How do I draw the line?
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| Mon, 05-01-2006 - 9:45pm |
How do I draw the line? In early February my dh asked for a divorce and admitted to an ongoing affair. For most people it is probably cut and dry to kick him out and never look back. Here we are a few months later and I've move out and am staying with a friend, and still asking him to reconsider. I know that he's a jerk and very selfish and probably still sleeping with the OW who helped him to ruin his career. He has the upper hand in this and continues to manipulate me. Right now he's telling me he can't say yes or no to getting back together and working on things. If I was a strong woman I would never give him the option to return...I just can't draw the line and stop asking him to come back to us.
I know I must sound pitiful. Thanks for any words of wisdom and encouragement.

Its tough and I've been just where you are... wanting it to work out, doing everything in my power to make it happen... it does work sometimes, but it isn't always meant to be...
For me, I know that I had to try everything in my power, so that when it went to divorce (as I feared it would and did), I would know that I tried everything, without a doubt... and you won't be able to draw that line until you reach whatever point there is for you... it is a personal decision...
That being said, you wrote, "I know that he's a jerk and very selfish and probably still sleeping with the OW who helped him to ruin his career. He has the upper hand in this and continues to manipulate me."
Why you would want to be with someone like that when you could (eventually) be with someone else who can treat you so much better... or why deal with his crap when you could be happier without all of his manipulation... manipulation is not love... you need to start putting yourself first and stop ~giving~ him the upper hand... if he can't make a decision about reconciling, you do it... he doesn't sound like much more than pondscum to me...
But since it is you and you're involved much more that I am, it is very easy for me to say what I just did... Take your time with it... I had to... people were telling me that I was letting him walk all over me for way too long... but once ~my~ decision was made there was no turning back... and I felt completely confident in my decision...
Good Luck... we're here for you... Keep us posted!
*hugs*
Julie
justmee06...
Pianoguy has to disagree with you about manipulation....
NOBODY can be manipulated by someone else unless he or she permits it to happen!
Stop thinking like you've been defeated by a dragonslayer! Get on the phone and call human resources, a lawyer, a minister (if you're religious), and a few trusted friends.
Get input from all of them and make your 'future life decisions' based on some of the opinions you receive.
Keep in mind that if your husband can easily sleep around with one or more women...any possible reconciliation between the 2 of you will leave you doubting whether he can be faithful to you?
Who wants (or needs) to live a life like this?
Pianoguy
First, find a long stick.... about
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I know how you are feeling. My ex cheated and I asked him to come home more than once and then realized that I was crazy. He messed up, why the heck was I so willing to work so hard to put things back together. I know you want your "family" to be together but in order for you to be happy and find the man that will treat you the way you deserve you have to let go of your life as you knew it with your ex. Very hard to do I know. But once I did it than I began to feel better.
I had to do the no contact rule to get over the intial stages of letting go once I made the decision to let go. He would lead me on and tell me stuff like "now isnt the right time for us", " getting back together wouldn work right now" "he feels the third time is a charm and he doesnt want to ruin his chance by getting back together right now" all that garbage. Once I stopped allowing him to come by whenever he wanted and stopped listening to what he said I began to feel alot better, stronger, CONFIDENT IN MYSELF.
And why boost his ego. That's another thing I realized. As long as I kept asking him to come home he had at least two women that "wanted him" and what kind of message did that send him about how I felt about myself. Shoot I deserve a man who will respect me and treat me like a queen. I wont settle ANYMORE and neither should you.
One quote that I got from this board a long while ago and its so true is:
"If you settle for less than what you want, you will end up with less than what you settled for"
Good luck honey.
I disagree with your assessment that you aren't a strong woman because you are asking for your husband to return to work on his marriage with you. Please do not put yourself down for wanting to work on your marriage and fight for it, that does not make you weak. Having been through a husband that has cheated, nobody can make a judgement of you having not walked in your shoes. I remember when I was single, I used to say, "if anyone ever cheated on me I'd throw him out and he'd be gone" Its a much different situation when you are in it, when emotions are involved and when years, vows and families are intertwined.
Do not put yourself down for trying to save your family.
BUT..in the same sense do not allow yourself to be with a fencesitter, do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of, do not allow your husband to waffle between his OW and you and just say "Oh I am confused" whine whine whine I don't know what I want. He needs to decide what he wants he either wants to put the effort into his marriage and really buckle down and do what it takes which is no contact with his OW and cut it out and attend marriage counseling, and really devote to rebuilding his marriage and family with you or you need to be done with it, no more fencesitting. YOu can't allow him to continue to waffle, you will get nowhere allowing him to sit on the fence.
I read through the other posts of people who had gone through a similar situation, and it sounded like a person doesn't "draw the line" until he/she is ready to and decides to.
I was talking to my sister about a post I read on this board. The woman said she had suspected her husband of cheating, etc for several years before the separation had occurred. My sister said, "Well, that's about how long you were unhappy in your marriage before he left." It made me realize that these things take time. A divorce has to brew for a while...ya know? I kind of think the same thing about drawing the line. You just have to get to the point of finally saying, "Why the he// am I contemplating taking this SOB back?" I think writing this post and reading/contemplating the responses is a good step in the direction of getting there. I hope it happens quickly. Having to go through all of "this," (regardless of what stage you're at) is a real drag.
best of luck to you
Beth in TX