How do I get the nerve to say that's it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
How do I get the nerve to say that's it!
18
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 4:01pm

I just can't seem to summon the courage, anger etc to tell my H that I'm done. We've been married for a little over 2 years and I've posted about him on the alcohlics board.

He is miserable to me and my kids (not his they are from a prior marriage) I know that. I can see his abuse of me growing to the point that we do not communicate at all. He goes from anger to the pity me routine on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. He makes threats to me but is not physically violent although he talks about killing me sometimes but then laughs and says he's "kidding". Due to the alcohol his moods are up and down and everywhere all the time. He spends hours at a bar every day and I've been through the lies, the promises etc. Friday he went from telling me how wonderful, beautiful etc. I was and wanting sex to screaming at me for ruining his life, trapping him into marriage (not sure what that means) etc. I was putting wood on our fire and he pushed me intentionally and I burned my hand. He has no memory of it now.

I am trying to get the house fixed up and ready to be put on the market but it's tough because I work a lot. I work one full and 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. Every weekend and 3-4 weeknights I go from one job to the next about 16 hours. While my H spends about half his monthly income at the bar. He has spent my savings and we are in so much debt but naturally he blames me for the debt he feels the kids and I are doing it.. not his alcohol spending.

I know what i have to leave but I can't seem to. i don't think I'm scared of his reaction. I just can't seem to get angry and tell him to leave. I just keep taking his abuse and I'm losing everything about myself.. my confidence, selfrespect and I feel worthless. I worry about what I will do without him, no one will ever love me again.. that stupid stuff. which isn't like me at all. I just can't seem to get the words out. I just want to get mad and stand up for myself again.

For those of you who may have felt a little like me how did you do it? I don't have any family to support me and I did the counselor thing but after about 6 months she told me to find someone else to see. She said she was worried for my safety and felt I needed someone else because she wasn't getting through to me. I haven't found anyone yet and I don't like trying to find someone to click with. I guess a huge part of me doesn't want to hurt him even though he will no doubt be happier without me..

I sure could use some advice. Did anyone have something particular that pushed them over the edge or gave them a back bone to do this. bring a friend or a family member with them to confront them. I get so upset and in my head I'm screaming or falling apart but the words just won't come out. I'm just afraid I'm never going to get my house fixed up and I'm going to be working on it forever and feeling horrible at my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:50pm
My advice is simple. If you don't have the strength to leave him yourself, or tell him to get out, then DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN...you don't need any other reason than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:05pm

You sound like a very smart lady. You said that you realize when he tries to put guilt trips on you, not participate in your family at all, cut down and insult you and your children, got you and your family in lots of debt, manipulates you emotionally, and wants you to pity him, irresponsible, don't go to work, drinks at the bar all day, etc etc

I know something that you could do...and it's very easy. You don't ask him what he wants to do, how he feels, or what his opinion is, or give him any more chances...and you don't tell him what you are doing or planning to do....Just pack up all of his stuff and drop it off at his mothers house (since she obviously won't mind)...and change your locks..and stop all communication with him...

BTW, we all believe you here, that you can leave him. I'm sure that we all wish you the best of luck in the future.

FYI ~ I think that you are scared to leave him b/c you are scared OF him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:09pm
Please listen to alva2206. She is speaking from her own personal experience that is/was just like yours! She KNOWS what she is talking about all ready...so therefore, she will be giving you the best advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:10pm
I do not think that you were out of line...I think that you made a good point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:56pm

I was in a sexually and verbally abusive situation for 6 years (the duration of my marriage to my x). Now that I'm out of it, I've worked very hard, each day to get my self esteem back. It's a daily battle and sometimes I slip, but I'm making it. My ex did several things to me that I've just now come to understand was sexual abuse. This is not the place to go into it though. I know how painful it can be, emotionally.

Rocket, you can do it. Believe in yourself, trust yourself, free yourself. Take off the shackle and walk away. Find yourself again and be free.

Best of Luck. I'm praying for you.

Becka

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:57am
I think that his post to me was to be for Rocket...right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:22am
HI Rocket. I hope today is a better day. I just want to let you know that money and bills are not a reason to stay in an alcoholic (abusive) relationship. I ended up filing bankrupcy and you know what-I lived. I still have a house, a car, and my sanity. Bad credit sucks but it is not the end of the world-there are things MUCH worse. I know I am not the only one here and we all lived to tell about it. Be Smart!
M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 8:00pm
Yes, it was. That's what I get for trying to type with a migraine. . .

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