How do I get the nerve to say that's it!
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| Mon, 03-12-2007 - 4:01pm |
I just can't seem to summon the courage, anger etc to tell my H that I'm done. We've been married for a little over 2 years and I've posted about him on the alcohlics board.
He is miserable to me and my kids (not his they are from a prior marriage) I know that. I can see his abuse of me growing to the point that we do not communicate at all. He goes from anger to the pity me routine on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. He makes threats to me but is not physically violent although he talks about killing me sometimes but then laughs and says he's "kidding". Due to the alcohol his moods are up and down and everywhere all the time. He spends hours at a bar every day and I've been through the lies, the promises etc. Friday he went from telling me how wonderful, beautiful etc. I was and wanting sex to screaming at me for ruining his life, trapping him into marriage (not sure what that means) etc. I was putting wood on our fire and he pushed me intentionally and I burned my hand. He has no memory of it now.
I am trying to get the house fixed up and ready to be put on the market but it's tough because I work a lot. I work one full and 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. Every weekend and 3-4 weeknights I go from one job to the next about 16 hours. While my H spends about half his monthly income at the bar. He has spent my savings and we are in so much debt but naturally he blames me for the debt he feels the kids and I are doing it.. not his alcohol spending.
I know what i have to leave but I can't seem to. i don't think I'm scared of his reaction. I just can't seem to get angry and tell him to leave. I just keep taking his abuse and I'm losing everything about myself.. my confidence, selfrespect and I feel worthless. I worry about what I will do without him, no one will ever love me again.. that stupid stuff. which isn't like me at all. I just can't seem to get the words out. I just want to get mad and stand up for myself again.
For those of you who may have felt a little like me how did you do it? I don't have any family to support me and I did the counselor thing but after about 6 months she told me to find someone else to see. She said she was worried for my safety and felt I needed someone else because she wasn't getting through to me. I haven't found anyone yet and I don't like trying to find someone to click with. I guess a huge part of me doesn't want to hurt him even though he will no doubt be happier without me..
I sure could use some advice. Did anyone have something particular that pushed them over the edge or gave them a back bone to do this. bring a friend or a family member with them to confront them. I get so upset and in my head I'm screaming or falling apart but the words just won't come out. I'm just afraid I'm never going to get my house fixed up and I'm going to be working on it forever and feeling horrible at my life.

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Hi rocket,
I am truly sorry you are going through this.
I haven't been in the situation of having a dependent spouse but I've been around plenty of it in my family. I can relate to not having any support though. I live almost 5 hours from where I'm from. I moved here to get married the first time. Now I have kids, share custody and my fiance shares custody of his son so I'm here for good, without any family nearby. It's a very very scary feeling and you do feel trapped. I didn't want to leave my x for that very reason. I don't know if it's the case but you probably are unsure about surviving on your own, however you won't go through the process unless you leave. I won't tell you that it's easy but you have the advantage of being in the workforce already, I was a SAHM. Regardless, you won't heal unless you do this, you won't move on unless you get out, it may get worse before it gets better but unless you act, it will NEVER get better and I'm telling you if you leave it will get better eventually, you will get better, your kids will get better and if H doesn't then that is his decision.
I'm just speculating and I don't know how your H is when sober but he almost sounds like he might even be suffering from some kind of personality disorder. I think sometimes it's hard to tell though when there is a drug involved. Sometimes I think they develop because of addiction. I believe my sister is bipolar and I think she covers it up with drugs and alcohol. My father I believe was an alcoholic and his troubles stemmed from the alcohol. either way it's not up to us to figure out, we can only do so much, believe me I tried but you can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved or love someone so much that it wakes them up. You need to move on and move out, the sooner the better.
Rocket I really think you need to rally up some kind of courage to do something and whatever you do you should do it soon. Your relationship sounds very unstable and very unsafe. I don't know what kind of reaction you would get from your H if you just told him flat out that you want it to be over. I think you should leave altogether and take your children.
I am scared for you rocket. There's no reasoning with someone who is affected by something like alcohol and if he does have any other issues, it will only be compounded.
I think your therapist told you to find someone else because you were probably being stubborn and not heeding their advice right? If she was worried for your safety then you need to recognize that this is something you probably shouldn't fight on your own and shouldn't stay around to see the shrapnel fall when the bomb is dropped. Telling him what you want isn't going to work with someone who is addicted, they have no sound judgment and because the environment is hostile it's even more of a reason to just leave without a discussion.
My mother is mentally ill and though it's not an addiction growing up with her was probably very similar to what you're experiencing. She used to say very mean and harsh things to me and it destroys you to hear that from someone you love as your H is destroying you. You live your life day in and day out with someone who is unstable. I still can hardly succeed in a relationship because of all the damage it's done. Stop being stubborn rocket and go. You can pick up the financial pieces later, right now you need to worry about your safety and the safety of your children. Believe me I know what it means to be stubborn and I think you just don't want to come out and do this. Don't waste your breath telling him, get out and if he wants to save the relationship, he'll get the help he needs. It won't be easy rocket, it really won't but you will survive it. Your heart may ache and break inside of you but you will survive I promise you and you and your children will be so much better off. Stop being stubborn rocket and preserve the safety of yourself and your children and leave. Don't worry about appearances, selling the house, whatever, just go please I'm begging you go. I don't know you but I am telling you to leave ASAP wherever you have a place to go then go there. Muster up whatever you have to get out. Worry about the details later. Stop stalling rocket, it's time to do something and discussion isn't it.
Please keep us posted.
rocket
deep down inside, you know the answers to your questions. its there, you have to find the courage to go forward. we have exchanged emails, and i know you are hurting.
i will send positive thoughts and prayers your way. you can do what is right for your family. i know you can.
thinking of you,
what
Everyone.. Thanks for your replies. They help to provide encouragement and right now I can use all that I can get.
I have no idea why I am like a deer caught in headlights. Unable to move even though I know that I'm going to be crushed. I just keep hanging in there. Yesterday was pretty typical with him not going to work again and going from Camp to the bar to drink. My kids are on Spring break and rather than doing anything with them, watching them or helping around the house he takes off and is gone all day. I can't understand that kind of selfish nature. I guess that's my problem. I can't understand him at all. I guess when your alone (he lived at home with his mom till we married and he was 42) you get used to coming and going when and how you want? I came home from work (found a sub for my second job) and made a nice dinner. He actually sat down at the dinner table with us for about 5 minutes until my daughter (who is 20) started talking about her boyfriend then he said he couldn't take this *&%$ and ate his dinner in the living room. He normally never eats with us and just eats alone in the living room. he plays head games and says everything is my fault, He's left handed so he can't help it, he just wants to play with my emotions and manipulate me.
He tells me that we gang up on him and he doesn't fit in. he says no one likes him. That's why he hides out. I guess in a way it's true and that's when I start feeling bad like I'm doing something wrong or hurting him. But I keep thinking if I felt like that I would try to join in MORE. Make conversation and have fun. He doesn't. he just criticizes what the kids eat, yells at them for going to there friends and constantly makes fun of them.. Then he tells me my kids are brats and they *&^$% all over me. It's like he enjoys causing hurt and trys to pit them against me?? I just keep trying to go with the flow.. He normally goes to bed so early (takes sleeping pills everynight) so he's out of the way for a lot of the evening. I just ignore it and ignore it I don't want to cause problems and I don't want to get into a confrontation with him.
As far as leaving, I can't. I have no where to go. I can't rent an apartment with the debt I have let alone trying to find a security deposit and first months rent. He could leave and go back home to his mom's. He's never been on his own and even though the woman is 86 (she's in great health) he thinks she will live forever and take care of him. In a way it would be easy.. just say get out. go back home to your mom (he goes to her house every sunday, eats lunch and spends the day. my kids and I are not invited) she would love it. So why can't I do it? I'm afraid of that initial confrontation? Afraid to tell my kids that we are on our own and starting over again? i do still love him and i know that I will miss him or at least the man I used to know. I know that it will hurt him and it will hurt me. I said something to my son the other day (he's 15) about him leaving and he said I don't want him to go he USED to be so much fun and we are all he has.. it made me feel horrible. So I try to get things to work and try to make him happy but NOTHING makes him happy. He just drinks and drinks. I don't know when he is ever really sober. He drinks everyday. 5-6 shots and 5-6 beers now and then drinks cans of beer all evening. How long does it take to get sober after that? until you start it all over again the next day? He has told me he will never stop drinking and I know that soon his health is going to begin to decline.
Sorry to vent so much but I only one friend really knows the extent of what's going on. I tried to talk to his family (siblings) but they have never seen him drunk so they hav eno idea what I'm talking about. They feel he is depressed and want him to get medication for that and then they think his drinking will just fade away but i don't believe that. I thought about going somewhere for a weekend and then leaving him a note telling him it's over. but I'm afraid he will trash my house or hurt my pets. I just have to hang in there for a while till the house is fixed and i can sell it. Then we can part. I appreciate your encouagement and I hope even then I can find the words. It just makes me sick inside thinking about it.
Thanks again for everything.. I really appreciate all your support.
courage is something that we all have - it's just a matter of bringing it out when we need it - sometimes the only way to bring it out is to befriend it & go towards it by taking action towards what you are most fearful...
another approach is to ask yourself, what would happen if you did what you were afraid of? sometimes that shines a light on the monster...
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Edited 3/13/2007 1:28 pm ET by ivill_laurel
Edited 3/13/2007 1:28 pm ET by ivill_laurel
A smart therapist once asked me why I hadn't left yet. I told him that I was afraid of being alone, being responsible for the kids by myself, afraid of making enough money, afraid I would loose my house, etc..
He said-don't you see that all that has already happened. Everything I was afraid of I was already living every day. I was already alone (maybe not physically but for sure emotionally), I was already 100% responsible for my kids-financially, physically, and emotionally, I was already in financial trouble and I was already in jeopardy of loosing my house. My H was not working anymore and was actually spending my money on booze.
It suddenly occured to me that the only thing that would change by me aking for a divorce was that I wouldn't be responsible for him and I wouldn't have to watch him drink every day.
I don't say all this to minimize your feelings. It is just that we often imagine that things are going to be so awful when the reality is that they already are.
If you are waiting for money to get your house fixed up-be realistic. Alcoholics burn through money like no tomorrow and there is a good liklihood that it won't happen if he is drinking.
The reason you don't understand him is because he is an alcholic. They are not rational human beings with rational reactions to life or relationships. YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HIM. He is having an affair and her name is booze. He has told you he won't stop. Believe him. As long as he is drinking it won't get better..it will get worse. Be careful and get some support. This is a very difficult thing to go through alone.
Keep us posted.
What I'm going to say is probably going to sound mean, but I say it with the best of intentions. I don't mean to make you upset, only to see the possibilities.
You said in an earlier post. . .
Rocket, what if he had done that to one of your kids? What if, in one of his drunken stupors, he hurts one of them? You have already said that he yells at them, makes fun of them, etc. He is ALREADY ABUSING THEM!!! It may not be physical, but mental abuse is so much harder to recover from. Please, please, please, for the safety of your beautiful children, get out while you still can--before he does permanent damage. Call your local family services dept and find out your options for getting him out of the house. See about checking him into a treatment facility (against his will so he can't leave).
Please understand, you have friends here that are very worried for you. We know it's a tough decision--one that only you can make. We can't make it for you, but we can/will be here for you through whatever the future holds.
Best wishes, positive thoughts, and lots and lots of prayers.
Becka
If I'm out of line, I apologize.
These boards really really help. Whenever I find a sentence or 2 that really sinks in and encourages me to do whats right for me...I copy & paste it onto a notepad and save them to re read. I'm tired, I'm emotionally drained. I told the Lawyers office they could only serve him on a Friday and only at our house, last Friday H took off work & kids were home so I had to tell them to hold off...now the court date is on the books and they HAVE to serve them this Friday so its crunch time for me and I'm trying like hell to get the words out to him...God I'm so scared...I just wish I could fast forward to next week and then I'll know his reaction.
Good luck Rocket...I'm with ya girl!
there's a great place to get motivation, it really makes me feel good reading this so check out www.dailymotivator.com
Living
Thanks to everyone for replying.
I am at work today but plan to go to my local women's resource center after work. I am worried they will push for a PFA but I will NOT do that. I'm hoping they will just give me some advice.
My conversation with H on Friday night where he accused me of trapping him, running up his bills etc. made me nervous. In the past when he threatened to leave he would say that he would leave me with the house (and the mortgage) but i had to pay off one of his Credit cards.. the CC has a trip on it that we took a long time ago which he has held over my head for ages (he hates to go anywhere) I said that was fine. It was a small price to pay. well after friday I'm afraid he is going to try to make me pay off all his bills and I just want to ask them about attorneys etc.
I am also bringing the journal that he started where he calls me a a bunch of names, says that he lives in the bedroom, and wife (never me by name) is distant. How my daughter is a sl*t and that he hates us all.. along with a few other things.. He doesn't directly threaten us but they will get the idea. I want to know if this would be take into consideration by a court as to what we are living with..
Finally, I took out the trash this morning and noticed not only several bags of beer cans but also a couple of empty wiskey bottles. He never drank the whiskey at home (did shots at the bar) just beer. Well, the drinking is escalating and he is no doubt drinking at home and in his truck. So that has helped to increase my anxiety.
It will be nice to have a counselor to talk to and I hope that it helps.
Again, thank you, thank you for all the support!
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