How Do I Leave?
Find a Conversation
How Do I Leave?
| Thu, 05-17-2007 - 3:20pm |
I am 24 years old and have been married for four years to a very controlling man. We have one child together, a two year old son. When we married, I knew he was emotionally abusive and controlling, but I was really young and thought everything would eventually get better. It didn't. Once I had my son, I realized how stupid I had been to believe that he would change. I knew that if his pattern of abuse didn't get worse, it would certainly be transferred to our child in one form or another. The abuse has never been physical, but it's just as devastating, and I don't want my child to go through that. For the past two years, I have wanted to leave, but have always found excuses for not doing it. I know that my life and my son's life would be better without him, but my brain keeps arguing with itself about the issue. I think about how hard financially it would be without him, the effect not having a dad around would have on my son, and making it in the world alone. That is the scariest thing to me because I went straight from my parents to my husband, and I don't know how to be totally independent. I could probably make it financially because I have a good job, but it would certainly be tight for a while. And then, I irrationally worry about how he will make it, and I know that it will be even harder for him. I hate the thought of taking my little boy from him, too. Everything is so muddled, and the more I think about it, the easier it is to keep coasting along in misery. If anyone can give me any kind of encouragement or advice it is much appreciated. And please, no flaming (as I've experienced on other sites), because I get too much of that at home as it is...

I can't imagine why you'd get flamed over this!
Leaving is a difficult decision, but so is staying. Can you get some individual counseling?
I think that the most important thing is to leave no stone unturned before you do leave so that you won't regret your decision!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
While I can't really give you advice on how to leave, I can lend an ear and tell you my plan, because I am going thru the same situation. I just turned 27 and I have 2 small DS's (4 & 1) I feel guilty about how he will be on his own, but it's getting to the point where I just don't care anymore. And it makes me feel so bad to take the boys away from him because they are his only blood b/c he's adopted. But I have a lot of good men in my family (my brother being #1) to be the male figure in their lives. I called the domestic abuse hotline who suggested going to a safehouse temporarily to get on my feet and to get my own place. I spoke with my job about it because it would require me to take a leave of absence and I needed to know I could do that if that's the road I chose to go down. Fortunately for me, I have a VERY supportive family who said I can stay with them if need be. But I got lucky and a friend of mine has an apt I can move into asap, and it's in a place where he would never find me. The second I walk out that door, I'm going to court to get an order of protection and to file for full custody. He threatened to have the state take my children from both of us rather than to go to me...he tells me I will get them over his dead body. That's what he thinks. I have a lot of people in my corner and he has no one.
Do you have any family to help you? The only part of my plan that I haven't figured out yet is the actual packing and getting everything out without him knowing. If I told him I was leaving, I have no idea what he'd do, as he has been physically abusive in the past, just not really recently. This would send him over the edge and I'm afraid of what he would do to me. You do need to get out. My older son is having problems in school already, he's always angry or sad and he talks about our fighting to his teachers. This WILL affect your son more than you can imagine.
This will be the hardest thing you have ever done...I only made my decision less than a week ago, but what keeps me going is thinking about my son's well being and how much better off we all will be without him. If I feel guilty, I talk to my sister in law and my friends and they remind me of the bad things I've told them...they help me to see the light. I also told pretty much everyone I know of my decision, to make it that much harder for me to change my mind and stay. Like you, I have wanted out for a long time, but I think I finally got the courage up and will go thru with it.
I wish you nothing but happiness in this difficult time. I hope I was able to help a little.