I know how you feel. My husband of 24 1/2 years is very non emotional. In fact the other day he started that 50 percent of marriages fall, so why am I so upset? Sick. I was with this man for 28 years. Mr wonderful has signed up to match.com and the papers aren't signed yet!!
I am just getting through, I've been a emotional roller coaster from extreme depression, to crying, to being mad as hell. My daughters are 22 and 19. They have their lives, college, bf's and their jobs. They aren't around much and this is hard on me. My younger daughter is slightly more supportive, she'll give me a hug when I'm at the worse. My older one doesn't want to hear, see or talk about it.
It is hard because i'm only 4 weeks into this. My husband still is living home and enjoying my cooking ( jerk) I don't cook for him.. he just makes a plate.
These are life savers for me.
I vent to close friends and my parents. I rant, rave, cry, and tell them all my fears, so they can disbuse them. when I get hysterical, I always go to a close friends house for a hug, or I call and cry on the phone.
When I'm angry I rip paper ( tip from my therapist) GO to a therapist, mine is wonderful, she helped me so much. She is trying to funnel the anger in a positive place, like going for a walk, or cleaning out a closet.
I think the best way to get through is just taking one day at a time whenever possible. My husband told me that he wanted to separate back in February but we didn't move apart until July. I have three younger sons, aged 11, 9, and 7, so it's a bit different for me. I've also worked our entire marriage so I don't have that particular source of stress. Regardless, though, we've been married for almost 18 years and it's been horribly difficult emotionally.
There have been plenty of ups and downs in my marriage and more than once I contemplated leaving. I always stayed though because I love my husband and felt we could always work things out. I honestly believed we would be growing old together...one of the greatest strengths of our marriage has always been our friendship. But almost the moment my husband told me he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore that all changed. He began to treat me like a troublesome wart on the back of his hand that he wasn't sure he wanted to bother removing or not. Zero warmth, zero caring, zero empathy. That has hurt more than anything. It's almost like he saw the decision to separate as permission to stop having to think about me or my feelings or my needs on any level.
Like you, I can't figure out how he manages to pull it off. I can't really believe that he just stopped feeling anything for me. My best guess is that he is feeling very guilty, and since he doesn't deal with that well figured out how to make sure that EVERYTHING was entirely my fault to "justify" his decision. That way when he deals with me he can think "wow, she doesn't understand me or my needs at all, thank goodness I decided to leave, how could I have put up with her for so long?" instead of "wow, I didn't think she and the kids would be so hurt by this, I hope they are going to be okay, I wonder if I made the right choice?"
I had a really hard time at first...I think I may have cried continuously for the first three weeks. Then I started getting really angry, then sad, then relieved, then depressed, and for the first few months I was bouncing all over the place emotionally. I kept going back and forth between just wanting him out of my life so I wouldn't have to hear his explanations about how it was all MY fault anymore, to desperately wanting to try to fix things so we could stay together.
Now that we are physically living three hours apart it's become easier. Although I do find myself wondering when I am going to stop thinking about him all the time. I miss the good things about our relationship, but I can't help but be disgusted by his behavior. He's out there living like a twenty year old again...does he really think that sleeping with a nineteen/twenty year old is going to make him young again? Hell, sleeping with a twenty year old would make me feel ANCIENT, not young LOL...
I guess the thing is to recognize that it's going to be hard for a while and give yourself permission to feel all those emotions surging through you, with the knowledge that with time it will get easier. Get through one day at a time for now, until breathing comes naturally again. Then, well who knows what the future holds, right?
I know how you feel. My husband of 24 1/2 years is very non emotional. In fact the other day he started that 50 percent of marriages fall, so why am I so upset? Sick. I was with this man for 28 years. Mr wonderful has signed up to match.com and the papers aren't signed yet!!
"This new path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"
Hi,
hi dana
I am just getting through, I've been a emotional roller coaster from extreme depression, to crying, to being mad as hell. My daughters are 22 and 19. They have their lives, college, bf's and their jobs. They aren't around much and this is hard on me. My younger daughter is slightly more supportive, she'll give me a hug when I'm at the worse. My older one doesn't want to hear, see or talk about it.
It is hard because i'm only 4 weeks into this. My husband still is living home and enjoying my cooking ( jerk) I don't cook for him.. he just makes a plate.
These are life savers for me.
I vent to close friends and my parents. I rant, rave, cry, and tell them all my fears, so they can disbuse them. when I get hysterical, I always go to a close friends house for a hug, or I call and cry on the phone.
When I'm angry I rip paper ( tip from my therapist) GO to a therapist, mine is wonderful, she helped me so much. She is trying to funnel the anger in a positive place, like going for a walk, or cleaning out a closet.
"This new path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"
I think the best way to get through is just taking one day at a time whenever possible. My husband told me that he wanted to separate back in February but we didn't move apart until July. I have three younger sons, aged 11, 9, and 7, so it's a bit different for me. I've also worked our entire marriage so I don't have that particular source of stress. Regardless, though, we've been married for almost 18 years and it's been horribly difficult emotionally.
There have been plenty of ups and downs in my marriage and more than once I contemplated leaving. I always stayed though because I love my husband and felt we could always work things out. I honestly believed we would be growing old together...one of the greatest strengths of our marriage has always been our friendship. But almost the moment my husband told me he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore that all changed. He began to treat me like a troublesome wart on the back of his hand that he wasn't sure he wanted to bother removing or not. Zero warmth, zero caring, zero empathy. That has hurt more than anything. It's almost like he saw the decision to separate as permission to stop having to think about me or my feelings or my needs on any level.
Like you, I can't figure out how he manages to pull it off. I can't really believe that he just stopped feeling anything for me. My best guess is that he is feeling very guilty, and since he doesn't deal with that well figured out how to make sure that EVERYTHING was entirely my fault to "justify" his decision. That way when he deals with me he can think "wow, she doesn't understand me or my needs at all, thank goodness I decided to leave, how could I have put up with her for so long?" instead of "wow, I didn't think she and the kids would be so hurt by this, I hope they are going to be okay, I wonder if I made the right choice?"
I had a really hard time at first...I think I may have cried continuously for the first three weeks. Then I started getting really angry, then sad, then relieved, then depressed, and for the first few months I was bouncing all over the place emotionally. I kept going back and forth between just wanting him out of my life so I wouldn't have to hear his explanations about how it was all MY fault anymore, to desperately wanting to try to fix things so we could stay together.
Now that we are physically living three hours apart it's become easier. Although I do find myself wondering when I am going to stop thinking about him all the time. I miss the good things about our relationship, but I can't help but be disgusted by his behavior. He's out there living like a twenty year old again...does he really think that sleeping with a nineteen/twenty year old is going to make him young again? Hell, sleeping with a twenty year old would make me feel ANCIENT, not young LOL...
I guess the thing is to recognize that it's going to be hard for a while and give yourself permission to feel all those emotions surging through you, with the knowledge that with time it will get easier. Get through one day at a time for now, until breathing comes naturally again. Then, well who knows what the future holds, right?
Hugs!
Lori
Hi Lori,