How do I know if Divorce is right?
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| Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:39pm |
Hi, I'm new here and I'm scared,sad and shocked at the feeling I am having.
Dh and I have been married for almost 8 years (July). We started dating in 1993 while I was in high school.So all together we have been with each other going on 13 yrs. We have two wonderful children and we both love them dearly. Everything seem to be going really great in our marriage until 2003 after our son was born. I have been getting unhappier everday sense then. Dh comes home from work and the yelling starts. Basically I feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore. I don't do anything right. He doesn't say hateful things like "you're a which with a B" it's more like "god you didn't even do the dishes yet?" In a disappointing tone. I'm so sick of it.
Right now he's not living at the house. He's away for work and he'll be gone until January. So I have time to decide if I really want to go ahead with divorce. We're always fighting over little stupid stuff. He makes such a big deal out of the little things that goes wrong and I'm the type that will let it roll off my back.
Sex on my part is non exsistant. I don't want to do it with him, gosh for that matter I don't want to have sex with anyone anymore. I feel like I have been turned into his private prostitute.
The worst part about all of this is that I know he loves me very much and I don't know how to even approch the subject to him. It's going to kill him and thats what's making me sad. We also have a huge amount of debt and a new mortgage that almost two years old. I have no futher education after high school and I don't know how I will make it.
Where do I even start with a divorce? I "think" we could settle this on our own but who knows how dh will take the news. Do we have to go though lawyers or can we do it on our own? I can't even afford a lawyer.
Thanks for listening to me
tik

I just wanted to say thanks so much for listening to me and offering any advice you could have given me. Sense noone can help I'm moving on the the delphi forum. They are very nice over there and are helping me understand my feelings and thought process.
Nice job your doing CL
This is a sad tale, you two have succumbed to the stresses of life and lost each other. It sounds like he is feeling over-worked and stressed about the family's finances. And you are burdened with doing everything for the house and the kids, it is all hard work.
Whether divorce is the answer, only you can say. But I do know that it will be hard on the kids AND you when you return to the work force and have to focus on supporting yourself in addition to all the work you are doing now (kids, house, homework...).
Have you talked to your doctor, family and friends and sought ways to introduce a bit more relaxation and fun into your life? If you spend your day dragging a tired self from one household duty to the next, then there isn't going to be much left of you that you can offer to a spouse.
If you are past the point of wanting to work on it, then I apologize for the suggestions above. There does come a time when your mind is made up and you don't want that kind of help. Whatever you decide, good luck.
Hi there, and welcome to the board.
It doesn't sound like you're very certain you want a divorce. I would definitely suggest going to counseling before you make any decisions. Since your H is away, go by yourself for a while to help gain some clarity about the situation, and see if your H would also be willing to go upon his return.
If you really and truly feel this marriage is over, I would still suggest going to counseling, but also schedule an appointment with an attorney so you can ask some questions about the process. Most will give a free or very low-cost consultation.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank
Hi tik!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
hi and hugs..
I was just wondering something - you say that the 'change' happened after the birth of your second son. I don't know how many years difference between the two pregnancies/births. but it IS possible that your feelings are somehow hormonally-linked. it IS possible to even come up with feelings of hatred toward your husband because of hormonal imbalances. i amnot saying that this IS the issue here, but i am saying its a possibility. in addition - i read in your profile that you are a SAHM - that, in itself, can be stressful and frustrating. have you spoken to your ob-gyn about your feelings, lack of sexual desires?
Do you love your husband? You actually sound depressed to me. Are you happy being home? Would you be happier being out of the home? meaning working outside of the home? I don't advise jumping right into a divorce without first speaking with a spouse or attempting counseling. I would really advise getting counseling for yourself, speak to a financial advisor about getting your debt under control, and tell your husband you want to go to a marriage counselor becuase you are unhappy in the marriage, many men will balk at the idea of a marriage counselor. Don't allow it to get into a screaming match but rather calmly explain to him that you feel at your wits end with this marriage that you do not feel any love coming from him anymore and that in order for this marriage to survive and you two to survive as a good loving parental unit together that you are going to need to repair that damage or else you are going to be headed to divorce, and you don't want that for your children. Maybe showing him that what its doing to his family as a "WHOLE". Use I statements not YOU. Meaning "I" am not feeling any love in this relationship anymore, "I" am not feeling important in this relationship, "I" feel invisible etc. and so forth...that way he doesn't hear YOU call me names, you yell at me etc. he'll just shut down if you approach him like that.
To be honest you sound depressed, if being in the home all day and the stresses that this entails and then having hubby come home and critique your every move because you weren't able to get the dishes done in time, despite him not knowing all that you've done all day because he hasn't even asked. THose are things you work out in counseling. Ways to better communicate, ways so that hubby knows to ask, what went on with the children today, so that he knows that you were up to your elbows chasing johnny and the cat outside because johnny accidentally let the indoor cat out and therefore took away the time you were able to do the dishes. etc.
I really wouldn't leap into divorce without exhausting all your other options, especially when you have two children. You may regret that.