage, before you ever met your ex?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:21pm

so heartbreaking, I am SO sorry you are going through this.

However, I disagree with the other poster who says that an 8 month old shouldn't be away overnight from her mother. Saying that is like saying your STBX can't parent. He's being very selfish, but he can probably parent an 8 month old for 1 night. Heck, I went out of town when my son was 2.5 months old for a soccer tournament and DH and DS had a fabulous time.

My best advice to you is to get used to an overnight without your 8 month old daughter now by taking her over to her grandparents for the night. Even if you just take her over there when it's time for bed and then rush over there first thing in the morning. Take it slow. This exercise is more for you than her since she's so young.

I would also take this time to really rely on your girlfriends. Plan nights out with them when your kids are with their dad. Even if you don't go 'out', you can go over to their house and have dinner and a glass of wine with them.

You might also start a new hobby. A book club, scrapbooking, etc. A lot of scrapbooking places have Friday night cut nights where you can go cut out stuff and design pages. You can be reminded of your children while still doing something more constructive than sitting at home listening to the silence of your house.

Do you go to church? If so, see if they have a divorce support group. If your church doesn't, try to find one that does. That will also help you feel supported and help you process your feelings (all of which are completely normal).

I hope these suggestions help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:42pm
Hi Nalamia - My mention referred specifically to the fact that I did not feel a NURSING 8 month old can be away from her mother without a great deal of hardship. Dads can have incredible bonds with thier infant children but they cannot replace a nursing mom.
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:16pm
breastfeeding does put a bit more complexity into the mix, but it can still be done. I bf'ed for 7 months and had to go back to work when DS was 7 weeks old. I think I was away from DS for 2 different weekends while bf'ing. I became the expert pumper for sure!! Since I knew I had to return to work earlier than most, we made sure to intro the bottle before DS got too old to reject it. That made a world of difference...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:17pm

I can't answer some of those questions about when the hurt will end....most likely it will be there for a long time even once you've healed from this.

However, regarding how to cope without your daughters. I suggest you start by spending some time on yourself. Depending on finances - have a day at the spa, lunch with a girlfriend, take a short trip out of town to stay with a friend you haven't been able to catch up with in a long time or go see some family, go to the movies (something I rarely have done in 10 years)---even a dollar cinema shows decent flix, join a group of something you used to love such as a choir, band, orchestra, painting class, etc. Get involved in something you really believe in and spend time on the weekends focused on that. Immerse yourself in things that help you be YOU and not remind you that you are mommy without her daughters for a weekend. Pretty soon you will be loving your weekends free.

However, I do understand the 8 mo. old (nursing mother) situation and I am very sorry for you in that circumstance. Just be sure to take your pump wherever you go! I nursed each of my dd's for 12 and 13 months and there were tough times, but we managed. Best wishes!!! Hang in there, with time it will get better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:42pm

Thank you so much for all your support. I am not breastfeeding so that isn't going to be a problem. I think I'm just being a bit selfish. I want to have her home with me. My stbx is a good dad but babies aren't really his thing. He doesn't have a ton of patience (although he needs that more with our 4 year old haha). I will definitely have to do more girl nights, etc. to get my mind off things. I guess I'm just trying to avoid the inevitable. I did talk to my stbx this morning and he agreed that maybe she is too young to take away from her mother for 48 hours at a time. I think we might try and work something out where when he is supposed to have them on the weekends he will take my older dd on the Friday night and then he will pick up the younger dd on the Saturday so she's just there one night. This might give him a chance to bond better with my older dd. He was not the most attentive father when he lived with us so I'm hoping that now that he's alone with them he will have to interact with them a lot more and play with them. Don't get me wrong, he loves his children, he'd just rather be on the computer or doing something else. He doesn't really know what to do with little kids.

I really appreciate all the support and I'm definitely going to be visiting this board often! I know only time will take the hurt away but for some reason it can't happen soon enough for me! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:47pm
The best thing that came out of my divorce is the fact that my ex spends more time with our DD. I still hate the fact that I don't get to kiss her goodnight every night and see her smiling face every morning but this is something that comes with divorce. I still however have issues with her diet and checking homework. My ex doesn't like to cook so they were doing the McDonalds thing far too often. This is still an issue with us so sometimes I'll drop off meals for her for the weekend. It's sad that a grown man doesn't like to cook but I shouldn't be surprised because we were married for ten years and he NEVER cooked.... Back to your question... it will be hard but you will cope and before you know it they will be teenagers and you will be dealing with an entirely set of issues. My best advice is to take one day at a time and enjoy the days you have them.

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