How do I help my daughter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
How do I help my daughter?
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Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:04pm

My daughter (3 1/2) and I moved out of our family home into an apartment in April. My husband of 15 years stayed at our home where my daughter goes for visitation. I am happy to say that since we moved out my daughter has spent more time with her dad then the other three years of her life put together. Since he didn't spend a great deal of time with her when we lived there things at first were not nearly as hard on her as it could have been. However, since she's spending more time with him it has become increasingly difficult on her. To compound things, her dad bought a new puppy, so now she not only misses him when she's with me, she misses the puppy too.

She gets upset a lot at bedtime asking for her dad or her puppy...The other night she told me she didn't want to have two houses anymore, she wanted her dad to live with us.

This is really tearing me up...it makes me wonder if I've done the right thing, that maybe I've ruined her life.

In my head I know that moving us out was the right thing to do, but now my heart is breaking over the hurt that I've caused her.

Can someone give me some advice on what to say to her, how to make her feel better?

Thanks,
Tracy J.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 4:12pm

I have been going through the same type of situation with my kids, 8, 6 & 3. My 3 year old is acting out more than anything. But my 8 year old askes for his dad all the time and crys at night. I started out my going to counseling on my own and have brought the kids in on sessions for the kids only. Then the counselor suggests if she would like to see them individually. It has helped. She gives me different ways to answer the kids questions and the kids themselves talk very open with her.

That is my only suggestion. It is tough but day by day it gets better. Oh, I do let the kids call there Dad when they ask for him as well. That way they can tell him goodnight and they know he is still there.

Hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 7:13pm

Don't worry... you haven't ruined her.... and you said yourself, she's spending more time with her dad now than ever.... and YOU get a "break" to rejuvenate while she does.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 7:45pm

My dd was 3 when we separated. We sold the house because we had to financially, but we also didn't one her to feel like one of us 'left' and we thought it would be easier on her to have two 'new' homes than one new one and one old one. She had a hard time not being in her home, the only one she ever knew. It was heartbreaking at the time, but now she doesn't even remember it. Even though your STBX stayed in the house, your dd will get used to this situation. It took our dd 5 weeks just to 'get' the new routine. Little kids are so dependant on knowing what to expect, and your dd might still be struggling with some of that. My dd didn't start asking for us to all live together again until we had been apart about a year or so, but I was expecting her to say it. I have very few memories of my parents living together but I still would ask my mom every so often when I was young if they could get back together (lol now, it would have been an incredibly bad idea and I was the only one that didn't know it). When my dd says she wants us to 'all live together' I just tell her we can't, we decided not to or something like that. I think I've told her that it would be convenient, but it's not going to happen.

When my dd is really missing her dad I validate her feelings, I tell her well of course she misses him and she can call him if she likes, and I remind her when she will see him again. I let her know it's okay to be sad but then I try and distract her and suggest a game, or coloring or doing something just us. If she can't get past it then I remind her we don't get to see each other all the time either but this is our time and we need to make the best of it. There have been two times in the past two years that she was so upset all I could do is hold her and she just bawled. Those times are hard. But they are also rare. I know my ex at first would get upset when she was there and missed me a ton, so I make sure to tell him about this every so often that 'oh, dd was really missing you last night but I reminded her she'll see you in two days and she wants you to take her to this-or-that restaurant.' It just keeps him feeling like he's not always out of sight out of mind (which is just part of the relatity of divorce, for the most part my dd focuses only on the parent she is with).

I just got two kitties and I think my dd misses them when she's at her dad's (she is with each of us one week at a time). I remind her that they keep me company when she's gone and that she'll always see them very soon. You don't have to get a puppy, but do remember that you and her need special time together and special activities. DD and I do some things she can't or doesn't do with her dad, like we play UNO, we take weekend trips out of town to see a friend, we go to the library, we make animals out of crayola model magic and we always do our grocery shopping at whole foods on saturdays, and we eat lunch there before we shop. There are also things dd gets to do at dad's that she doesn't get to do here, like eating lots of junk and showering with her bathing suit on (every single time she showers).

Your dd will (and probably already does) appreciate having you all to herself sometimes. There are going to be times when she wants you more or him more, and if you are amicable and can co-parent, then you can both support her through all of that and she'll grow up and be happy and healthy and your mind AND heart will know you did the right thing.




Edited 7/26/2005 7:46 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 11:20pm

Great advice!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 10:03pm

Karen, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I guess I'm feeling a little more "emotional" about everything since the divorce is supposed to be final next Wednesday.

I like to think my husband and I are on the same page...however, I know that most of the time we aren't. When my daughter, Kolbie, is missing her dad I always reassure her that he loves her and misses her too. When she's with him I make sure if she asks to tell her I'm not doing anything special and she should be glad she's not staying home with me to do chores, etc. :-)

My STBX works ALL the time...an unreal amount of time. A lot of days he'll go to work at 9:00 and won't get home until after midnight; he works at least two weekends a month and sometimes more. I hate to say, but, when she's with her dad it's all about fun. I know I can't compete with that.

My STBX and I need to sit down and talk...however, I find it difficult to communicate with him, as he's often infurriating. :-0 In the last few weeks Kolbie's thrown some REALLY big, unacceptable, fits; when I told her dad about them, hoping he could help with making sure she gets plenty of rest when she's with him ect., I get, "she NEVER does that with me". Of course then I'm aggrevated and tell him she doesn't have too, that she gets whatever she wants when she's with him. He says that not true but I think for the most part it is and we're trying to learn to deal with that.

Thanks so much for the additional resources, I'm going to check them out, as I need all the help I can get.

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 10:33pm

Firstamendment, thanks so much for your reply. I think one thing that has made this whole experience harder on my daughter is that we don't have a "set" schedule. My STBX works so much that he can't get her on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of every month like the custody agreement says. Because I know how important it is for her to spend time with him I let him get her anytime he wants to. The only real issue about this schedule happened a few weeks ago when he called me at 10:30 p.m. (on a Sunday night) and she was still up. The next time he wanted to get her and have her stay over a Sunday I told him she could only stay if she was in bed by 8:00-8:30. Because she never knows if/when she's going to see him I think the feelings of missing him are compounded. So, like recently she spend two weekends in a row with him, then she doesn't understand why then it might be ten days to two weeks before she sees him again.

I encourage her to call her dad every day, however, she doesn't always want to, and I don't force her to. Just like when she's with him and I call to check on her she often refuses to talk to me. :-D

I too have "special" things that only me and my daughter do, like finger painting and other crafts or making cookies, that I know her dad doesn't do with her. On the other had they have special things they do together like riding the horses, playing with the dogs, and riding on the golf cart. I'm glad she has these kinds of things with each of us that she can look forward to.

I'm doing everything in my power to try to ensure that she grows up to be a happy, healthy, and well-rounded person. When she was 2 1/2 after the two of us had been out of town for a family reunion (where everyone asked her if she was "shy") we got home and I breifly spoke to my STBX, she was loving on him and I went in the bedroom to put our bags away, when I came back to the living room she told me, "there's my daddy", I said, "I know I see him", she said, "don't be shy mama you can talk to him". It was at that moment when I realized just how this unhealthy relationship was affecting her...out of the mouths of babes.

Thanks so much for your words of encouagement, it means a lot to know that others are going or have gone through the same things.

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 12:22am

>>>My STBX and I need to sit down and talk...however, I find it difficult to communicate with him, as he's often infurriating. :-0 In the last few weeks Kolbie's thrown some REALLY big, unacceptable, fits; when I told her dad about them, hoping he could help with making sure she gets plenty of rest when she's with him ect., I get, "she NEVER does that with me". Of course then I'm aggrevated and tell him she doesn't have too, that she gets whatever she wants when she's with him. He says that not true but I think for the most part it is and we're trying to learn to deal with that.<<<

I think communicating is so important to co-parenting, but sometimes the other parent just refuses to do that. When that happens, I think it's best not to ask for help. You are probably going to be stuck with him always being 100% fun parent and him not really caring if he's kept her up to late and that causes her problems when she's with you. If I were in this situation (and I'm not, so feel free to ignore my advice) I would not give him any ammunition to use against me. The best way to never hear "well that doesn't happen when she's with me" is to never complain. Complaining to him is only a good solution if he's actually going to care, and he doesn't seem to get it. He is very likely to see any of your comments as pure criticism and either get defensive or turn it around and use it against you.

>>>Because she never knows if/when she's going to see him I think the feelings of missing him are compounded<<<

Having no schedule is hard and will probably continue to be hard. The one thing I personally say to him as often as possible is that dd is asking to see him, can he commit to an upcoming date for her sake (and again, feel free to consider or disregard, I'm just throwing out suggestions). Anytime you can give her a date that she can look forward to that might help. Other possible outlets for her might be a routine of leaving him a voicemail when she misses him, or drawing him a picture when she wants to see him but can't. She could draw him something and put it in a folder and when he picks her up she can give it to him. Or any other routine-ish kind of activity she will always know she can depend on. It's never going to be as good as seeing him in person, but it might be something. My other thought is that finding the best way to help her cope might just occur to you one day as you and her muddle your way through this process. All children are different, but most importantly if a child has two parents that love her and aren't out to destroy each other, the liklihood is very high the child will grow up happy and emotionally healthy IMHO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 1:08pm

Firstamendment, thanks so much for the advice. I had already figured out (for the most part) that it probably isn't a good idea to give too much detail about any dicipline problems we're encountering, however uneasy this makes me feel. I know if he were having problems with her I would want to know. For now I think it's best that I keep to myself and find another way to "let off steam" regarding her behavior.

As far as our schedule, one thing he does is if he knows somethings coming up or she's going to be spending time with him he'll tell her a week or more in advance. They were planning an out of town trip over 4th of July weekend, he told her about 10-12 days before the trip, so everyday between the time he told her and the trip, at daycare when the teacher would tell her, "see you tomorrow", she'd say, "no, tomorrow my dad and I are going to be on a trip". Every day and night I would have to explain to her, yes you and your dad are going on a trip but it will be so many "sleep nights" before you get to go. She's really too young to understand the concept of time past two or three days and the fact that he doesn't get that compounds the issue. We're working on that as well...

I LOVE the idea of having the folder that she can put the things she draws or colors into so they'll be altogether when he comes to pick her up and she can show him how much she misses him. I think that's a great way to make her feel better and him feel a little better too.

Finally, (just venting here) it kind of hurts my feelings that he doesn't try to do anything to make me feel better when she's with him. I understand that he feels like this is what I "wanted" since I initiated the whole divorce, however, he still doesn't understand that this was never what I "wanted" but that this is what I thought would be the best for all three of us. The last time he had her for a weekend I started calling him about 5:30 p.m. on Saturday and didn't get in touch with him until ~4:00 p.m. on Sunday. He said he had missplaced his cell phone but sometimes I think that is his way of having "control" over the situation. I'm sure there will be many more bumps in the road...

Thanks again!
Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 1:42pm

The one thing that has helped my ex more than anything (I think) is leading by example. I don't tell him what to do or not do when he has her, I do tell him when she's missing him, I do tell him when the teacher said something to me that was notable or there is an upcoming thing at school that I find out about first, I do tell him anything important he should know as a parent. I would do this even if he didn't reciprocate, but I think because I never push it and always say things in a 'your her parent and I respect you as her parent' sort of way, he caught on and he returns the favor. I also make sure to keep boundaries set, not to complain to him about things that are my problems or say anything he could use against me or throw in my face later, I don't give him lots of details about what dd and I do on our time or tell him every cute thing dd does (I tell him some things, but I try and keep our relationship more professional than personal and so I don't gush to him or try and have any 'awww' moments shared with him).

Whatever 'rhythm' your communication with him is going to have will be established over time. Try different things and see what works with him and what doesn't. If I need to tell him something I give it to him in a backward way, like at first I was curious to know if he was comforting dd when she was with him and missed me (versus getting upset), I said something like "dd was really missing you and I told her that was normal and offered for her to call you (she declined) and reminded her she'll see you in two days, and that worked well, so I just wanted you to know." What I was really doing was giving him parenting advice, but I tried not to let him realize that. When I do that, I take the standpoint that it doesn't matter how he feels or whether he ignores my opinion, I give it and then it's up to him what to do. One time I got a call from his cell phone and it was dd, screaming and crying so hard I couldn't understand a word she said (it's hard to understand her to begin with) other than she was screaming for me. Then he got on the phone and said she missed me and something and that he had to go. I was so upset (beyond words upset) because here my dd was crying out for me and I could not do anything to comfort her. It was so hard but I just waited a few hours and then called him and asked if she was okay, which she was, and even though I was so angry he hadn't been the one to call me and tell me she was okay after that (I mean, she sounded like someone was killing her), I forced myself let it go and prayed it would not ever happen again (which it didn't, he learned from it). That experience taught him that when dd is upset he has to take care of it, I know for him, as with me, this whole thing is a learning process. I try to be open to letting him figure things out on his own like this, and to saying things in a non-threatening way and between both of those I think most of the important matters get handled properly.

I can see where your dd would have time knowing how many days until she see's her dad especially when it's not consistent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:25pm

Like your Ex, my Ex keeps in phone contact but doesn't actually give our DD very much of his time. He lives 5 minutes away but sees her no more than two days per month. Because I have DD with me 98 percent of the time, I can usually manage without speaking to DD during those rare times when she is with her father. It's not vital that I say goodnight to her on the one night she may be with him. If I really really wanted to say goodnight, but didn't reach them, I would leave a message: "Ex, this is me calling to say goodnight to DD, please let her hear this message..."

She is with me SO much, she would not think that I was neglecting her if I didn't call. Her father however has to call every single day or she will wonder what happened. After all, his daily calls are practically their entire relationship.

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