How do I move forward?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
How do I move forward?
10
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:02am

Hi everyone,

I need a little vent time. I have spent a lot of time doing personal reflection and trying to come to terms with the fact that our marriage is over. I break down and cry and scream and rant like a crazy person (to myself or my journal) and then feel better (or at least too exhausted to be overwrought). And I figure that is healthy and that I'm mouring that part of the relationship-whatever it may be that day-and then I'll be able to move past that bit. Not happening!!!!

I seem to keep coming up against the same questions over and over again, and going over the same things in my head! Why wasn't I enough? Did he do all his "figuring out" on me and will now be healthy and fantastic for his next relationship? Does he miss me? Why is this so easy for him? What did I actually mean to him? What if...? What if...? To quote Fiona Apple "I'm tired of why's, choking on why's, I just need a little because."

And I keep thinking about all the things we planned that we'll never get to do-like the trip to Ireland and painting the bedroom wall cranberry. And all the holidays we won't spend together. And stupid little things that he used to do that I loved-like surprising me with a foot massage or cooking my best friend and her husband their favorite meal without me even having to ask him to. (Not that anything remotely like that has happened in years, but I was always living with the possibly that it might!) I just don't feel like I'm moving forward! It's so frustrating!!!!

Saw STBX day before yesterday to finish working out all the money stuff. We are generally friendly (I'm very thankful for that) but seeing him brought it all back and I cried and screamed and ranted all over again--this time at him. I want answers and he doesn't seem to have any.

I have thought about leaving for a long time, I wasn't happy for a long time. Why is it so hard now? Why can't I let go? Why can't I move forward?

Thanks for letting me get this all out. Sorry for the long e-mail. Anyone got a good way to help with letting go and moving forward?

xoxoxo

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:07am
I don't have the answers, but just wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you - feeling like I could have written your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:13am

HUGS! I know how you feel. Even though I was done with the marriage for a long time, I still went through a period where I thought about the good times we had, and felt sad about the things we would never experience together. No more family vacations, no more parties together, etc. But then, when I really thought about it, those fun times were very few and far in between. The day-to-day life was incredibly painful. So I decided I would hold on to the good memories, and allow myself to feel sad about the marriage ending. At the same time, I would make a list of ways my life would improve now that the marriage was going to end.

Trust me, time WILL heal this. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but it will. You are moving forward, more than you think. Be patient and kind to yourself. In three months, you'll look back at your journal and be amazed at how far you've come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:08pm

Frankly scarlet777....(everybody on the board already knows the rest of the quote from GWTW)...

Pianoguy would like to suggest that you focus on YOUR ACTUAL FUTURE while you make an attempt to remove the "we were supposed to do these things together" check list from your head!

If you can convince yourself to realize that NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP (including the one you were in) WILL LAST INDEFINITELY---making the transition might be easier?

Here's hoping???

Pianoguy

(who spent a few lonely years making the adjustment, but came out much healthier for it)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:10pm

I too could have written your post... i was in a 16 year relationship (10 of those we were married), spent half my life with this man... and it was a good life... no emotional or physical distress, we were close, we had fun together... then he suddenlty wanted out and has never really provided me with the reasons why... i thought i needed those answers for a long time... it's taken over a year for me to realize that i don't need to know anymore...it doesn't matter... i realized that have to be ok for me and have made peace with never really knowing why we split up...

it will take time and lots more tears... (i still cry although not every day now.... today i did because our house was sold and the closing is today...it's just a house... but at one time we were happy there and it was our HOME.. UGH) anyway, it takes time to get through the grieving period, the anger, the bitterness... eventually you forgive but only when you are ready... and don't do it for him... do it for YOU... forgiveness is not about the other person nor does it condone their actions.... but it does help calm your soul....

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:15pm

One other thing to remember... i heard this on Oprah... you have to let yourself feel how you are feeling for as long as you need to... don't try to force it to go away or think you'll be ok overnight..... it's taken me a LONG time to realize that i was trying to get over it as fast as he seemed to... i've learned to just "be" and whatever happens, happens.... in the meantime... i go on with my life one day at a time... and can't wait for the day i wake up and he's not the first person on my mind.......

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:42pm
Sweetheart, Hugs! I am sorry you are going through this. I can tell you it will get better, but that it will take time. I too am mourning the loss of that life. For me it has been a year since my nightmare began. You don't feel like you are moving, but one day you will wake up and find that suprisingly you have moved. Life requires forward progress even if it's just a little bit. Life seem to take that progress even if you don't know or see it. I thought I would die. Somedays I still feel like I am going to die. All your grieving is forward progress. Take each day as it comes. Don't try to tackle tomorrow. I still love my ex. I still greive for the what if's. I still try to figure out ways to make him come home. I am also moving. I didn't think I ever would. It has taken along time to get to where I am at. (At a stage that I know I will survive with or without him). Most of the time I didn't even know it. I am not great, but I am better. My best advice to you is take it one day at a time (one minute if that's all you can handle) and take care of you. Get plenty of rest. It's OK to cry and scream out. I still do it when the boys aren't around. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 3:06am

I've been divorced for nearly 6 years, and life couldn't be better.

You'll get past this. We've all been through it, and we'll all get
past it. It's perfectly healthy to feel all of the emotions that
you're feeling. I've written about my divorce experiences
(debbieburgin.blogspot.com), which include all of the thoughts
and feelings that you're going through).

Once you're past this, you'll be better than you were with him.
Scream if you have to, cry if you want to, but please, remember
that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Be good!

db

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 9:00pm
I understand your pain and hugs to you! I keep going back to the advice one of my high school friends gave me....when she was trying to get over her boyfriend she would think about him while going to the bathroom! Worked like a charm!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 8:59am

You have been given some good advice by the ladies on this board. I remember very well all the feelings you are experiencing. It hurts, and I think it's particularly hard when you had a good relationship overall, were really goood friends, and you have a hard time answering the "why" question. Like another poster said, you may never know why. If it's clear it's over, it doesn't really matter. You need to deal with the reality that IS. And believe me, I know that's a hard pill to swallow. The best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself today as you would your 5 year old self if that 5 year old was going through it (I actually took out and framed a picture of my 5 year old self to remind myself of this). You would be gentle to your 5 yo self, you would let her cry, scream, and talk it out. You would take her for ice cream, let her stay in her jammies all day, you would do whatever you could to lighten her spirits in whatever little ways you could do that. This is a time to be selfish. Think about what YOU want each moment. If you need to cry, cry. Need to scream? Do it. The only way to get past the pain is to walk through it. You are going to continue to experience these feelings for a while- it's totally normal. Give yourself a break. One thing I used to tell myself when I would get overwhelmed is that I didn't need to have all the answers TODAY. I had to just do what I could handle day by day. I was fairly emotionally wrecked for a while, but I just allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, spoiled myself when I felt down, got my butt off the couch and went out with friends when I could stomach it, and little by little, I got through. The funny thing was, I realized that it was at the same time the hardest, most challenging period of my life, and yet the most amazing in terms of growth, what I learned about life and love, and happiness. It was a period of excitement too, (even though I was VERY against the divorce, when I realized it was inevitable, I also realized I had my whole life ahead of me and it was suddenly going in a very different path and I could choose where it would take me- very empowering. I refused to let HIM take me down), and I had more fun in this period than I did in the previous 10 years. It's very hard to describe to someone who hasn't been there how it can be so awful, and so wonderful at the same time. Mind you, this guy was my best friend, we had no big arguments, loved eachother, got along with eachother's families, did well financially- everything indicated we SHOULD have stayed together (I thought
"this CAN'T be! Divorce is for people who are dealing with abuse, alcoholism, affairs....I had the naive notion that divorce was for THOSE people or simply for people who didn't love eachother enough. We loved eachother...this couldn't be happening to US!"). But he left. I decided I could wallow in that forever, or let that motivate me to get out there and do even better next time around.

All that reflection you are doing will help you greatly in your future. I am so much wiser than I was when I married, and in every way, I am a better person for the divorce. It softened me at the same time it made me realize my strength. Who knew I would EVER be able to say it was a good thing. But it was. I know that when you're in it, it can seem like it will never get better. For me, it took a full two years AFTER the divorce was final to truly be OK and happy again. It's different for everyone, and damned frustrating when you just want to be DONE with it, but you will get there when the time is right for you. There will come a time when you no longer think of him first thing when you wake up, and last thing before you go to bed (I remember hoping fervently this day would come SOON and one day I just realized it had happened). The memories will pop up less often, the anniversaries get easier, and he works his way into your past and out of your present, and you find that you are ok with it. There will finally be days when you don't think of him at all. And there will come a time when you stop asking why and accept what is and realize that even if it seemed like a total disaster at the time, you are better for having been through it and it WAS for the best. When I wake up now, I don't immediately feel the pain of his absence. I actually feel good in my own skin again, and I feel complete without him. When I think of him, I remember the good times and the love we shared, and I wish him well in his life. I am sure he thinks of me too, and I hope it is with fondness and love, but I don't need to know either way. *I* am happy, I did the hard work to heal and I am SO damned grateful for the lessons learned (even though at times I wanted to scream "I have learned enough, dammit, I want some peace!). I feel for you in this painful transition time because I know how heart wrenching it is, but if you think about it, I'm sure you have had a glimpse (even if it's only temporary) of the possibilities that await you, of the strength you possess, of the wonderful qualities that make it impossible to believe you won't find happiness again. You will get there. Just take it one day at a time. The sun eventually appears after the storm.

Hang in there.

Michelle




Edited 3/19/2006 10:10 am ET by michelle76nj
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 11:18am

i was very happy to leave my ex. he was a horrible, abusive disgusting controlling sob. but it was still a difficult thing to do - to leave the 'marriage' - i wanted to 'be married' (just not to him lol). i was scared - there were money issues, etc. but i took it one day at a time, i made sure to make time for ME, to do things for me, even if they were little things. i vented ALOT to my friends (and on this board!!). i made sure to exercise ALOT, and i make sure to eat healthy foods.

there is no magic potion - but i assure you that you WILL get past this, it just takes some time.