How do I stop the tears?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2007
How do I stop the tears?
2
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 4:45pm
I have been separated exactly 8 days. I have been married for 18 years and I have 3 children. Their ages are 17, 14 and 10. Part of the reason for the breakup was that we just can't get along. There was always fighting about the stupidest things. My husband had slept on the couch for the past 2 years (give or take a month or two). I tried talking to him to let him know that this is not the marriage I wanted or that I wanted my kids to think was "ok". My self-esteem is next to zero and it has been for a while. I work with some wonderful people who have told me over and over that I deserve better than this relationship. I thought and cried and read self-help books and I finally realized that I DO need to work on making ME happy for a change. I have always been the one that tried to make everyone happy. At work, my kids school, family, husband - I would give in just to keep the peace. I finally realized that, at 38, it's time for me to make me happy. I started my letting my husband know in May that I was not happy in this marriage (not the first time I had told him this). He did nothing to change his ways or attitude. I feel like he wanted me to leave but he didn't want to be the first to say it. In June, I told him that I thought our marriage was not going to work with only one person trying to keep it together. He agreed. No fights. No anger. Just agreement. I actually stayed there until just last week. My problem is, I can't stop the tears. We have agreed on everything so far. But I am not. I know leaving was the right thing to do. But I went straight from "Mama's" house to being married at 20 years old. Now, I'm on my own. I cty over the least thing and I just can't figure it out. I have even at times questioned whether I was being "selfish" for leaving and should I have stayed "for the kids". The children, so far-and I know it has only been a week, are adjusting very well. They have even told me that they like the peacefulness of my new home. Next week will be my first week without my kids. We agreed that the kids would stay with me and then they would stay with my husband. The kids are happy with this. I just can't seem to get over these feelings. A friend told me that I have answered to someone my whole life and now I answer to myself. If I want to go to the movies with my friends, I can. If I want to go to the mall, I can. I guess it is hard to realize this and actually do it. I guess I really want to know if this is normal? Is it normal to question your decision? This is a decision that has been thought about for at least a year and a half. I feel like someone has died. I feel like I will be alone forever and at 38, that's a long time. Not that I am even thinking of that right now. Just that's how I feel about myself. I have all these people telling me all these good things about me and I think they are lying. I can't eat ( I've lost 20 lbs in about a month) and I can't sleep. I think if I just knew this was "normal"-whatever that is-then maybe I can get past it. I just want peace. I welcome any advice or comments. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 8:06pm

I kinda of understand what you are going through. My husband of 16 years (18 years together) told me it was time for me to leave just over 2 months ago. I really had no warning signs though. He would somewhat complain about not getting enough sex. I worked like he did, but then I came home to fix dinner, do laundry, clean the house and we have 2 teenage boys to keep up with. Then come to find out he was going back to his ex fiance from 18 years ago. He still claims that I go pregnant on purpose. But that's a whole other story. Well, he has completely moved on even before I moved out. We are and will continue to be best friends because that's what we've been more of for the last few months or year anyway. But it still hurts. I've been on xanax by the recommendation from my counselor (which I suggest you see even if it was your choice). I still drive down the highway bawling my eyes out. But I know it's for the best that this happened. For many reasons.

If you ever want to, you can email me at brkn_bttrfly@yahoo.com. I don't have any friends to talk to except my sister in law who has become my best friend but she is have personal problems of her own right now so I hate to bother her.

Many many hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 11:58am
Thank you so much for your words. I will email you. I don't have anyone to talk to that understands how I feel. It's a feeling that is so hard to describe. This week, the kids are with their Daddy so this is the first time I have been without them. My fear of "Did I do the right thing?" is getting better. I was afraid after I left that it was the wrong thing to do, but I know now that it is the right thing to do. My kids are calmer and happier. I have talked to them about this and they were tired of the fussing and the tension and everything else. But its still a hard thing. I have friends that keep telling me that it will all get better. My husband and I both know that what we did was for the best. We know we should not be married. There are many times during our marriage that I could have gotten a divorce and it would have been no fault of my own. I always chose to stay and try to make our marriage work. I find it ironic that now that our "chaotic" days are gone that we have decided to end the marriage. I am getting better in the fact that I am making my place, my "home". I know that once I get completely settled, I need to completely focus on me. I haven't focused on me for a long time. It has always, and still is, my kids that I focus on. I now have to learn that it is ok to think about me. My kids won't be with me forever, I know that. I think I will try to find a counseler. I think that may be what I need to try to find me after 18 years of being wife, mother, cook, housecleaner, dog care-taker, taxi0driver, cheerleading teammom, grade-mom, sister, aunt, daughter, a sometimes lover, best friend.....................the list could go on and on.