How do I get on top of this sadness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
How do I get on top of this sadness?
14
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 4:31pm
I don't know what to do. I am so sad all the time. I know now that he's not coming back and that my family is gone, but I can't seem to accept it. The littlest things make me cry. My house is falling apart around me and I am so broke. The emotional stress is incredible. I am so overwhelmed. I just need to get a firm footing, but it seems like everything I touch is falling apart. How do I deal with all of the mess? There is too much, but I can't seem to single one thing out to work on because they all seem to be priority. I am afraid that my sadness and stress over finances is going to effect the boys. I don't want to hurt them in anyway. They are hurting enough. Please give me some advice as to how I can get things in order and do away with this chaos.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 4:39pm
Hugs to you....I know you need it....You wrote exactly what I feel right now....My H is out of town with new girlfriend or whatever she is......and I am here falling apart...my house is a wreck and I have 3 boys that I am trying to keep happy but it is a daily struggle.....I cry all the time too, even though I am on antidepressents ....go figure....I am just trying to keep my head up and encourage you to do the same....Hopefully, it is true that it is always darkest before the dawn.......hang in there and hold your boys as much as possible...that seems to help me.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 6:48pm

The #1 way I know how to do that is to find a good therapist and start talking. When you've got all that stress, sadness and confusion there is nothing better than a professional, unbiased third party to help you sort through your feelings and put your focus where it needs to be (on healing and prioritizing your life).

Another good option is to work on a journal. Just write (or type) out all you are feeling. Sometimes once it's all on paper it makes a little more sense than when it's all in your head. You can use this board for this too, but sometimes you need to write down your thoughts more often than you want to post, so I say do both. Think of your brain right now as a big junk drawer. It needs sorting. It might also help to make a list of the things you need to do. You don't have to do any single one of them, but make the list so you know what they are. You can always refer back to the list later, and doing this will give your brain permission to stop constantly thinking of *all* the things that need to be done, because they are on the list you don't have to remember them. When you are ready pick one thing off the list, even if it's a small thing like cleaning up the kitchen or washing the kitchen sink to a nice shine. Give your brain only one thing to focus on at a time (well, two things, being sad and cleaning the kitchen sink are two good things).

You do need time to yourself to cry. I always feel better after a good cry, even if it only lasts a little while. Make time to do this after the children are asleep. Also make time for yourself even if it's just a 1/2 hour with a cup of tea and an old movie. Then cry if you feel like it, or just enjoy the movie if you don't.

After counseling, the second best way I know to get through something like this is to read. Go to the library and browse the books on sadness, relationships ending, helping children cope with divorce, personal finance, organizing, starting your life over or whatever makes sense to you. It's free and it's a tremendous help.

I feel sadness is something that fades over time, as long as you work on moving forward in your life. It can happen fast or slow, it doesn't matter which. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other you will eventually get there. But IMHO you have to make a committment to not stay stuck in this place forever, you have to want to get past it. You have to tell yourself this is temporary, and do things to help you sort through it and heal and make your life what you want it to be on your own, even if it's only little things and one thing at a time.

Also, many times going through this stuff is two steps forward one step back. Keep that in mind, sometimes it's the step backward that makes the two steps forward possible.




Edited 7/9/2005 6:49 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 8:54pm
Hannah, I am so sorry that anyone else in the world knows how this feels. I just wish i could see the horizon. I also take antidepressants. As well as them I take a sleeping pill to go to sleep and I do therapy everyother week. I am sorry you are going through this too. Good Luck to you! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 8:59pm
Thanks for your response Firstamendment! I am in therapy and I am reading so I guess the big thing now is to learn patience. I'll have to try some journaling. I make lists for everything these days (It's like I have lost my mind), so I guess one more won't hurt. Thanks again for the advice. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 3:17am

brenda - hugs...


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 5:30pm
Thanks for the post. What do you do when you don't know what you want or need? I have spent the last 15years serving my family, putting myself last and I don't even know who I am. I know that sounds outdated, but that is what I did. I was Mrs. Cleaver of the 90's and 2000's. Kind of funny now. All that work for nothing. LOL. I have one friend and I guess I should be happy with that. Again, I gave up everything for my family. Maybe that is why I am so lost. I didn't realize until he was gone how much I depended on him to make every important decision. Now I am frozen into place because I am afraid to screw up. I did the best I knew how in my marriage and that wasn't good enough. What if my best in life isn't good enough and my children suffer because of it? Thanks again.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 9:41am

(((hugs))) & prayers for your Sweetie. Its so hard. Why do you say your family has gone away?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 9:43am
You know who wasnt good enough? HE wasnt. not YOU!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 11:53am

honey - here is the thing:


for all these years you allowed others to dictate your life to you. for whatever reason - you allowed your husband and family be your "project" in life. and there is nothing wrong with that - but its not where you are today. you ar enot the same person you were 15 years ago, and you know something ----- life around you is not the same that it was 15 years ago. there are so many more opportunities today for women!


so here is the thing - try to switch your thinking mode. don't think about what WAS, don't think about what you should/could have done - but think about

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 10:23pm
Rebecca, How do you do it? I am so scared. You seem to be such a strong woman. I only have my children everyother week. How do I keep my children thriving with only being with them 3 hours a day on the week I have them. I have worked only parttime in the past and I am having trouble adjusting to working fulltime and so are my boys. How do single mothers do it? I know it's possible, but haven't the faintest idea how to begin. I don't care what happens to me. I have screwed up my life beyond belief. How do I keep from doing the same with my boys? I always told myself they wouldn't have to grow up the way I did. (Single Mom, working two jobs, but still broke all the time with a non existant father) The father thing is covered my ex is a good father. My Mom was never around and i am wearing myself out trying to be a fulltime Mom and working fulltime. You seem to have it all together. How do you do it? Thanks so much! Hugs, Brenda


Edited 7/11/2005 10:30 pm ET ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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