How Do I Tell The Kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
How Do I Tell The Kids
11
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:19pm

Ok so I am planning to file next week, at this point no one knows I am filing for divorce especially my soon to be ex. We have been married for 12 years and me and my 2 children 13 and 10 have been through verbal and physical abuse. There are good days, bad days and sometimes there are more good then bad. We have been through 4 therapists and in the end its my fault because I am the only one who actually talks. He doesnt want to bring up "private" family issues. My children are in therapy for self esteem issues and also my son has mental disabilities. The therapist agrees that me leaving is better for the kids and for myself. So my lawyer is filing for temporary custody orders and also restraining order for no physical, phone or written contact with me. Once we file I will move out the next day while he is at work and he will be served later that day.

How do I tell the kids? What can I expect from them? I am scared and worried even though i know this is best for all of us. I have tried to leave before but there was no planning it was in the heat of the moment decision and then he talked me back. This time i am doing lots of planning and getting organized and I can afford to live on my own.

How do i tell the kids?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:36pm

Hi there!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:50pm

Thank you so very much for this. I need all the support and advice I can get at this point. I feel guilty for acting like everything is normal right now at home but I know its best for my safety and sanity but also the kids. Feeling guilty for hurting my abusers feelings, HA cannot wait to be done with this so the reprogramming can start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 11:15pm

I think Karen gave you great advice. I just wanted to say hang in there and good luck with the transition you are about to make. It takes a lot of courage to leave, and I think it's great you are willing to take the kids and try to give them something better than what they have had.

This is a very supportive board with women who are there for you no matter what you are going through or how you are feeling. Take care and I'll be thinking of you and hoping it goes smoothly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 5:22am

(((Hugs))) Im so sorry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 5:23am

Also, have you checked out the Domestic Abuse, New Beginnings board? Its GREAT!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:16am
Thank you all very much. I have been reading the archives over the last few days and have found lots of good information. I am not a patient person so the planning is stressing me out as I want to go to the next step in get my new life started and start to put some of this behind us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:59pm
I know how you feel. You just want to get it out there and be done with it I think Karen's advice is great. Explain clearly what is happening, and tell them you'll answer any questions that they have, as best you can. Unfortunately, at the end of our marriage, my ex and I were running around yelling divorce so much (yes, I know it was awful) that it didn't come as a surprise to our son. Believe me, I wish we'd both had the patience to to it more appropriately. One of the many things I need to forgive myself for!




How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:11pm

The soon to be ex knows something is up but keeps calling to ask why have i been quiet or distant lately. Yeah I have been quiet but there is alot on my mind, I am also not sleeping hardly at all. If I tell him now then I risk not going through with it as he is good at talking me back. I also risk him doing something violent. He starts with the begging then goes right for the screaming and threats. This is how it has always been. Yet I am the one feeling guilty for not being up front with him about it now and feel sorry for the hurt I am going to cause him. Although I am the one who is usually hurt and the kids get hurt.

Am I wrong in the way I am doing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:24pm

"Am I wrong in the way I am doing this?"


NO...you are not wrong. It's called strategic planning, child safety and survival.


Also, if at all possible, when you start to feel sorry for hurting him, remember what being with him has done to you and your children.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:33pm
I needed to hear everything you just said. I have printed it out and I am posting this at my desk at work as a reminder. Thank you!

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