How do I deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
How do I deal?
2
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 11:27am

Hello to all of you. I have never posted, but desperately need advice. My husband of 6 1/2 years decided he isn't happy and wants a divorce. I knew that he's been unhappy for a while but I thought I could change. The problem is, I gave up my whole life for him. (Which I know is the biggest mistake I could ever make.) I sacrificed my education and worked at a job for 5 years that I HATED (but paid well)so that he could finish his bachelors degree. Then he decided to get his master's degree, so I still went to school part-time and worked full time. When he graduated, we moved to Dallas, TX so that he could get a Ph.D.. It was supposed to be MY turn to finish school. So now I have given up my good paying job to finish school, only to find out that now I have to get ANOTHER full time job and go part time again. I have been in school for 8 years(yes, that's right, I said 8) now and the only thing I have to show for it is a $46,000 student loan debt that I can't pay off. I gave up all my friends for him because he didn't like them. Since we've had our son,(whose almost 4) he has been VERY critical of me. (Right down to what remote I change the channel with.) He has always made me feel like wasn't good enough...as a wife, a mother, and a student. I know part of his control issues stems from his mother. He never felt like he had ANY control of his life as a child. We are trying to do this amicably and without lawyers. (Mainly because we are both in college and have no money.) His brother just went through the nastiest divorce I have ever seen and saw what it did to his children and we totally do not want that for our son. We have decided that no matter what, we will put him first.

I just feel SO alone, because I have no support system. My whole family lives 6 hours away and I have no friends and am scared to make new ones because of him. He keeps wondering why I don't make friends at school. It's because all of my classmates are like 20 and single, have no kids, and like to party. I'm 30, married and have a child, so it's a little difficult to find a friend. I do have one girl that I talk to, but I really can't tell her anything in confidence because her husband is works with mine and are really good friends. The one time I told her something in confidence, she told her husband (which is no problem, because they are married) but he then went and told my husband. He's got TONS of friends for support. They all want to take him out on Sat. I just wish I had support like that. You know, someone whose like, "Gee, Claudia seems depressed, I should take her out for a beer and cheer her up. Instead, I ended up getting drunk and watching 27 Dresses and yelling at the movie because of the wedding happiness crap.

What really makes me angry is that he has told my that I need to start supporting myself. WHAT?!?!?!?!? After I supported you through school? At least he's going to pay all but $100 of my rent. (I'm moving out July 1st) I want to move back to my family, but that would mean separating him from his son. And as lousy as a husband he is, he is a WONDERFUL father. Since I had an absent father, I do not want to deprive my son of a great and involved dad.

When I think about the bad times, I start to wonder why in the world I'm sad about this, but then I remember why I fell for him in the first place and am depressed again. I've
never hated and loved someone so much at the same time. I'm so confused I don't know which way is up. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent and get advice and to know that I'll be OK. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
In reply to: cdpulani
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 3:41pm

Dear, I feel for you so much, I can identify, too. I had/have a similar situation as to the way your S.O. treats you. Look at other messages on this board, there are so many where the man just decides after years that he wants out and walks away cold. We are left emotionally holding the bag and seeing all the mistakes we made giving too much to the relationship when we were not getting much back. I work for a matrimonial attorney, too, and I see often it becomes that there is a big imbalance. Both people have to be living in their own interest and also giving, in a balanced way. I did the same as you did, tried to change, did all the supportive things, ended up being criticized and nitpicked to death, which caused tensions and arguments. The perfectionist will look always evaluate and judge and for reasons you aren't the one once they know you are really in it. There is nothing wrong with being a faithful person, in fact that is one of the greatest qualities. But it is not appreciated by commitment phobes, who only feel entrapped by your loyalty. Even those that marry can turn on you and pull back once they see the commitment and work required to keep a relationship good after the first infatuation period. Know that you are a good person and that he is immature and confused. I think since you have kids you will have to deal with him going forward, so the best thing is just to deal with the end of this in the least damaging and most practical way possible. It sounds like he is not emotionally available to work anything out in the long term that you could really trust in. You have to think of your children first in this situation. I think you should consult a good lawyer right away, it sounds like he is trying to intimidate you into not giving you the support you need. A decent lawyer will work out a decent settlement or agreement. Maybe a separation agreement for a year, that can be the divorce agreement once you do divorce, if you do. (Maybe the mook will wake up and see what he is throwing away, but you can't count on that). You should see about getting at least temporary maintenance and of course child support, and look at the debt, which could be split evenly, or even he may assume it all, since you took on debt while supporting him for his schooling. Or you may be entitled to some of his assets going forward if you supported him to go to school to earn a lucrative degree. Fair child support is also in the cards. Custody would have to be worked out. If he is so controlling now don't think that will change later. You may be better off with custody and give him generous visitation. Splitting custody is a hard row to hoe, even with the best of intentions.

Emotionally this is really awful and draining I know, you probably still love the guy even though he doesn't deserve it, but you can get through this best if you just look at this part of it as a practical problem. After that stuff is settled you can deal with the emotional aspect. You need a better man, or to have the freedom to make a life that is healthy and good for you on your own, then you can fulfill yourself to your own potential, I think. This guy seems in a negative place as a way to catapult his way out of the relationship, so don't take that on, it's not you it's HIM. It sounds like you were the emotionally and practically responsible one, and you were trying to be supportive of him but he is not appreciating it for whatever reasons of his own. Don't accept being put down, just ignore that part. Hopefully someday he will wake up and be a decent friendly person and you can have a less stressful relationship, in regard to interaction for the children's sake and the rest of it. Don't get caught up in his emotional stuff, just take care of yourself now. He is the one who is pulling out of his responsibility to the relationship and the family so he can deal with his own stuff on his own. You can also try to look at your time alone as a way to gain strength. Sometimes in the past people used to go off by themselves to get over difficult times. Now people just try to distract as much as possible with other people for company and involving in mindless activity just to keep your mind off your problems. Sometimes you have to be alone to calm down and see the picture clearly. Once you have your situation moving in the best direction possible you can reach out socially, to your own choice of people, and rebuild your life. As a parent there are other mothers out there in your shoes, you can find friendship and support there. Take care of yourself, and your children, let him take care of himself.

You will get through this, just hold on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
In reply to: cdpulani
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 11:10am
Oh Hell NO, stop looking at him like the man you made in your head and see him for what he really is. You are holding on to the was you thought he was or how you want him to be. The fact of the matter is that he is not all the things you are making him out to. IF HE WAS, YOU WOULD STILL BE WITH HIM! He used you to pull himself up and left you on the back burner. Get youself off stop thinking of yourself the way he does. Think of you as you were before you met him, NOW add a little paZZZZZZZZZas to top it off. You are a strong person that can and will make it. You were that before he met you that is why he wanted you in the 1st place!
Suga
Suga