How do I get past this hurt/I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
How do I get past this hurt/I need help
10
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 4:17pm
Well let me start out that I'm no young girl, I'm 53yrs old. I should be able to deal with this. I was with my STBX husband for 7yrs married 3. For the last year we have been back and forth atleast 4 times if not more. He leaves then tells me he loves me and wants to come back.. Once before when he was gone he was with another women, I forgave that and took him back... We went on vacation in Oct had a great time, he left again Nov 1st. Now I had this women IM me and I ignorerd it, I went to check if he was in the chat room and her name was there, I said let me see who she is, I didn't know the name so i looked at her picture, well to my suprise when i opened up the pic part there they where together, her and my husband.... I am devestated.... I dont' know what to do.... I am soooo hurt, I still love him but obviously he doesn't feel the same way...How can I get past this and start to heal.... I am obsessed with where he is I always check the chat room.... I even just wrote him a letter and he didn't respond... I know I sound pathetic please someone give me some advice...Not to mention he left in Nov I lost my Mom in Dec and went through that alone.... I need help.... please steer me in the right direction... I'm afaird I'm losing it.... thanks Kath
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:27pm
I am so sorry. My stbx is leaving me for another woman My story is long you can read my posts under dollyfrocks. I am 57 .......we have been together on and off for 28 years so I have been having a very hard time. I swear I cried and ranted and screamed for 4 weeks. I am better now. I just dont think there is anything that could have taken away my pain and anger and hurt. I had to live through it. He filed for divorce and it will be final in a couple weeks. I have begged him but then turn around and hate him and want away. I think he wants to live here for a while. She wont leave her husband for a year or year and a half
as she has church obligations. so I guess if I let him stay here one day her husband who has had two heart attacks will die and off will my x go.....poof he will be gone.
this is the first time another woman has been this close in our picture and i just cannot hardely handle it so I know what you are going through. I would suggest to feel your pain
.........go punch pillows, go cry, scream whatever you have to do.
But keep coming back to the board. There is a ton of support here even if all you do is vent! it helps. let it all out!
There is strength here even if we dont accept it right away it will help us in the long run.
The pain of cheating is so heavy I know. But remember to Love Yourself You must put yourself first now no matter what. Look in the mirror and say I love YOU .....no matter what happens in our life we still have ourselves. We are our own best friends.
I often times am more talk than do ie do as I say not as I do cause I am weak sometimes and dont do what I know I should.
If you read the posts on this board you will see you are certainly not alone.
Maybe us women should start a new law where we can have five husbands each and turn these tables around ..........shucks though they would kill each other. My stbx didnt like the idea of me having coffee with a man even though he is calling the other woman and emailing many times a day. He says me having coffee with a man is too close to being physical.
Men want their cake and eat it too
What your husband is doing is what alot of our husbands are doing.
I am sorry every time I start typing i start ranting. but do the same. get it all off your chest. that is the beginning of healing and learning how to deal with this in a way that is best for YOU.
We are all here for you!! ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:41pm
Hi Kath,
First of all I wish I could give you a big hug! Sounds like you could use one! I am not sure how you will get past this unless you are able to stop obsessing about where he is and with whom. I know it is hard. My ex cheated on me with a 21 yr old (he is 33). He has been "friends" with her since she was 16. So believe me I know how painful it is. I really do. For me I tried counselling. I didn't continue with it but now wish I had. Maybe it would help you, I know for many women it is a god send. If not then you need to have a great friend to lean on. I had that and I would not have made it through everything without them. If you need to vent feel free to e-mail me. I don't have all of the answers (I have made a lot of mistakes of my own in dealing with the pain) but I can listen and sometimes it just helps to write out your feelings and know that you are not alone in your struggles. I wish you all the best and even though I got sick of hearing it, it really does get easier. I believer that now. It takes time and a lot of tears first! Hang in there!
Hugs,
Kel
kellijeanmck@hotmail.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:04pm
Thank you both so much, it is difficult, now he has called me and he knows what he did is wrong and is making an appointment with a Physciatrist to get some help, he tells me and i agree somewhat that this all started last year after his mother passed away. He tells me that he loves me, and i do love him so I guess time will tell... but I will keep my guard up.... and i will be back here to vent and keep you all updated... thank you again, and if I am making a mistake I will be the first to admit it.... sooner or later, thanks again Kath
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:09pm
Kath, people are so full of advice and you are the only one that knows what will make you happy. You obviously love him. Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness at the end of the road.
Take care!
Kel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:42am

Kath I reda all of your posts. Please keep coming here - it is a great source of support. Also - you should consider counselling for yourself - I have found it to be a great source of support. ((((((hugs to you)))))) you deserve a loving and mutually supportive partner. Hopefully he will get the help that he needs.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:53am
thank you for being supportive, I know I am not going to run into that alot, so many people will be angry with me, but as you said I do love him and I have to do this for me..whether right or wrong... So thank you for your kind words... they mean alot to me. this will be my place of support and strengnth in this ordeal... love to you all... Kath
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 10:43am
There are no easy answers. I have spent many many years in a relationship that was on again off again.....Married him three times. 2 children we raised. I have been in the most horrible depths of despair because he found an old girlfriend who he says he loves more than he ever could me.
Its been hard. I have gone through every emotion in the book. But you know eventually you come to realise you are NOT compatible! I woke up this a.m. and felt like a completely different person!! Its like the clouds went away and I am now ok I think LOL we will see.
but hang on! you will not always be in this pain.
We tried for almost 30 years! dont do that. I am 57 and didnt want to look for another man and maybe I wont but for the fun and because he is emailing her and calling her so much (she lives far away) which made me even more lonely for some validation or caring, I thought ok I will go ahead and join a dating service online and at least have some email buddies.
One guy sent me a post and said I was so pretty. whether he means it or not it was music to my ears and it does help. I am not really pretty anymore to my stbx .......but then he never really said that too often.
But today I realise that being in love or caring about someone so much does not make you compatible. no way.
I am just going to concentrate on my work and enjoy the email buddies. heck we only live once. But I can tell you I thought I was literally going to die for a couple of months.
he had been saying he wants to be friends. I thought I could never do that. but after some of the pain has been washed out of my system I think LOL I am thinking OK lets do that..........I think I can do this. .........I even now suggested to him to get on yahoo personals and find email buddies rather than jump right in with this old girlfriend who is married anyway and she has too many obligations and told him it would be a year and half before she could leave her husband. even though they talk and email many hours a week. yuk. I told him he needs to date and get to know himself and find someone he is compatible with.
it wasnt easy to come to this conclusion. but you know all the sudden I feel so much better about if I do get into another serious relationship it will kind, warm, loving, faithful and compatible.
I am too old to waste any more years on being with this man.
I hated him so much for doing this to me but he is probably right.......we arent compatible. why would we separate so many times and marry and divorce three times.
I dont know how people of our age could be so dumb as to think it will ever work.
You know we stay together for our kids, thinking things will get better and they dont and the years go by and all the sudden you are nearing retirement and did not find happiness with this person.
Being on this board has helped me tremedously! I have been venting and venting and filled with blame towards him but now I can admit it was not all his fault. It may not really be either of us. he is a critical person and did dish out verbal and emotional abuse. The last few years were so much better so I settled down figuring hey we might as well grow old together and BAM right in the middle of my heart he gets into heavy contact with this old girlfriend. OUCH!
Yes we can feel so much pain and hurt. NOthing worse than rejection for the one we have loved and thought loved us. cheating is the worst rejection there is.
But you can get better and someday you will actually be glad this all happened believe me! Sounds like your relationship has been very rocky and .......kind of reminds me of 20 years ago. and here it is many years later and we are married! Our divorce will be final in two weeks I think.
I even tried to stop it. WHY? what is wrong with me? I did not want to stop loving him even though we have never been happy together.
They will come back oh yes........because they are emotionally attached to us. If you can somehow quit taking this man back in spite of how much you feel you love him and in spite of the fact he comes crawling back do not do it for as many years as I have. you only have one life to live kiddo, we dont get another chance. This is not a dress rehearsal, this is IT.
What I realised this morning was that the obsession needs to stop NOW!
and maybe you would have been compatible with this man but if he is going to cheat get out now. find someone who will be faithful and commit his love to you.
yes at our age it is scary but heck you see wedding pictures of people in the 70's and beyond!!
You know I heard that AIDs is becoming more common in our age group. and I am guessing that is because there are so many divorces now in our age group. People do not want to settle for less anymore. So be very careful .........if he has cheated this much in a just a few years he may never stop.
so be it. Love yourself and do what you need to do to rise above all this pain and hurt and anguish. it WILL go away I promise. come to the board and vent and vent and read others stories and how they came to deal with it. I am sure there will always be a little pain deep down but its for what I had hoped for, what I had thought the relationship would be surely someday. it never happened and I think I am ready to move on!!
When I read your post it could have been me talking ........I feel the hurt you are feeling because I have thought I would literally die the last couple months.
you are NOT pathetic. you love this man and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. The emotional feelings you are going through are normal. and you will have rage, hurt, despair, darkness, feelings of abandonment! Feel the pain then Let It Go!
we have to accept what is happening and realise in the end we are better off and this is the best thing for us!!
good luck to you!! ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:16pm

Kath;

I'm so sorry that you're going through this!! Anyone, at any age-I'm 40, would be hurt if they were going through what you are.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm here, thinking about you, sending you prayers and positive thoughts!!

Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:12am
No matter how old you are. No man is worth the pain he has caused you.There is beauty in every women. It hurts and the only advice I can tell you. Time will heal. There is some one out there for every one. Who will love you un conitionally and respect the woman you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 1:40pm
I hope you are right.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda