how do you deal?
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| Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:51am |
Hi there, I am struggling today, I need some help.
My husband is dating his office manager. Two months ago, when he moved out, they were "just friends". Then two weeks ago, he was "interested" in her, two days after that they were dating, but he promised me that he wouldnt let our 3 yo see anything that would let him think they were anything other than friends. he told me they wouldn't be together that often anyway, and that it would be a long time before he let our son see him with anyone in that way, because he didn't think it was right. So my biggest fear, that it was too soon for ds to see his dad with another woman was allayed, i just figured the other jealousy things i'm going to have to deal with.
well this weekend, they were together all weekend. and i didnt ask my son about it, i would never grill him about what he did, he just talked about them. i asked my husband about when things changed, what happened to all the things he told me a week ago, and he wouldn't answer me, he just told me that he thought it was time for our son to see him with her in "that way".
so you know, i'm worried that this is going to be hard on my son. but i think i'm mostly jealous, i've told you guys about this before...why couldn't he want to do family things with me? why her? and he's told me over and over again that he thinks i'm a great mom, why then does he want to replace me?
our baby is due in about six weeks. i'm stressing about her spending time with my baby...is my baby going to even know who I am when this other woman starts holding him? It's so hard that she's spending time with my son, now i have to share my baby too?
husband is having me meet him today to file the papers. we haven't even filed yet and he has moved on. i have a feeling they are talking about moving in together.
he doesn't want to be there when the baby is born, and i'm sure that is because (at least in part) it must be hard to ask for time off from your office manager/girlfriend to be there when your wife is having a baby...a baby that we planned for and tried for. and now eight months later, he can't even be civil to me.
SO how do you deal when the other women are with your kids? How am I going to get through this? I feel like I'm never going to feel good again.

oh hugs to you!!!! poor baby - your husband left you when you were pregnant with his child? what a low life....
I can't tell you HOW to get over this, all i can say is that you WILL get over this. your husband, unfortunately, is NOT worth you spending ANY energy on him. as far as your son is concerned - well, this will be a fact-of-life for him, to see daddy with other women. and i udnerstand that you don't want HER near your kids - but- i think - for everyone's sake - you are going to have to start to view her as *daddy's girlfriend*. and maybe, possibly, someday, work TOGETHER as a team to parent your children.
not fair, not what you wanted - but it is the wya it is...
huge hugs!
Hugs honey.
As you know, I know how you feel. All too much.
You are the sole caretaker of your babies. Your babies will ALWAYS know who you are. I worried about this when my daughter was born too. I think it's important and a "plus" that we are the one's who take care of our kids full time. Once they start a regular visitation schedule the kids will still look at dad like a dad, but more of a babysitter rather than "dad". My 6 year old knows I am his mom. My daughter also knows. My ex gets them every other weekend and OW lives with him. They both will call OW Miss Amy. That is also important. Until there is a final commitment named ( marriage, IF that ever happens )
god, it's just horrible what you're having to deal with. i cannot imagine having to go through all that.
maybe this will help you just a tiny bit in terms of your newest baby. i worried when my son came that he wouldn't know the difference between me, his mother, and his babysitter. my husband and i both worked full time. i left the house by 7:45 a.m. and wasn't home until 5:00. well, he certainly did know i was his mother. i remember crying to the women at work, literally, about just this thing and they assured me that he would know. he did. he knew i was in charge. he knew i was the one getting up in the middle of the night. he knew i was home when he was sick. he knew he was with me all weekend. but it caused me so much anxiety before he was born and when i went back to work.
i understand your feeling that way completely. and also, mixed into all that emotion, is the fact that you're dealing with just a completely awful betrayal. have you tried counselling? i can't imagine dealing with so much and not speaking to someone professionally.
my best wishes and prayers are with you.
My heart goes out to you. Pray! Everyday, night, about everything. God will bless you and keep you strong. If you can go to church. My son is two. And my ex cheated on me, i kicked him out he moved in with the OW and her three kids, got her pregnant with twins who are now a month old and left her and is now with a 20 yr old that he wants to be around my son. It kills me. She makes it her business to make noise so I know she is with him, playing, and even feeding him. It just hurts like hell. But I just pray all the time for strength.
Everyone has told me to think of her as a temporary babysitter. That my son will always know who mommy is and they are right. In the middle of the night "MOMMY" is there not her, or Daddy, when he is sick MOMMY is there.
I know it seems unbearable now but look to the future. Summer is here, think of all the things you can do with your kids. Their dad is going to miss out on all of those magical moments that happen once in a lifetime. You can soak up all of their love and joy.
I had a hard time focusing on me. Because I too felt what was wrong with me that he didnt want to be with me, why was she so special over me. But my ex is a Low Down Dog. He cheated on this 20 yr old with me more than once. So I had to work on myself. I have taken back my power that I gave to him. It was my strenght that made him, my love. Whenever he is in trouble he runs to me. I have now cut him off completely. We deserve someone who will cherish and honor us.
Imagine how your ex will feel when he has to go through what you are going through now. It will be worse for him because the new man in your life will spend much more time with "his son" then this OW spends with your son. I believe that people who do wrong get what they deserve. I dont know how religious you are but please read the 37th Psalm from the Bible. It helps me still. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me anytime.
Good Luck and God Bless
Hi! I just thought I would invite you to another board that I post on regularly. It's just getting started, and there are some great gals on there, who have BTDT (been there done that).
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppsingle?redirCnt=1
I hope that links works. But we are a group of single moms, either by choice, divorce, or circumstance. And I know just like this board- we can offer tons of advise and support.
My advice is to just take care of yourself, your son, and your baby. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and to be pregnant at the same time.
What a STINKER that man is!!!!!
Bless your heart! Lots of the women here post similar worries, myself included. It's normal for you to feel jealous. I worry about my ex's new wife overstepping boundaries with my daughter and she is much older, 8YO. I can't even imagine what it must be like with babies. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone! I hope it helps to write about your fears and frustrations.
Maybe you'll get lucky and they won't want to deal with the work of taking care of the baby and won't want much visitation.
Keep coming back!
Know that it's quite possible to raise your children very well all by yourself. You can do it!