How do I leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
How do I leave?
3
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:22pm

I'm not seperated or divorced, yet we might as well be. I'm new here and need the advice of the "experts". LOL My DH and I have been together 13 years, married 7. We have a 4 y.o. DS who adores his daddy. DH is a teacher and full-time football, basketball, and baseball coach. He's rarely home due to his practice and game schedule. We met in college, dated for 6 years, married and had our son. I married him for what I thought was love, but now after all these years, realized that I married him out of complete fright. I loved/love him, but was not in love with him and was scared to be alone. I have never really been sexually attracted to DH and we have not had sexual contact of any kind in 19 months. He's miserable. I don't blame him one bit. He doesn't want to lose me, but neither one of us is happy in the M and we really need to just cut the ties.

We did try back in Aug. last year to sell the house. We are in debt and the only way to help with the debt was to sell the house. We were planning on seperating at that time. Well, an offer came in on the house and I panicked! I couldn't go through with it. I was losing my house, my life, my marriage, my H and having to start all over. I begged DH to try to work on things with me and so we renigged on the offer and took it off the market. Well, here we are 8 mths later and nothing has changed. I've tried "laying down" and just doing the deed, but I can't. I've tried to reach out to him with affection and love, but I'm doing it because I'm lonely and want someone to hold me. I'm not doing it because I'm truely in love with him.

He's started to be really mean to our son, whom I know he loves. However, his frustration and anger towards me is being pushed on our son and I can see that it hurts our DS. I want so much more for my son. I want his daddy to be there at bedtime and wake up with him in the morning. I'm so afraid that DS will hate me for breaking up our family. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of giving up everything I've known for 13 years to have to start all over. I don't want to live in a nasty apartment...I want to live in MY house.

I just don't know how to sever the ties. We both know that we can't go on like this until the day we die. I want to be happy. I want DH to be happy. I'm so scared and confused. How do you do it? Help me please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:54pm
Welcome out of control,
I was in your shoes 5 years ago. I was not happy and decided that I was done with my marriage and I don't think I was ever in love with my ex. I have done a lot of changing in the previous 5 years. I was scared and didn't think I could do it but I took it one day at time and dealt with my fears one a time. I have 3 gorgerous DD's that I have to support and they have noticed I am much happier and calmer since I divorced their dad. I was becoming very B***hy. But now 5 years later i have found the man of my dreams and we are going on our ending our 4th year of togetherness even it is long distance and I have a good paying job that I love most days and I am taking courses online to get my bacholer's degree in Business Management. If you are not happy then it is affecting your son. Children might be angry for a while but they will see that mom and dad are much happier. I know you like living in your house but I lived in a 2 bedrrom apartment for 2 years their were 4 of us and then we moved to a 3 bedroom apartment and now I am renting a 4 bedrrom house. So it does get better and easier and yes it is scary at the beginning but I was able to do it and I have come out a stronger and happier woman.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 2:04pm

Thanks Lisa. Everyone tells me that he can sense that things aren't right at home. The bad part is DH has never "done" anything to make me not love him. My depression while in college, was the reason I stuck close to him. He comforted me, held me when I was on the verge of suicide, and loved me unconditionally. I was his first kiss, love, and sexual partner so I'm all he's ever known as well. However, I have a true love that I gave up to be with my DH. I gave him up because it's what everyone wanted of me. Sadly, he's no longer available although I know he's truely unhappy in his M as well but he stays because of his son. What a tangled mess we make of our lives.

I just don't know what to do first. I live in this small town of 2200. We both are teachers within the same school system so I have a job. However, the living arrangements just suck around here and I'm just scared to leave what I know is so comfortable right now. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 3:02pm
My Ex never really did anything for me to not love him either but I think if we are not in love with the person that makes a difference. I have never gotten butterflies with my ex but I do with my SO that I have now. I understand what you are saying I was there also but I did what i had to do to make Mom happy. If mom is not happy then nobody is happy.
It is scary but I did and if you are truly want to be happy you have be yourself here and try to decide what you want.

lisa j romesburg