How do I move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
How do I move on
7
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:58am

I am meeting with the lawyer for the first time in the morning and all I want to do is call him and beg him not to go. I have heard that he has OW but I dont want to believe it. I know that it is true but you know what they say about ignorance. We have been going thru this off and on for 3 years and I know that it is time to let go but how do I do it. My kids 10, 7, and 3 will be so much better off without having to worry about which dad is going to come home. I really believe that my STBX is bi-polar but that is another story.
He has already told me what he is willing to pay me and it is a good offer but what do I need to do about the future. I have been a sahm for the past 9 months and am not looking forward to leaving my baby to go back to work especially if I have to pay for daycare and that eats up more than I make. I dont know what to do, how can I want someone back who is having an affair , is mentally abusive and does not want to be with me? I am at a loss.
Please give me any advice on what to do to get him off my mind and get on with this divorce. My mind knows that it is for the best but how do I break that to my heart?

Thanks
Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: mommyhmh
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:29am

Hi Mary, I am so sorry. There are many women here on this board who are going through the same things. most arent up this late at night so hang on! Tomorrow will you will get feedback that can help you in your situation.
How to get over this? dontknow for sure. I am trying to do the same thing. I have found it helps to be away from him. He will be here for two weeks and I do much better when he is gone. We are divorced now and he loves another woman and plans to marry her.

Betrayal causes many many emotions and the pain can be almost unbearable. Maybe it will help you to know I married this man three times and he still is dumping me. 30 yrs of this.
Just try to analyze what still loving him could cost you. All situations are different.
Some women can handle the betrayal and take him back .....but it doesnt sound like they can ever trust them again

I know I look at my X in a very different way. He is a different man. the one I respected has become a liar and cheat.

Others will post soon who can help you more. Whatever you do get all you can as far as money goes. you gave him years of your life and he is leaving you. If you have been married at least 10 years you will be able to draw on his Social Security .....it does not take anything away from his. he will still get his full amount he wouldhave but if his half is amount he gets is more than yours then you draw on his.

You are entitled to alot of things. do not feel sorry for this man. you have kids to raise.
Mental abuse is so hard to live with but I found out in 30 years even with trying to get him to look at what he was doing it never worked. maybe for a few days or a week?
good luck to you . this may be a blessing in disguise but you have to talk to others who know and tell your story so you can look at this in the right colored glasses. Our heart does not look at things rationally. It is broken and so hard to look with our brains but somehow you just have to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: mommyhmh
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:36am
Hi. I just found out about OW about a month ago. Have gone through a range of emotions and basically done some stuff right and some stuff wrong. It really is like a death and all those stages. I was so wounded at first, just wanted time to turn back. The OW is a coworker (they are on the same shift), emailed her and asked her to change shifts...that we were happy not long ago and had small children - the skank did not reply. Luckilly, the dollars and sense side of my brain was still working and contacted a lawyer. He told me to move all our assets into my own name (I'm a SAHM mom and we sold our home in the fall when the market was still good, knowing we wanted to move and are with family at this time.) I met with the lawyer last week and we set in motion getting the jerk served with divorce papers and requesting child support/alimony. Started to get really angry, betrayed,indignant next. I'm pretty much still in that phase. Having trouble moving past that because, my husband is unrepentant and behaving like a real ass (took the OW on a ski vacation last week and we still share a bank account so, I see all his visits to restaurants and pubs...I hate that a-hole). I have spent alot of time looking up legal stuff and ways to make him pay. I have discoved that outside of getting the most money I can out of the situation (need two years of school to get a masters degree in education) that I am not suited for revenge and that he and the OW totally deserve eachother because, they are character flawed jerks anyway and they will not be happy in the long run becuase, as I said, they are messed-up.
Strangely, this weird peace came over me for a couple of hours yesterday, it was the first period of time, I could release myself from him and the betrayal. I let the feelings of rage in later on in the day a few times but, it was so comforting to know that the feeling had come at all. Some things that I am doing to help myself...yoga, school, family. Joined the best gym in town and am going to try talking to some people. I recently moved about an hour away from where I was living before and don't really know anyone. My family is here, which is a lifesaver, and I know a few other SAHM's from school but, I need some single friends. I think that will help alot. Good luck to you, I do think things will get better, just get a really positive plan and fouc on it. Make lists for long term and short term goals so, you are focused and feeling accomplishment. I dealt with emotional abuse too and, I am really excited to be breaking free from that. When I told my 8 year old son about the divorce one of the first things he said was "at least daddy won't yell at you anymore". What a wise little guy, I had to agree with him there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: mommyhmh
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:07pm

Thanks so much for your replys. I went to the lawyer this am and basically the ball is in his court. He was supposed to have his proposal at the office of course it wasnt. My girls 10 and 7 will be much happier once he is gone. my 3 year old however is having a hard time adjusting to his daddy being gone. I keep hearing from his sweet little mouth that daddy is mean and how bad to I want to say yes he is. But I am trying to be positive but when I am this angry boy is it hard. I had a really bad night last night full blown panic attack and everything. But we are making it I feel more at peace after finding out what I can and cant do. I have checked into going back to school to get recertified to teach and it is only going to take 3 classes, so I am going to do that this summer and hopefully can do some sub-ing and get my foot in the door to the school system. Oh well I know everything happens for a reason and I hope that I can move on SOON

Thanks Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: mommyhmh
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:46pm
awwww, Mary! You sound so much more clear headed in your last post (except for the panic attack). So glad. I know it is terrible, I really, really know. What a rollercoaster. Just 3 classes, that is awesome. I, too, am subbing. I take a cover letter and resume with me to each new job. That way they have your sub id number and a name to remember. Regarding the panic attack...so sorry that happened. Try some yoga or something, maybe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: mommyhmh
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:48pm

I am once again so mad. He is after me again. I did my research on what he would have to pay if I do go back to work and he is not going to do that. I have a feeling that he will do something irrational like quit his job etc if I push the issue. I dont want to drag this out for 15 to 18 months that it will take to go to court. then he actually called me and said Hey do you need any money? No, moron you just took my name off the bank account and left me with nothing. I got a phone call that the mortgage company has not recieved the house payment and neither has the bank that has the loan on the van.
I think that the worst part is that I would stop this all and take him back. kNowing that he may have cheated, he is denying it totally, that my family hates him, and that I can go back to a life of verbal abuse. So I will be strong, I will not take him back, I will do what is besf for the kids and I will get everything I need to take care of them for him. I keep telling myself that over and over. When do you think I will believe it.
By the way he is now pulling that my lawyer needs to call his lawyer etc. Just running up my bill. Oh well time will only tell what happens.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: mommyhmh
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 4:45pm

yikes, not so good. so sorry. what a freaking punk. better call the mortagage company and see what they can do? have your lawer speak to his lawyer about paying the mortgage, maybe? keep your eye on the prize...don't take him back, I was also emotionally abused and am so glad that my stbxh doesn't have that power over me anymore. in that aspect, I am already free! once the legal ball is rolling, so are you...once a little more time passes and you feel that fresh cool breeze of freedom on your face, maybe you will believe.

regarding teaching - call your community college. they may have one of the classes you need as a minimester this spring. I mangaged to slide into one that starts in mid-march.

I am planning on hitting garrage sales this spring for stuff to sale on ebay, figure that might bring in some $$. just an idea as, obvously money is going to be tight for both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
In reply to: mommyhmh
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 2:58pm

Hi Mary. I am new here and was doing a search on "moving on" when this post came up. I know it is an old one but it hit so close to home. I too have 3 children and after 8 years of marriage he decided it wasn't what he wanted anymore. Now we are argueing about all of the legal stuff...money, child support, the house, etc and it is so emotionally draining.

Anyway, I know I will make it through and I just wondered how you were doing now? It has been a while since you posted. Are you back with your husband and trying to make things work or have you moved forward with your divorce? I guess I'm kinda hoping that you are working things out because that would give me some hope.

Jan