How do you Cope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2008
How do you Cope
13
Wed, 11-19-2008 - 6:08pm
Hi, I was wondering how do you cope with your husband of 21 years walking out. He left my daughter and I last week, My life is in turmoil, can't sleep, can't eat , can't stop crying. I Begged him to stay , get couseling something, he said no he was done, he needed to find himself again and wasn't happy here. That he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. What a shock. I am trying to understand why and how can someone who loves you do this to you. The pain is terrible. I miss him day/night. We have talked but it is cold and distant. I was talking to a friend and she said that she found support on the message board so I joined. I am feeling very alone and lost since for 21 years we have been a couple. Can anyone help me with what is the best thing to do. Should I just give him his space and see if he comes back? Should I ignore him, I find it hard not to want to talk with him and tell him I miss him, I love him ect. He wants to separate our things, get an apartment. Is this midlife crises??? What is the best thing. I am trying to get moving but sometimes I just fall apart, could be in the car, at the store at work. I feel like I am going crazy . If someone has any help please let me know. After 21 years of marriage I do not know where to go to find people that might have similar experience. Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 11-19-2008 - 7:39pm
I had to write back to you because I was you three years ago this month.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 1:27am
Thanks for your story. I know that I can no longer wait while he finds himself and explores his needs. I feel like he wants me to wait because of the things and the money part not because he sees us together somehow. This is certainly not what I want I will always love him but I can't wait for the ineveitable to happen. He says it is over his does not want to try so fine my choice was made for me. It helps to know that others have survived this rollarcoaster ride, beacuase I have times that I thought no way I can not do this , I just want my family back, my husband, my life. But I need to be strong for my daughter and if he wants out then he needs to go and to not keep me hanging on to hope that is not their. I think he is afraid of losing all of his things (cars, house, business ect) This is why he wants me to just go with the flow keep all financies the same, but he wants his own life. He can't have both. It is the hardest thing I will ever do I feel like half of me is missing. I wander around lost, what do I do, drive here, drive there, I am wandering in a daze sometimes, I feel like I am going crazy. Talking helps but at night like this when your all alone it is the hardest for me to be without him. But I will have to figure out how to cope with this loss. I keep asking myself how can he do this to his family, his daughter??? I dont understand that at all. 21 years 1/2 my life spent with this man and he walks out the door and seems happy about it. I found this board from a friend who said it helped her get through the tough times with divorce. Thanks for your insight it gives me some hope that someday I will be happy again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 7:38am

I got the "I love you but am not in love with you" crap too. What does that really mean? I’d love to take a poll and see what % of people leaving their spouses say that.

When my STBX first came to me and said he was leaving I felt similar to what you're feeling. But then I thought about it and realized that I was afraid to be alone, because I had been married for so long (17 years). I really wasn't all that sad about him leaving because he wasn't ever really that nice to me. What helped me was anger. I thought about how he treated me for all those years and then HE had the gall to leave me. My anger made me determined not to be destroyed because of this, not to let this ruin my life. Come up with a plan in the event of him actually pulling the trigger and divorcing you. Like, I will stay in this house and go to school, or get a job and move, or move in with a friend, etc. Whatever will work for YOUR future. Even if you don't have the wherewithall to do anything about it right now, it's comforting to just have a plan.

Also, allow yourself to fall apart. This is completely normal and necessary at this point in time. You deserve to have some good crying sessions and you also deserve to be angry with him. Anger is a strong emotion and if channeled correctly, can really help get you going again. Talk to others in the same boat as you (like all of here on the this forum) and others in your area. And this is much easier said than done, but try not to let it destroy your self esteem, he's the one making the mistake and being a jerk, not you. It sounds corny but in your mind tell yourself "I'm a good person and I am a person who deserves love".

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 11:58am

Hi there, I know it is so painful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:03pm
I forgot to ask, do you think there is another women?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 1:14pm

I know all too well what your are feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 7:15pm
I too have lost my husband of 20 years(together for 27)He also said he wasnt being fair to me because my feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for me. He loves me just not in love with me. It has been almost a year the horrible pain oh yeah its still there the crying almost everyday. He moved out 4 months ago. I have been an emotional wreck that has put a wedge between us that we will never recover from I had the perfect marriage or at least I thought I did. When I called and told my sister what was happening she said " Omg I have always bragged to everyone about your relationship that you found the perfect man and had the perfect relaionship she even said she was jealous"I felt the same way. I did convince my husband to try counseling we did it for a few sessions(3) she told him in the first session that he was going thru a midlife crisis. He dissagreed. He went to counseling on his own(3) seessions. We tried a different one together (4) sessions. He never allowed it to get to the point where we could truly find out what his feelings are or were. It was almost like he was afraid to find out that he truly still loved me that he just needed space and
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 3:55pm

"I got the "I love you but am not in love with you" crap too. What does that really mean? I’d love to take a poll and see what % of people leaving their spouses say that... When my STBX first came to me and said he was leaving I felt similar to what you're feeling. But then I thought about it and realized that I was afraid to be alone, because I had been married for so long"


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2008
Sun, 11-23-2008 - 11:03pm

So here I am. I'm 40 years old. A rat. I was in a relationship for 14 years. 2 days after our 14th Anniversary I broke up with her. My relationship with my partner had been pretty much sexless. We always fought about it. In 2003 I had an online affair with a woman, went home for a funeral and drove to her home. I didn't sleep with her ... but my now ex said I cheated anyways as I was emotionally *there*. I couldn't do it. I loved my girl too much. Said no, walked away and never spoke to the woman again. I couldn't cheat on my girl ... I was crazy it seemed.


We reconciled. Vowed to work on things and make them better .. work out our relationship. We had sex 2 times in the next 5 years. I begged, pleaded, fought etc. Nothing helped. Meanwhile, this whole time I was playing an online computer game. Ignored her. Was terribly addicted to this game. It ran my life. My ex worked to support us both while I was in college .. my student loans were my contribution to the budget. We didn't have sex at all. She always said it was her, not me, don't take it personal, etc etc. We would still fight. She would still say horrible hateful hurtful things, then come back 30 minutes later and apologize. I always accepted it and said it was ok.


I began to have an online relationship, again, through my computer game, in 2004. It was a tumultuous on again off again relationship. My now ex still wouldn't have anything to do with me sexually, still said it was her problem, not mine, stop internalizing, etc etc. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We seemed to get closer as she had surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. I took care of her. By then I was working fulltime, she was so sick. We still didn't have sex but she was dealing with cancer and stuff and I never once asked. I knew it wasn't something that was possible as she was so so sick.


Fast forward 2 years to 2008. I still had this online relationship going, it had been 4 years by now. By this time my partner said, you won't get sex at home, so go out and get it elsewhere, it's ok. I never could. I tried. But I felt so guilty and just couldn't. I got so frustrated. Used to confide in my best friend all that. Finally, I broke up with her, 2 days after our 14th anniversary, this was in July. She moved out 1 month later. I moved my 4 year online relationship girl in about 3 weeks after my ex moved out. Move forward to 2 weeks ago, I find out my best friend that I have confided in for 12 years about my ex is now involved with my ex. They are sleeping together .. oh sooooooooo in love!


I still love my ex. My best friend knew it. I want my ex ack. My best friend knew it. My ex knows it. My ex says she isn't in love with me. Loves me, but isn't IN love with me. Admitted that for the last 5 years she lied and the intimacy issues WERE about me because I cheated on her in 2003 emotionally.


I'm so lost. I love her. Can't get over her. Have someone here in my home that I don't want here but not sure how to work that out. My ex is moving in with my former best friend. I'm not sure how to cope with everything. Not sure how to deal with the love of my life being with someone else ... my former best friend who I confided in for 12 years ... what to do about the woman in my home ... what to do about myself ... and how to deal with the fact my ex no longer is IN love with me and reconciliation isn't an option.


So screwed, so hurt, so lost ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Mon, 11-24-2008 - 12:49pm

angela404 I am sorry to hear you are in such pain. My STBX left me twice in two months and here are the ways I have been coping with my situation.


I changed his name to Not Worth It in my phone so when he calls, it pops up on the screen (got this from this site). I also changed the ring to Tom Petty's "You Got Lucky".


I went out and got my own bank accounts and took my name off the joint accounts.


I joined a Divorce and Separation Group that meets once a week.


I have made numerous appointments to take care of my health.

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