How do I stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
How do I stop?
6
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:21pm
How do I stop thinking about the fact that although my stbx says he left me because he wasn't happy in the marriage he already has a 23 year old girlfriend (he's 37). A little background, he was apparently emailing her and flirting with her in December 2006. He told me about his decision to end the marriage in January 2007. I call this cheating (of course he doesn't think of it that way because he didn't sleep with her - whatever). He apparently stopped seeing her out of respect for me while he was still living here (what a joke - thanks for your respect). Since he moved out in the middle of March he is back "dating" her or whatever the heck it is they do. I try so hard not to think about this relationship but it hurts so much. I know in the end I will be better off without him but I can't stop thinking about this 23 year old GIRL who had the nerve to flirt with a married man knowing we had been married for 11 years and just had our second daughter in August 2006. I just don't get how either of them could do this to me. I wish I could be around the day that she is married and has kids and her husband (probably my stbxh!) starts flirting with a girl at work and see how she feels. How do I make this horrible pain stop? It just keeps creeping into my mind when I least expect it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:49pm

Sweetie, don't think about it. It makes all of us sick with pain and agony, but it isn't worth a penny!!!
Why is he already dating? because he is incapable to see himself in a mirror, unless a bimbo holds it up for him. Sad huh? he needs another person to feel important... and there are plenty of silly girls finding these guys soooo attractive!!!

It isn't a matter of cheating or not. It is a matter of self-confidence. Obviously he needed it, before being brave enough to take a step out of your way... you don't really someone like this around, nobody does.

What is in it for her? this is making her feel stronger, better than someone else. She has the feeling of being the better one, of having "won the prize"... she will figure out the prize in due time, as you say...

Somedays I want to cross-stich the proverb: If you sit on the riverside long enough,
the body of your enemy will float by. But I am sure that this is what will happen, and when it will, I will be watching. In the meanwhile, I will have a life for myself, alone or with someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 5:57pm

i understand your pain, i truly, truly do. my ex preached about *integrity*, *fidelity*, *trust*, etc., but in the end, he started seeing someone while we were still legally married, and this woman had NO problem dating a married man, laying up with him the first time he meets his mother, in the same home that his mother AND children lived. AND they both have absolutely NO problem laying up with each other in front of their own children: my DSs and her (skank GF's 20-year-old daughter). how lovely that i got divorced based on two antiquated statements i said, not that ex was even interested WHY i made those statements, but he's more than comfortable dating and getting with a woman who has NO regard for marriage, and to role model to her daughter to say: yes, it's perfectly ok to date a married man BEFORE he finalizes his divorce, but it's also perfectly fine to lay up with him in his mother's home (the first time you meet her) and lay up with him around his young children!!!

sooo, i echo, that there are countless skanks who are MORE than happy, willing, and desperate enough to take these men and embrace them without expectations, just to think that they "won" some type of prize. but in essence, they have not because their behaviors, their poor decisions, their narcassism, their control issues, their selfishness, etc., DO NOT change, these deplorable characteristics just move to a new zip code and a new "warm place to put it." ... until that warm place turns cold & ugly.

refocus your energy on YOU and your children. YOU be the unwavering example of courage, character, and conscience ... you be the positive memory for your children, as they recall, when they are adults, how their parents behaved themselves while they were going through a challenging time of separation & divorce, because believe me, THEY will remember!

i could NEVER imagine laying up with anybody in the presence of my sons, especially, if i'm still *legally* married. and guess what, they already know that and applaud me for my integrity! (so, it's a great feeling taking the high road!).

i know if feels gut-wretching, the pain, the rejection, all the time and energy you put into a marriage, doing all the right things as a mother and a wife, to it to come down to this?! but you cannot believe and embrace someone's worst review (your stbx) of you, because it's not who you are, it's who you are to HIM, because it lessens his conscience (for now). believe me, he will be left to live with his ghost of treating you with such disrespect and disregard.

again, stay focused, endeavor to move forward, no matter how difficult. reprogram the tapes in your head when jealousy and anger and bitterness creep in: replace them with the value YOU bring to this world, and eventually with a special person who will treat YOU according to the best person you are. believe me, you are NOT in competition with a woman who'd date a married man with children because those types of women are desperate, have no respect for other women, possess low self-esteem, see men as a way to validate themselves, no matter what their circumstances, and basically have no expectations for their own lives. it's just a shame that THESE skanks will be around and in many cases participants in rearing our children!! but that's where WE come in as strong Moms!

Be strong and remember: *The stone that the builder rejected has NOW become the cornerstone* ... shine as a beautiful *cornerstone* ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:19pm

Wow, thank you both so much. You both said exactly what I needed to hear. I know that I am better than this. I know that I have more character and integrity in my little finger than my stbxh and that little twit have combined. I am definitely going to take your advice and just realize that I am great and this is his loss and one day they will both get what is coming to them. I'd like to be there when they do but if I'm not just knowing that it will happen will be good enough!

Thank you again. I actually stopped the tears and put a big smile on my face. I'm going to go focus on being the best mom and person possible. Screw them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:17pm
Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee unhappiness and misery for both the stbxh and the twit. Ok, maybe crystal balls don't work, but statistics and pure logic do point in that direction. You get back whatever you dish out, or what goes around comes around. I have seen it happen, even if it started out looking like the perfect thing. Take my step father for example. He was dating his secretary for a year or two before the cat came out of the bag and then ended up running off with her to remarry. It took approximately 15 years later that word got back to me about the happy family. Something about how she was attacking him with knives. They divorced in a very ugly divorce, with two children that were described by his own family as little demons. He's a very lonely and saur man now. I'd say what he sent around came back to bite him in the rear. And so it usually goes. I don't give much thought about x and the tart he picked up about a year before divorcing. I don't have much information at the moment, but I am quite certain that if she hasn't already dumped him by now, she certainly will later. And she certainly didn't win any prize when she chose him. I very much like what the first poster said. Just keep watching the river.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 5:30am
Just remember it's HIM not you. We women tend to think of ourselves as failures if our marriages fail. You didn't fail. He did. He, obviously, failed to keep his vow. Try to look at him as having betrayed you. Which is what he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 11:40am

I am sorry for your pain.

What your husband did is inexcuseable. He is weak, stupid and cruel.

"Feeling the pain" is actually a good thing -- this is how you process grief.

As for your husband, have no doubts -- this will reverberate back to him and it won't be pretty.