How do I tell him I am done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
How do I tell him I am done?
12
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 7:01pm

We have been married (tomorrow) for 13 yrs, have 2 kids, 9 and 11. I am not willing to 'try' anymore. I am just done. He isn't a bad person, but does have some anger issues. The last discussion we had about separating/divorce was because he found a piece of paper I had written a name of book I was going to read about divorce..didn't go over well..he FLIPPED out, broke a bunch of things, then laid on his garage floor and cried.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 7:29pm
hi i feelalone, you are NOT alone at all. I am in the same boat. we do not have kids. we own a home, we both have good jobs and then there is the BUT ... Im not happy. i am not in love with my husband anymore, i love him and i dont want to hurt is why im still with him. so i understand how you feel. just know you are not alone. i know someday hopefully soon i will be able to break free. to live my life and enjoy it, after all it isnt a cliche for nothing 'you only get one life one chance' sorry i have no advice for you but if someone out there does then i help me too!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 8:09pm
I am speaking from a 25 year relationship, that should never have lasted that long. It is terribly hard on the kids to see that raging behaviour--mine are dealing with the after math of it and they are 19 and 23. Anger problems always have a deep rooted issue. Don't let it manifest itself with your family. I ended up having to have my husband removed from the home after a rampage (alcohol was/is also an issue). Unless he gets help for the anger, it probably will only get worse. If he agrees to some help, you should get some too. If this is an option for both of you, you may be able to put the pieces back together. Mine X never agreed to any, and I put up with a lot of crap for years--much to my regret. I'm just saying don't wait until it's too late--too many pieces to pick up. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but he has come around finally, and realizes it is the best thing for all of us for he and I to be apart. (After a year and a half).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 1:32am

He sounds like he will get very angry with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 8:58am

It will not be easy but let me offer you a few tips...

* Start with telling him the marriage is in trouble.
* He needs Therapy. If he says No, then you are moving out with the kids (do not leave the state)
* Have your own bank accounts setup.
* Get as much of your/kids stuff out of the house.
* Have an apartment setup.
* See a really good D attorney (preferable one that also does Family Law).

His behavior is making an impact on your kids.

Good Luck...
stunned08

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 11:12am

I was pretty afraid to actually tell my DH that I wanted a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 11:55am

thank you, love that quote!


I don't want to sound nieve, but I really don't think I need to do the whole hiding things, getting apt and bank accounts. I have been the basic breadwinner for years now, he works, but doesn't make much. I do all the banking, all the bills, everything.... He doesn't even remember passwords for anything to have access. I do have a savings acct he doesn't know about (not much in it...) but I could transfer some $ into it, in case he does use his ck card

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 12:04pm
I would hide the things...if you have been the breadwinner, he may go for alimony.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 12:09pm
why can't this just be mutual and easy!!!! I have thought about telling him nicely and even going as far as saying I want us to be civil and have kids 50/50 and that I am not asking for child support (cause in his head, I'm sure that will be the first thought).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 4:36pm
I actually think it would be good for you to say those things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 2:05pm
Wow! I feel as though you are my twin! I am sooo in the same boat, married 11yrs, 2 kids 8 and 13. He is not and all around bad guy but anger continues to be an issue. He also says and reacts in front of my girls. I am so done and feel like you. We have a mortgage so I know if I pack up and get an apt, the house will most likely foreclose but I am so unhappy that I feel like screw it! I think my next steps are going to be talking to

Shannon

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