How do you break the hold he has on you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
How do you break the hold he has on you?
6
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 6:42pm

I left my husband of 20 yrs at the time of separation in july 2003. I returned to the home twice and finally divorced him April of 2006. But I returned once more and actually remarried him this past February 2007 and I have been kicking myself ever since. We have four children together, just the youngest is at home still, a 17 yr old son. I believe I came back and remarried in a feeble attempt to heal the family. I had made several immoral mistakes during the separation but had been entirely faithful until them and the consequences were hard for the kids.

Now what do I do? He has never cheated, drank, gambled or abused me or the kids physically. the reasons I left were emotional and financial. but now being remarried, how do I justify leaving again and reopening all the wounds? I care about him but not to the level of love that would be needed to stay for the duration of my life.

The stress of all this is beginning to affect my health. I cant talk to him about it, he shuts me down. I cant talk to the kids either, they are tired of hearing about it.

Joannie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:30pm
I am in tears as I read you post. I haven't been divorced yet, but I have left him 4 times, and somehow I always come back. But this time my body is rejecting everything. I also worry about my health. I have anxiety attacks every night when I am with him. I also have night terrors, so sleep is something I hardly ever get. When I am on my way home from work, the closer I get to home, I begin to get nauseas and sometimes even throw up. My mom went through a divorce years ago and I remember her telling me that when you begin to have physical symptoms it is your body's way of trying to tell you that you cannot go on living this way. I am petrified of getting divorced, but I know at this point that I have no choice. My problem is he threatens to kill me or himself if I go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 2:41pm

<<>>

m-

there are worse things in life than divorce. i can say that to you now that i am in the process. the hardest part is making the decision to do it, planning for it, then actually proceeding with your plan.

in regards to threatening to kill himself, its emotional blackmail. in regards to threatening to kill you, in most states i believe you can get a protective order. get an attorney, educate yourself and protect yourself.

you can do it.

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:29pm
16 months since serving him. Something he wanted for 2 yrs cause he could not accept my depression and understand. Mine is not going well as he is very demanding and tries to push my buttons with every thing he has. He even used the kids against me and they now live with him. So to answer your question, I have been told patience and stay strong.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:10am

(((HUGS))), mseidel, and I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm worried because your post mentions that you've been extremely depressed and upset over your current situation, and that your husband has made threats against you. I think you're in a very dangerous situation that could escalate rapidly if not handled properly, and truly think you should try one of the following resources to help you get out of there:


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:48am

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I understand this all to well.

good luck

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:49pm

in my original post, i referred to immoral mistakes i made during the separation, let me explain. well into the separation, i discovered why i had stayed as long as i had, i am a submissive. this refers to more than a personality characteristic, it is who i am. the whole world could run me over and i wouldnt correct them. during the marriage i sacrificed myself time and time again and allowed the kids and husband to be who i was. back to the separation, after i "found" my submissiveness, i engaged in activities with the bdsm community. (bondage, discipline, sado, masochism) the problem with this is that my daughter found record of my chats with a "Master" and it with her dad. dad then had a meeting with all kids and our pastor and they staged an "intervention". they told me that i was to surrender my rented house, hubby took possession of my vehicle, my cell phone, and i was to stay with friends from church. i was not allowed phone or computer priveleges and was to never be alone. the alternative: the kids were going to disown me and treat me as if i were dead. some choice, ha? i agreed but only lasted about one week and i revolted. so i know how they can manipulate.

my question is what the hell was happening when i returned after being divorced, for nearly a whole year. the kids were adjusting, and to some point, so was exhubby. i was finally figuring out who i was and liking me. am i crazy?

joannie