How do I go through wiht it?
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| Sun, 07-23-2006 - 11:26pm |
Hi everyone, I am new here and really just don't know what to do. I need to get a divorce and I just don't know how I am going to do it. I will give you a little bit of my story with out trying to make it a mile long. So here it goes. My husband and I have been together for eight years. We got together when we were in high school. I got pregnant at 17 and we started living together soon after. We got married a couple years after that. Our marriage never was really great. I blame this on us being so young but I really did love him and in the beginning he really loved me. Our marriage was full of problems. He always lied to me, I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. It was never ending. He would lie to me about the smallest things and in return I was affraid for him to do anything. I always accused him of cheating and I wouldn't let him go anywhere or have any friends. I realize now that was a big mistake (I don't take all the blame but am aware of my part in it) and I feel terrable about it now. This went on for years. He continued to lie and I continued to keep a tight leash on him. He basically took care of me in everything. Because we got together so young I really didn't know how to do things for myself. He got tired of taking care of me and not having any freedom and I grew tired of not being able to trust anything that came out of his mouth and tired of living in constant fear of his lies. About a year and a half ago we got into a fight and I asked him if he loved me anymore. He told me no. He said that he hadn't loved me in a long time and planned on ending our marriage within the next couple of months. I was in very much pain. I thought he was angry over the fight and kept asking him if he was sure. He said yes. The next day I moved in with my mom. I thought that in a week or two he would change his mind but he didn't. I found out a couple of months later that he was involved with a girl from work. He said that they never did anything while him and I were together but he did ask her out while we were together and would have gone out with her but wouldn't have done anything until after he left me. I don't believe this. I think that since in his head we were already over he would have done anything/everything with her and not felt the least bit of guilt. They Some what dated for a couple of months but not offically because to find out she was seeing someone else behind his back and that is why they never offically starting anything. The whole time however he was still sleeping with me (stupid I know but I still loved him) Well anyways, she told him that she was going to be with this other guy and broke things off with my husband. A couple months later my husband came to me and said he missed me and wanted to work things out. We had two kids together and I wanted to try my best as even after everything I still loved him. Again he broke up with me and said that he just didn't love me, said that he hadn't loved me in 4 years and didn't think that he ever would. He didn't say it in a mean way just in a "this is how it is way" and again it distroyed me. Only a couple months ago he said again that he missed me and the kids and wanted to give it another shot. I was worried and didn't want to but he assured me that he wanted to work on it and truley felt that this time was different. I had my own place at this time so he moved back in. Stayed here for a couple of months. Things were going really great and I really felt that things were going to be different this time. I grew impatiant and told him that if he didn't love me then he needed to leave. He said he cared about me very much but still didn't love me yet and said he would leave. I felt I made a mistake and asked if he still wanted to give it a try but he said he was tired of hurting me and felt we are just two different people. My heart is broken and I feel terrable. I do still love him very much and things have been so great between us. I know that I have to go through with a divorce as I know that nothing will change and it will be the same old story over and over again but the thought of divorce kills me. We don't have any anger towards each other anymore and get along really well and I think that that is what makes this so hard. If I hated him then it would be easier. I feel that he should have left me because I treated him very poorly (as he did with me) I just wish that he didn't leave me the way that he did and I wish that I didn't still love him after everything. I just don't know how I am suppose to actually go through with getting the divorce process going even though I know it is the only way to go. It hurts and I don't know what to do. I really am not looking for any answers just a little bit of support and a little advice and maybe a good kick in the butt every now and then. Sorry it got so long and I rambled on I just feel so horrible right now I don't know how to type. Sorry.
Thank You,
Sweetpea

Hi sweetpea...
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Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I too married very young (we were both in HS) and we were so immature that we hurt each other a lot before we were old enough to realize the consequences. I too think that you might try counseling, if he is willing, as a way to reconcile or come to terms with the split. My husband never gave counseling chance but I believe it can help.
The first time my husband and I split up I was 17 and I wish that I'd gotten a divorce right then but I didn't want to be divorced, I wanted it to work. That was 13 years ago and it still doesn't work. Don't waste your youth as I have done if he truly doesn't love you. No matter how much you want him to, you can't make him. Good luck!
OMG< Sweetpea, I think we were married to the SAME man. Your story sounds much like mine, although I was older. My heart is broken, but I've come to the conclusion that the pain will never end, not as long as I let him own me. I have to let go of that dream, of our "happy family". Right now, I'm not sure it was ever true.
We've been separated for almost 4 years. Now I just want it done.
You can do this. Be strong. Find the true you!
sweetpea, you are falling into a pattern. My ex wanted to get back together so many times, but a bunch of those times, he had a girlfriend! He made the kids lie to me about stupid things, like a big screen TV. I say cut your losses, you'll be better off without him!
I'm sure there is some free counselling available for you.
sweetpea, if you can get any kind of counseling it would be good. I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't in counseling. I know insurance is an issue as it is mine. There are some free groups that meet. Perhaps you can check your local churches or call a counseling center and ask if they can recommend a place you can seek help that is affordable.
Good luck to you. You are not alone. As I sit here, I too feel sadness in my heart. Somedays are worst than others to the point it all seems hopeless. Hang in there. I've been told things get better as time goes on (I'm keeping this in mind too because it gives me hope that maybe there is light at the end of this dark path).