how do i decide

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
how do i decide
1
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:50pm
My husband of almost 5 years left me a month ago. We had had a mild disagreement during the week but nothing huge. I talked to him three times during that day each time he gave me no clue he was unhappy or upset or anything. In Fact he kissed me goodbye in the morning and told me he loved me each time we talked and then at 2:00 in the afternoon he left me a message on the phone and at the end said I love you. By 6;00 he asked me for a divorce. He'd even been home long enough to pack his clothes. We've had very little communication in the weeks since he left. He refused at first to even talk to me face to face. He wanted to handle this only through email and phone. We have seen each other twice. First was about two weeks after he left and he was allready not wearing his wedding ring and the second was this weekend. In each conversation he changes why he is leaving. At first he said he was unhappy for some time then he was unhappy for a few days and then a few weeks and then it was a little over a year...etc. Now we are up to three years. He is treating me very coldly and in our conversations he is blaming me entirely for the break up. He is saying that I treated him badly, that he treid to tell me he was unhappy but was afraid it would break into world war 3. He says that I made him contantly feel guilty and berated him daily. As one half of the marriage I feel the only time i was really unsensitve was during a heated emotional arguement...which I will own up to...I seem to be the only person taking balme. BUt on a daily basis I babied him constantly and treated him with respect and love, not mean or unsenstive in any way. When we did agrue he simply sat quite and didn't say much...i tried to get him to talk to me and he didn't. Never once did he say he was unhappy and never did he say he was bothered by our fights. Anyway long story short. I have been feeling as if he is somehow sick in head. Seriously! He has a brain injury about 13 years old and has been addicted for pain killers...(I didn't know until a few months ago and he told me had stopped taking them.) I found this weekend that wasn't the case. But now that I am piecing a few things together I feel he really is mentally ill...something doesn't feel right. Everytime he says something he makes it worse then it every was. He even told me he felt he was living in an abusive household. which shooks me...because it was really peacefully most of the time...except for the 5 or so times we agrued during the year. He is stressed at work and so relieving the stress at home seems to make it better for him the past month. I feel it not fair he picked his job over me. I did get him to see a counselor, and tonight she filled me in. I was shocked and sick with what she said and that my marriage is over and I didn't even see it coming. No Sign what so ever...we were intimate still and still talking etc. I know that he still loves me because the counselor told me he said he did but he didn't want the stress at home he wanted to become a hermit and stay away from conflict. He wanted to focus on work since that was all he seemed to be able to focus on. I have a big decisions to make and need some help. I need to accept what is happening but I can't. I need to decide if i really want to stay with him. By what I mean is do i try to fight for the marriage to just let him go. He's hurt me so terribly and I don't know if could trust him again and I feel as though I'm getting my hopes up every time he is near. He is convince this is what he wants, But i'm not. I'm so lost and so confused. I have no family near me and spend my days at home or at work and I'm so lonely and so sad. Thanks so much for any advice I really appreciate it and I'm sorry my message is so long but i don't know how to make it shorter. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: kitalia
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:21am

Hey... you are lost and down... I have been there and still am in some respects... let's help each other... we can..

Karey