How Do I Handle This Separation/Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2005
How Do I Handle This Separation/Divorce
2
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:39pm

Greetings!

My husband of 22 yrs. left me 3 months ago. I am 47 and he is 50, we have no children by choice. It was a total shock when it happened. We were going through some rough times, I especially was, having to deal with my ailing 83 yr old Father and my Mother who was the prominent caregiver (I am an only child), my crumbling business, financial problems, etc...We got into a heavy duty fight and out he went for 1 wk..came back for a wk. and off he went for good. During that time I was a wreck, I was acting out in irrational ways, due to anger, denial etc. I went into therapy immediately which has helped me tremendously. During this time of course I had grand illusions of reconciliation. I was the one calling, I was the one begging, and all this time he was treating me like some old pair of shoes that he no longer wanted to look at??? Huh?? what is wrong with this picture?? I should be reacting the way he was..being the scorned woman and all...lol...lol...Well, immediately after he left was acting like a dancing monkey telling everyone the left me and that he was going to back to his country (in Europe) to relocate there. A month ago he went back home to take care of things for his move back home. Everyone including myself said that wait till he comes back he may come and want to reconcile...it was the toughest month of my life (aside from the previous 2 months) having to wait on my future. During his time away, I came to the realization that if he wanted to reconcile and it meant for me to move back with him I would..(this has been one of our biggest dilemas all these years)...I Went to work everyday, went on w/my life as best as I could. He came back last week, we met for dinner last week. I was extremely civil towards him, hey he even told me he met someone while he was overseas and that he's taking that relationship slowly...UGH... he basically said that I will never change..(that killed me,...I was ready to get up and leave) that I would not last 1 month overseas with him and that he doesn't want to be married to me anylonger he wants to be alone. I took it like a champ, told him fine, we now need to go on with the divorce, he said divorce why? it's just a piece of paper?? Huh?? I told him that JUST A PIECE OF PAPER legally binds me to you, it legally ties me to you, and I do not want any ties with you, why would you if you dont want to be married to me?? After that he said that he wants more $$$ for me to buy him out...(that's all he ever says when we talk) I said NO, you signed a paper, and that's all you are going to get. To make a long story short, from the beginning he wanted me to sell the house, I refused. After our last meeting I got my AHA moment...I called him 2 days later and I gave him 2 choices either we go to a mediator or my cousin would help mediate (he's a therapist) to smooth out the divorce details. He called me back and said NO WAY, you will have to talk to my lawyer from now on, (something he begging from the beginning to me to not go through lawyers), he wont let me keep the house, unless I pay him off with extra $$, and he wont allow another man to live in house, he blamed me for him leaving me, that I forced him out???, I made him sign the separation papers??? everything is my fault and it has been since the beginning. Well I will not tolerate that any longer. I will not tolerate his nastiness, or him being vindictive..He wants to fight, I will fight. I changed my home number as well as my cell. I will not allow myself to talk to him, or see him, all further communications will be done through our lawyers, I know it will be costly. This is sad, I tried to keep things civil and not go after anything else that I would be entitled too especially his property overseas...just leave me with the house and I'II give x amount of $$$$...but NO...he just keeps on provoking me. This is the way it has to be, as I will not tolerate him treating me like a disregarded pair of shoes...I just have to stand my ground now....and cut all ties with him...he doesn't want to be with me, why should I?? took me long enough to get it, looks like I'm getting it now...PHEW!!!...is this his mid-life crisis??? I think so...2 months before he left he asked me...hey did I ever go through a mid-life crisis??? hmmmmm looks like you are now...you'll wake up one day and say to yourself what the (&%*&()T*(^( happened???? and it will be tooo late!!!!

Sorry, long venting session here...any advice would be greatly appreciated especially from woman who are/have been there.....

Cheers

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:12pm

Hi Cookie,


Hugs and prayers for you and your situation. It's tough to find yourself being left on the doorstep like an empty milk bottle. There's no "right" way to react and believe me all of us on this board have had similiar experiences and vented accordingly. Just be constructive and take things one day at a time.


Sounds like your husband has decided to leave and end this marriage. Please do seek compete legal advice and take it. And let the idea of "being nice" or "being fair" go for now. You've entered an adversarial and legal action against your husband. So try not to feel guilty for wanting things to end friendly when they won't.


First of all, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want a legal divorce. You can eventually get one whether he wants to file papers or not. (Ask your lawyer). Second, very often, one person in a divorce will blame the other for the decision to leave. That's called "villianization." In other words, he needs to shift the blame for his choices to someone else; so he can relieve any guilt he feels (and yes, he probably does feel guilty), and be able to leave emotionally as well as physically.


Also, remember, not many people leave a marriage on a whim. Chances are he's been thinking about it, planning for it, and preparing for it for a long time. The "surprise" happens when they actually leave. So, don't feel bad about not having a clue. If he decided to leave the marriage a long time ago, he'd already left emotionally. Packing his bags and walking out was just the final act for him.


I do encourage you to seek legal help and take that advice. Whatever happens with your joint property make sure its in your best interest, becuase rest assured, your STBX's attorney will act in HIS best interest. ;-)


Find support where you can and don't back down about your needs.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 10:32am

Hi! Your H sounds like mine - Controlling, mean, self centered. I left mine 5 months ago. He was all those things for years, and it took me years to get out of it. (I was married for 30 years). We have one son 15, aand my stbx has exerted his considerable abiity to be intimidating on my son to keep my son with him. (I see my son a lot, I'm only 1.5 mi. away, but he won't stay with me overnight, doesn't want to risk his father's anger) But I have made the decision to go ahead with the divorce and try to get full custody so I will have my son with me soon, for at least part of the time. And he will get counseling, court ordered. (His father insists he doesn't need it.)

I have not regretted my decision to move out for a moment. And I am happier than I have been in at least 10 years. We had financial problems too, caused by our family business. He blamed all the pproblems on me, all his problems on me. Well, I realized that it was easy for him to blame me for all the problems when all he did is lay on the couch, watch TV, isolate and feel sorry for himself, and begin a long desent into alcoholism. It was sad, but I couldn't help him, because he perceived me as the problem.

I guess I am just venting too, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Go on with your life, and you will find much more happiness than you knew possible. I wish you all the best and congratulate you on your decision not to be his whipping post/doormat/old pair of flipflops! You go, girl!