how do I tell him?
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| Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:00pm |
My hubby and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6. We've had our "ups and downs" in the past, but there is so much that has never been resolved. He has never been abusive in anyway, that is unless you count selfishness as being abusive. However, he is quite the manipulator! He definately was a mamma's boy, which I didn't mind really-I actually like his family. I honestly think it's going to be harder to walk away from them.
Earlier this year (this year has been especially hard) we "got into it" and I was able to get him to admit that he was unhapppy-or as he put it: "I've been praying for some sort of accident to kill me and end it all." Then, the very next day (of course nothing was solved-we both agreed that we were unhappy, and I told him I wanted to end this relationship and go our seperate ways) he acts as if nothing happened! Like everything was normal and great between us! How can that be?! I can't pretend that nothing's happened! Is it just me?! So, from there many months pass, still not talking about it and (IMO) growing further apart... Until the day he looses his job beginning of Nov, and decides to stay jobless until January-leaving me as the sole provider-which I DO NOT make enough for that even though I have 3 jobs-1 full and 2 part time.
Recently, I recalled a memory (hubby actually reminded me) from about 8 years ago-I broke up with hubby while we were dating-but he NEVER left! Now, that's not only thing... When he reminded me of that (I had finally gotten him to talk** relationship for once) I asked him "why in the world would you stay after your girlfriend just told you she didn't want to be with you anymore?" to that he replied "Cause I didn't want to be without you". I was flaberghasted! How selfish to stay when someone tells you to go! Since I have no actual memory of this time period, I really have no idea how I ended up married to him. I sat for a moment, taking it all in, trying so hard to remember-still can't remember. So from there I have been anaylizing everything. And have come to the conclusion that he is the single most selfish person I have ever known! Not once has he done anything for another person without being told what to do. I am turning into a nag because of him. I had to nag him to call for unemployment. He sits home all day doing nothing!! Nothing! I go to my 9-5, come home change and head right back out again. Plus I have a weekend only job. Needless to say, him not having a job has brought MORE resentment to the pile. And he actually seems surprised that I don't want to be intimate with him. He is in such denial. All of this that I have said here I have said to him, yet nothing has changed-he continues to act as is "we" are fine. I just want out at this point, there is no fix.
My real dilema is HOW to tell him? I tried once back in June, hell, for that matter I tried 8 years ago! Do I go and file and just wait for the papers to show up? I just don't know. And I know he's going to feel so blind-sided by this because of his denial. I really hate being the bad guy, but I think it's time I was a little selfish.
Thanks for letting me vent!
**by talk I mean argue

I'm sorry you are going through such "hell". It sounds so miserable and yet so familiar. I was in a very bad marriage. And my ex was in total denial as well. He thought everything was "hunky dorey". I thought it sucked. And every time I said that all I could see as an alternative was divorce, he treated it as an idle threat. We would argue and the next day he too would act as if nothing had happened. I kept telling him I would divorce him and all he would say was, "Oh here we go again, yeah, yeah, yeah. So.........I drafted a letter to him, on my dad's advice. First I told him I was releasing him from his commitment to me and hoped he would do the same for me. I then proceeded to tell him how I felt when we first met and how I thought I'd met my soulmate that I was meant to be with forever. Then I reminded him of all the promises he had made to me that never came to be. I told him that I had seen so much anger that he held inside himself. He had a short fuse and the littlest things would set him off. At this point I brought up examples of the anger he displayed. He was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. He made me feel so low and my ego was beat down to nothing. Then......one day I woke up, I told him. I realized it wasn't my fault. And that's when I truly realized we no longer had a marriage. It was so bad in the end that he would not even tell me any more that he loved me or show it in any way. He wouldn't make love, hold my hand, nothing. Kissing me felt like it was forced on his part. And he would blame me for everything that went wrong. I had to escape. And I finally did.
So, in answer to your question on how to tell him, try a letter. That's so he won't be completely blind-sided. It was meant to soften the blow. And what I did was file for divorce on a Sat. (Oct. 1st). My lawyer told me he would be served with the papers the next week. So, I gave him the letter on the following Monday and he was served on Wed. night that same week. I spent that night at my parents not knowing what he might do. I think he was shocked at first that I actually did what I said I was going to do. I gave him ample warning, he just didn't believe me.
We have to do what we have to do in order to be happy. Life's too short. There are other men out there that will treat us much nicer and be happy for the companionship. I hope to find such a man one day. But, in the mean time, I am surviving just fine. I still hurt now and then and have a cry. There's nothing wrong with that. It's healthy to work through our feelings through our emotions. I wouldn't be human if I didn't.
So, good luck to you and I hope this has helped you to decide what it is that you want to do. Divorce is a very tough decision to make. But, once you cross that line it can take such a huge weight off your shoulders and be an incredible boost to your ego and self being.
Take care and let me know how it goes.
"Freebird" (My divorce was final on Nov. 15th-it went well)