how do i leave if i have nothing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
how do i leave if i have nothing?
8
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 7:00pm
I want to leave my husband, I am not happy and am tired of being more of a mommy than a wife. I have been thinking about this for months now, and can't find the way. I am a stay at home mom and have nothing to fall back on, especially now that I have a 6 months old son. I don't care about the house or the cars I can get all of that on my own, I just don't have the necessary funds to currently leave. Can anyone give me ideas, advice, or information on what they did to get out of an unhappy marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 7:02pm
Why are you his mommy? Is he abusive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:30pm

I am in the same situation - completely broke. I talked to a couple of close friends and they told me they would loan me the money for lawyers fees and for a deposit on an apartment. Is there anyone that could loan you money? It really hurts my pride, but it is better than staying in a bad place.

I also looked around and realized that I have one item of value that I can sell. I also opened a savings account and have been trying to filter money in that direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:29am

I was/am in basically the same situation. Except my H acts like he's my father instead of H and he is very controlling. He controls everything! Finances, property (all in his name only), religion (doesn't want me to go to the church I grew up in), how I spend my time, just everything. Anyway, I gritted my teeth until my son started kindergarten, I talked him into paying for me to go back to school for nursing (although since I've been officially accepted into the program there is a scholarship program I am applying for through the local hospital. He already has plans for MY salary ha ha), and I've been in school now for a year. It will take me two more years to get my degree. I'm doing it this way because I want to be able to walk away and be able to support myself and just tell him to keep his house, his furniture, and anything else. If I were to leave now he would have to sell the house to afford the child support and the legal battle that would ensue would be more than I want to put my son or myself through. He would make life much more miserable than he will when I just leave and he doesn't have to give up his precious possessions.

I also collect any of the loose change he throws around the house and save it up to deposit in my personal savings account. If he does give me cash for anything I try to skim a dollar or two off the top and deposit that too. It doesn't add up very quickly but it just makes me feel good like I'm doing something proactive.

Since your son is so young, is there any way that you could get a reliable family member to watch him while you either find a career or go back to school?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 12:32pm
Wow, your life is so hard I don't know how you have been able to go thru so much. You are a strong woman. I live away from family and I don't trust very many people especially with my sons (I also have a 6 year old). I take care of the finances, but there isn't much to take care of. I pay credit card after credit card, I payoff the balance and within the month they are up again. He doesn't tell me when he uses them or the checking account atm card. So I get a suprise every month...Good luck in school and I hope things get a little better for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:18pm

I am not sure that i understand "why" you want to leave. are you in a dangerous situation? is your husband abusive to you and/or your children? if so - then you just pick up your kids and go to a women's shelter and start over from there.

but if not, then you can plan your 'escape', start saving up money the best you can, figure out some kind of career that you can start training for now, etc.

I DID walk out with nothing, little more than than the clothing on our backs, because my exH (second husband) was (is!) a controlling abusive SOB and my son (not his son) was in such a bad way that he was suicidal and depressed, and i knew that i had to save both our lives, so yes - i picked up and walked out. and it's been hard, but thank God and a lot of good friends and guts and sweat, we are doing ok.

the question is ---- how bad is your marriage? what is going on? have you tried therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 9:06pm

You give me too much credit for strength! I have a dear cousin that is closer than a twin and I call her all the time. She is my real rock. She makes me laugh at my situation and look for humor in it. He's not a total jerk every day of the week, although lately it seems like he is. He sometimes shows me the side of him that I fell in love with and then I am caught off guard again when his controlling side comes out. Actually for the first year I was living with him it was really terrible because I used to be so strong willed and outspoken so when he insulted me or said something I didn't like then I spoke up about it. But we were having so many arguments and I detest arguing so I made up my mind to keep my mouth shut and try to just do what ever he wanted to keep him quiet. BIG MISTAKE. Yes, it did help keep us from arguing because he couldn't since I didn't talk back about it. But I think he lost even more respect me and life just got worse. I eventually felt dead inside and didn't even realize it. One day my cousin said, "I want my fun "my name" back! Where did she go?" About the same time a man that we've been aquainted with for years confessed that he had been in love with me for a long time and that he thought I was very attractive. Ironically I had felt the same way about him but wouldn't acknowledge it to myself because I was married. While this did not progress any further than the compliments it did make me realize that I was not the fat, unattractive woman that my H had convinced me I was. This was all at the beginning of last school year, so all these comments in addition to getting my grey cells active again with studying I began to get myself back. He's had some difficult confrontations lately with me because now I do let him know most of the time when he says something I don't like. Only this time around I'm better prepared to handle it in a way to get my point across calmly and quoting back things he's said so that he realizes what he said. In a very strange way I truly believe that he loves me to the extent that he's capable. That is the part that will make it difficult when I do leave but I also know that this is just the way he is and he really won't change. My love can't make him change. He is the way he is. And I cannot live with that for the rest of my life or subject my son to that too because he's already starting to say some of the hurtful things to him now too. I definitely talk to him about that!

Anyway, I still have days when all I want to do is cry. Usually it's Mondays because after spending the whole weekend with him I'm ready to breakdown. This weekend he's away so the house is rather peaceful.

Is there any way that you can cancel some of the credit cards and tell him that you are trying to improve your credit score? Maybe you can "make up" a long term goal that requires a good credit score, something that he would be interested in, so that he would be on board with you. I swear credit card debt is going to be the downfall of our nation! Good luck with your situation. Just try to come up with an exit plan and put things into motion to get you there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:54pm

Are you sure you're not just in a post partum funk? It took me over a year to feel ok after dd#2 was born.

If you really want to leave, I'd suggest starting by getting a job. You'll need to support yourself and your baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:18am
I wish I had a good suggestion for you. I worked full-time during my marriage, and I still barely got out by the skin of my teeth. I had a 401k and I was able to take out a loan against it. Without that, I truly had no other options. I had no money for a lawyer or a deposit on an apartment, and I did not have anyone I could borrow money from. Is there someone you can turn to for financial help temporarily?