how do u co-parent when the ex hates you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
how do u co-parent when the ex hates you
13
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 4:15pm

Iam so at my wits end now. My ex has made it known that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. But yet he wants joint custody of our 3yr old son. How in the world are we supposed to co-parent when he is behaving like this. He has told the mediator that he hates me and im a b!%^h. He has sued me for $3000. and was awarded $1,250. I just dont get it. He cheated many times. I gave him so many chances and got fed up and kicked him out. He now blames me for all thats gone wrong in his life. He lost his job, had twin girls with one of the women he cheated on me with, has to sell his 1998 Ford Expedition because he cant afford to pay the insurance and is now living with his 21yr old gf in a one room kitchenette.

He moved on with his life WAY before I did. Why is he so BITTER? He's so verbally hostile towards me.

We were in court yesterday and you would have never known that we spent over 5 yrs together and made a child together, he used to look at me with loving, caring eyes and now its like he dispises me. He wont even say hello to me, so I dont speak to him either. He chose for it to be like this. I dont get it. How can we raise a child together when he wont even say hello to me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 9:34am

My guess is that he has that hate in his eyes far more often then when he's around you!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:25am

You always give such good advice. The only thing is we werent legally married. We were living together though and aside from the marriage license it felt like we were married. I do wish that we had gotten married at the time but looking back at it now Im glad we didnt because things would have been even more complicated.

What you said about him having hate in his eyes far more often then when he's around me I do believe is true. What's funny is he has acted like him having this new gf was the best thing that happened to him and he's so happy, if this were really the case I know in my heart he wouldnt be so nasty and bitter to me. Im not even in a relationship and havent been since we broke up almost 2 yrs ago and Im more pleasant than him. I was an emotional wreck when we ended and I seem to be in a way better place than he is now.

Again I thank you for your wonderful advice. I do pray it gets better for our son's sake.

The ex is still out on this campaign that Im keeping the baby from him b/c Im mad he has a gf. Ha! How can I be keeping the baby from him. But how is that when he doesnt even ask to see him. The last time he asked for him was 4 days after his birthday and I agreed and to no surprise he cancelled the visit.

Im very concerned, what if the judge believes him that Im keeping the baby from him. I dont know whose side she will take. Im worried about that. But it's in God's hands and I know he can make a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:38am

Wow!.... I must've known that you weren't actually married to him, but... I must admit, it's difficult for my scattered brain to keep it all straight!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 12:14pm

Hugs and Kisses to you.

Finding this board truely saved my life and helped me through one of the hardest things I had to deal with. At times I pity him because I do know that he so many if not all of his emotions bottled up inside and has not taken the time to truely DEAL with them. It was over 5 yrs with me then he went straight to the other woman, made twins, left, then went straight to the 21yr old. WHEW! Wouldnt want to be in his shoes at all or these women he's with now. When he finally does break down, look out, its gonna be a doosie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 1:19pm

((((((((((((RED)))))))))))))))))


What this man is doing is called projection.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 1:36pm

I like you. I like you alot. It took a long time for me to remove myself from the drama. Alot of these posters can tell you from some of my previous messages. I would be a wreck at times depending on HIS emotions. The hi's and low's were something else. Knowledge is POWER.

Alot of my friends would tell me he's pissed at me for taking my power away from him and slowly but surely Im learning they were right as you are. I finally began to get the courage to stand on my own and believe in MYSELF. It's hard when there's a little one involved. I mean I used to call him, complain he wasnt spending time with the baby, or be hurt over something he said to me and argue with him about it and one of my closest friends had told me when I get truely sick of it I will STOP it. She was right. At the time I was somehow getting something from it even though it was negative attention. As you said "negative attention better than none at all" Whew Im glad Im pass that.

Months ago something like this would have me going at it with him about how could he treat me like this etc. With time you grow, you learn to stand on your own and it feels good.

Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 4:00pm

You know, one of the most satisfying feelings in the world for me was realizing that I was growing, getting stronger and that I could make right decisions (regardless of how they affected him or how he responded) and feel good about those decisions and even see the positive results of them.


When we were together I was constantly trying to coach him on how to talk to the girls and trying to get him to understand that you cannot talk to them that way and expect them to have any regard for you in the long term.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:54am

I couldnt have said it better myself. You're a good woman. Dont beat yourself up about choosing him. Im sure just like with my ex we chose them because of who they portrayed themselves at the time. I would have went to the end of the world with my ex, that's how much I loved him and thought he loved me. I used to cry that it was over but now I just smile that it happened. I learned alot, about myself, relationships everything. I will not give that much of myself to any man again. As for my ex, I do wish things were different but he too is who he is and he is NOT for me. A part of me will always care for him no matter how bitter and immature he is because he gave me my son.

Hugs to you girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 10:03am

This is another issue -- but how did your son see three years of your ex's tax returns?

Does your ex not keep his financial documents filed? They just lie around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 10:14am

Funny what details stick out to some.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

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