how do u co-parent when the ex hates you
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| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 4:15pm |
Iam so at my wits end now. My ex has made it known that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. But yet he wants joint custody of our 3yr old son. How in the world are we supposed to co-parent when he is behaving like this. He has told the mediator that he hates me and im a b!%^h. He has sued me for $3000. and was awarded $1,250. I just dont get it. He cheated many times. I gave him so many chances and got fed up and kicked him out. He now blames me for all thats gone wrong in his life. He lost his job, had twin girls with one of the women he cheated on me with, has to sell his 1998 Ford Expedition because he cant afford to pay the insurance and is now living with his 21yr old gf in a one room kitchenette.
He moved on with his life WAY before I did. Why is he so BITTER? He's so verbally hostile towards me.
We were in court yesterday and you would have never known that we spent over 5 yrs together and made a child together, he used to look at me with loving, caring eyes and now its like he dispises me. He wont even say hello to me, so I dont speak to him either. He chose for it to be like this. I dont get it. How can we raise a child together when he wont even say hello to me?

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It's amazing to see other people going through what you are going through. To answer the original question: You don't co-parent with someone who hates you.
My ex was a controlling insecure monster lurking in a fancy suit and fancy title. He is a horrible man and a crappy father. Do I hate him, absolutely!!! Every time he disappoints and hurts my (our) 6 year old, I hate him with every fiber of my being. Do I co-parent with him? Absoluetly not! Is it becuase I hate him? Nope, only because he choses to ignore any aspect of DS's life. He lives 5 states away and calls every 3 or 4 days right at bedtime to say goodnight. Their conversations last about 4-5 minutes tops.
My son asks me questions all the time. I lie every time. At first I thought this was wrong, that I would be party to the facade. Then I realized that telling the truth only hurt him and in the end he would figure it out for himself. When he asks why I lied, I will say that I didn't want to disappoint him and felt he and his father needed to establish their own relationship without me putting my two cents in.
His father has forfieted seeing him the last two Christmas visitations. He will not excercise his summer visitation except to take a week trip to visit his family with DS.
Believe it or not at 6 he is starting to figure it out. He called his Dad a couple of times over the past 3 days and when his Dad finally called back he asked "why didn't you call me back sooner?" His Dad must have gave some excuse because he then said "I've been home all day." 2 seconds later he was telling his Dad that he had to go and would talk to him another day.
No matter what you want, only he can decide the relationship he will have. It took me over a year to figure that out. I document everything. That's all you can do.
Good luck
I think it is a sad situation that our stories are similar.
I want to co-parent..but I can't either. Every decision we had made about how to raise our children has gone out the window.
Time & time again, he "chooses" his gf over his children. He too, calls them most nights but talks to them on the phone for 3 mins tops and that is for all 3 of them. For the past year I have been "pushing" him to be a good father, but that's not what he wants. He wants to have his freedom. To choose when & if he talks to them.
I can't even send the childrens homework with them on the weekends that he goes with them (which is down to 1 a month because the other 3 he has "plans" with the gf) because he won't sit down with them long enough to do it.
I have given up letting him know what is going on in his children's lives.
Something my 6 yr old dd said to me this morning that made me sigh..she said "mom, we were supposed to spend yesterday at dad 's" I just said yes, I know..she then said her older sister had told her "dad made his choice" my only response was your dad is really confused right now..what else do you say?
Di,
Just read a bit at Lynn Forrests' site...wow. I will spend more time studying and using that information to discern some things about myself. Thanks so, so much for putting that link here.
Peace, Annah
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