How do you (and your child) survive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
How do you (and your child) survive?
2
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:03pm

I guess this is sort of a question and sort of a venting session.

I finalized my divorce about three months ago (and agreed reluctantly to joint custody), and since then my ex has only increased his harrassment of me and our 10 year old son. Since there was no longer any real reason to contact me (other than infrequent parenting schedule questions) my ex began making up reasons to call me, text me, email me, sometimes 10 times a day, all to ask me personal questions and who I was seeing, what I was doing, etc. When I told him it was none of his business and refused to respond to many of his inquiries, he became livid and would reply with angry, bitter, and usually foul voice messages and emails. I ended up taking out a restraining order a month ago and retaining a lawyer. Once my ex couldn't contact me directly (except for email--supposedly only to discuss parenting issues), he began grilling our son during visits and aiming his angry outbursts at him. So now I am attempting to gain sole custody, and I know I have a long, expensive, exhausting road ahead.

How do you cope when you're involved in a custody battle and your child still has to go between both parents? A lot of my basis for asking for sole custody hinges on accounts regarding our son, but whenever my ex hears of these (through his attorney), he gets angry at our son for saying anything to me about their time together or calling me when he gets stressed out at Dad's house. I know I have to give all the information I have to my attorney so we can make a good case, but I hate that my son is the one who is left to face his dad. This could drag on for months...what can I do for my son to help him through this? I have him seeing a counselor, but I feel helpless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 4:42pm

Oh I am SO SO sorry your ds has to go through this and that your X is using and abusing him as a way to hurt you.

I am just so sorry.

I have no advice except to keep all the loving going on at your house -- keep it positive -- keep it hopeful and do not ask about times at Dad's house; just listen if your ds shares his feelings.

I wonder if you might be able to get court ordered parenting counseling for your X (it would likely be required of both of you so you are both on the same page) and maybe an anger management program.

I hope you are successful in neutralizing the environment for your son soon!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 3:33pm

I'm so sorry!

Adults can be so selfish-even when it comes to their own children.
It's pretty clear your ex is showing his anger towards you through your son.Your son being only 10 does not understand and why should he. He wants to love and have love from both parents(that would be the ideal world).

In my case-on the Court Order it specifies-neither parent shall(I don't know the exact words) but basicaly be civil in every aspect towards one another in front of the child.

I would have a counselor talk with your child and get a report for the court. Maybe the Court could order your ex to visit counseling himself(about parenting)-maybe that will help him, maybe not.In any event you will prove to the Court you are a responsible, caring parent who understands a child needs both parents(under normal events).
I think that should be step one-Court can also order for you to have sole custody with your ex having visitations only until he completes this program and then let's see how he manages.

In my case my Ex even though he has a new wife and a child-did not contact his kids since 2005.But I can't have an order to have him be a father-does not exist.When he did see them(in 2005)after by the way not seeing them or contacting them for a year, he sent the Court a letter telling them how "bad" I was.Bunch of lies and nonsence.Court sent me this letter and I did not even respond to his crap.Guess what? We did not hear from him since.

You know what? I chose to answer (even before) his nonsence with politenes,it works.He was not and will not provoke me -ever.Now-when it came to my children I learned to not "work" on it directly with him-it did not work.I took my facts to Court and let them decide.

I remember when my Ex and I were separated he would come to the house-(like he still lived there) and run throught it like a mad man.I said-STOP-you do not live here, I do not go to your house( I even had no clue where he lives)and even though your children live here, let's be civil about it.(He did not show up since then).
What does that tell you? Was it about the kids? I guess not-if he wanted to be a father, he would set up some normal life when he was with them-he did not.I was by the way very open about it and NO I was not about him-you do this and that when it came to the children.

BUT-when I would say-hey how about Sunday afternoon-he said OK, kids waited and he never came to get them.
It was as if-more I was willing to be normal divorced parents, he did not like it and did everything against it.

Today(despite his again non paying child support) we are happy and that's what counts.I have learned I can't change anyone,but I will always stand for my children's rights, if not me then who?!

Best of luck!