How do I stop this?
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| Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:21pm |
He's hurting the kids, but he claims it's all my fault. I'm so disgusted by his behaviour- I can't believe it.
MY STBX is still insisting that he come over to "play" with the kids (2 & 4)when they are with me. I don't want him in my new home, so I told him he can take them out for a playdate. But the kids have become accustomed to going with him for a few days when he comes and it upsets them when he takes them for a few hours and then leaves. I told him that I don't think it's a good idea to continue with that any more if the kids are upset by it and his response was "they'll get used to it". He has them 3, sometimes 4 nights a week, so there are very few days when he doesn't see them. When they are with me they settle nicely, are happy, and don't even ask about where he is. I'm not saying they don't love their dad, nor that they don't need to be with him, but they also need some settled time with me.
The problem is that I cave in whenever he starts making demands. He had the kids Friday, Saturday night, Sunday he brought them to my place and stayed until they went to bed. Monday he came over first thing in the morning and then took them to his parents' house for the day and I picked them up at dinnertime to visit with my family. Tuesday he wantd to come visit them. We had the discussion about how it affects the kids when he only takes them for a few hours but he persisted. So, to appease him and get out of the conflict cycle, I said "Fine, I'd rather you take them for the night and not have them upset than take them only for a few hours and upset them". But, they didn't want to go with him because they had hardly seen me since lasat week. They cried and carried on when he came to get them. So he forced them to go and then said "I hope you're happy, because i never wanted this".
This overbearing need he has to be with the kids every day is not about the kids, it's about him and his ego. And I am so spineless in the face of all of the abuse and torment I've dealt with from him that I let this behaviour continue. I know someone else has been in the same position. Please, give me some advice as to how to manage this!

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Do you have a specific visitation schedule set? If I remember correctly he was the one who told you he intended on coming over every night from 4-8, and threatened to not allow you to leave in the first place, right? You need to set a very specific schedule, and tell him that these are the times when he may see them. He's simply pulling the bs on you that he said he would. Set the schedule, tell him if he shows up at your door when it is not his time that you will call the police and have him removed. Do not open the door. This man is trying to continue controlling the situation.
Lay down the law. I suspect it will only take once for you to follow through with calling the police for him to behave himself. he has no right to invite himself into your home and determine on a whim when he sees the kids.
Yes, you are recalling my situation correctly. We don't have a set schedule. I have suggested one- the kids go with him Friday-Sunday and Tuesday nights, but he says "We'll deal with that later". I can't force him to sign the agreement, so I presume the lawyers will have to get involved.
Unfortunately, the impetus is on me to be firm and I'm really, really bad at it. But I know you are right and I will have to try again to get him to agree to something and get it in writing. I'm sure that even if it is in writing, he will still be pressing the issue of wanting to come over to "play". (rolleyes)
Well, I hope that you are keeping track of the times that he is seeing them.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Karen said that he is legally able to take the kids 50% of the time since there is nothing in writing yet. Since he doesn't want to bother with a schedule yet, make a 50-50 schedule on your own and tell him his days. Do not allow "play dates" on your time. It isn't fair to you to have to see him barging in to your home almost every day.
I'm very serious about not answering the door and simply calling the police. You had the courage to leave even though you were frightened of what he might do. You have to gather up your courage again and show him you will not be controlled any longer. Go see your lawyer and get the visitation in writing, NOW. Issues regarding the kids need to be addressed early. Also be sure to include how you will work holidays. It's nonsense that he had the kids the whole weekend up until Christmas Eve and then took then again on Christmas Day. The kids need time with both of you. Call your lawyer and get this straightened out immediately. In the meantime, give him 50% and don't answer the door if he shows up on your time.
Well, just short of attorney intervention, being unavailable is the best option if you want "your time".
Aside from that, I suspect that his newfound fatherhood will relate to his thought process in the amount of child support that he won't have to pay if he's Mr. Dad of The Year, which we knew as smart ones that this whole thought process is misguided.
So... let him be super dad when you can... "oh THANK YOU SO MUCH for spending time with them" "oh, can you take the kids tomorrow, I'm busy"... I mean, act like he's doing you a supreme favor each and every time he takes them.
I flip flopped from the "oh thank you.... for seeing them" to "Oh thank you for letting me have more time with them".
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Karen , why are you always so darn RIGHT?
His newfound thrill with fatherhood would surely lose momentum if she started behaving as if she enjoyed the time he spends with the kids. I actually chuckled thinking of the confusion he would experience if she smilingly thanked him for taking the kids so she could run errands, etc.
I suspect that the super dad act will wear off in time. But that again bothers me because the kids are supposed to get used to him wanting so much time with them and then get used to it again when he finds something else to do. It's really sad when you look at the person you once loved and planned on spending a life with and think "I can't wait until you find a girlfriend so you can leave me alone". (how bitter is that??)
Thanks for the advice. Reading what you all have to say always gives me a sense of clarity.
I'm sorry if I came off thinking you should play mind games. That's not what I meant. :-(
I do understand how frustrating all of this must be. As far as a gf goes, don't wish for that. You'd be surprised how many men get a gf and then decide the kids simply must meet and be around her. Yes, he'll be distracted from you for sure, but many times you get much more than you bargained for. For me personally my ex behaving as if his gf is my children's new mommy was the worst thing he could have done.
No, you didn't come off as though you thought I should play mind games. But I did get the point that rather than dealing with this situation the way I am conditioned to, I have to be more conscious of what I say and do and control my reactions to be sure that they aren't enabling or rewarding this behaviour.
Your point about the gf is totally valid. It has certainly crossed my mind that he will try to present a new woman as the new mommy. I always hope that his choices will be smarter than that, but my hope is in turn not very smart when assessing the track record. I guess I'll cross that bridge whenI get to it. But for now it's the thought of him loosening his chokehold on me and the kids that is so incredibly appealing.
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