How do I stop this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
How do I stop this?
12
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:21pm

He's hurting the kids, but he claims it's all my fault. I'm so disgusted by his behaviour- I can't believe it.

MY STBX is still insisting that he come over to "play" with the kids (2 & 4)when they are with me. I don't want him in my new home, so I told him he can take them out for a playdate. But the kids have become accustomed to going with him for a few days when he comes and it upsets them when he takes them for a few hours and then leaves. I told him that I don't think it's a good idea to continue with that any more if the kids are upset by it and his response was "they'll get used to it". He has them 3, sometimes 4 nights a week, so there are very few days when he doesn't see them. When they are with me they settle nicely, are happy, and don't even ask about where he is. I'm not saying they don't love their dad, nor that they don't need to be with him, but they also need some settled time with me.

The problem is that I cave in whenever he starts making demands. He had the kids Friday, Saturday night, Sunday he brought them to my place and stayed until they went to bed. Monday he came over first thing in the morning and then took them to his parents' house for the day and I picked them up at dinnertime to visit with my family. Tuesday he wantd to come visit them. We had the discussion about how it affects the kids when he only takes them for a few hours but he persisted. So, to appease him and get out of the conflict cycle, I said "Fine, I'd rather you take them for the night and not have them upset than take them only for a few hours and upset them". But, they didn't want to go with him because they had hardly seen me since lasat week. They cried and carried on when he came to get them. So he forced them to go and then said "I hope you're happy, because i never wanted this".

This overbearing need he has to be with the kids every day is not about the kids, it's about him and his ego. And I am so spineless in the face of all of the abuse and torment I've dealt with from him that I let this behaviour continue. I know someone else has been in the same position. Please, give me some advice as to how to manage this!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 3:29am
Even though my H has the OW now and he is madly in love..........and Iam broken and devastated there were times in our marriage when I wished he would find someone else .
he was verbally and emotionally abusive all those years. but now that it has happened I am crushed . but I think the reason we actually ever wish they had another woman is so we can get out of our daily pain without worrying about who is taking care of him now or being his woman you know?
I have been acting like a horrible person and he often times looks at me with the worst hate. but I have been so angry and broken. maybe he looks at me with hate because I am here and she is far away and blah blah.
dont feel bad about wishing they had a gf even though you love him.......its maybe the only way they ever will let us go and perhaps get out of their control and have a new life. and besides I think this is what it took for me to want out now even though I love him. I cannot and will not be close to him now that he loves and admires her and not me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:56am

I understand your wish to just be free from him, and I hope you are able to accomplish that very soon. You are a strong woman. You were able to leave that house even when he was threatening to stop you. You CAN get your life under control.

Good luck in the next few weeks. I hope you are able to make some progress. Go do the things you'd like with your kids. And, like Karen said, not being available can help reduce confrontations. How can he control a woman who isn't even home? :-)

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