How do you deal with the empty threats?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
How do you deal with the empty threats?
6
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:46pm

My stbx made a comment tonight about taking our daughter (2.5) from me and the grounds would have been that I was taking depression medication and medication for nausea. He says he has a bunch of information on those drugs. He also said that he's considered doing this but at this time he isn't going to.

This is obviously an empty threat. I have stayed at home with our daughter since she was born and have been qualified enough to be allowed to own and operate a home based daycare, and be a foster/resource parent. We graduated from our fostercare/resource parent class about a week or so before his affair with the OW started :(

My stbx's sister in law has threatened me (over the phone) to morgage her house if necessary for my stbx to get a good lawyer and take my daughter....since then supposedly she has said she wouldn't do it.

And the latest threat (from stbx's sister in law)is that if I ever talk about her husband or my stbx's deceased father again I will be sued for slander. I have no clue what my stbx is telling this woman I could possibly be saying! I have made a comment about what my stbx's father would think about all that is going on. I have also made comments about my stbx's brother (sister in laws dh) and his divorce from his first wife, and the family he left behind for his new woman and the child they conceived before they were married.
I don't feel that these were anything to be considered "slander".

What do you all think? Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:09pm

How would I deal?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:21am

I have seen this happen over and over! Many men LOVE to threaten their STBXs with the thing that scares them the most - loss of custody of their children. If being on antidepressant medication meant a person wasn't suitable to be a parent, I think most parents wouldn't have custody of their children! SO many people I know are on or were on medication. It's just a pathetic ploy to upset you.


My ex tried to pull something along those lines, too. I told him if he felt I wasn't a good enough parent to our son, he should absolutely contact his attorney immediately and try to get sole custody. How could he possibly leave his son in the care of someone who was so deficient? What would the court think if he left his child with someone so incompetent? Needless to say, he piped down pretty quickly.


And forget the sister-in-law. She has NO case against you for slander. Again, it's all being done to intimidate and upset you. The best one liner? "If you have a problem with XYZ, here's my attorney's number......" But I do understand it's hard not to internalize these things and get upset about them. Just know they don't have a leg to stand on.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:49am

I would limit contact with all these people AND about these people. Just don't talk about any of it to anyone. Don't mention to STBX anyone in his family, don't talk about your separation to any of his family/friends. If you cut off all communication along those lines they will run out of ammunition and steam. Then they will start making stuff up, so get ready for that. Surround yourself with positive friends and family and live your life the best way you know how (including your meds! I've been on Prozac for 6 years and I guaran-darn-tee I am more fit as a mother ON it that I was OFF it. DOH! This seems like a no-brainer to me and Im sure my DR would back me up on this)

Be friendly and vague if you happen to see or speak to them for any reason. They don't need to know your business anymore. And always speak positively about them to your child even if you have to grit your teeth when you do it.

As for slander---you have to say untrue AND harmful statements about a person in a PUBLIC forum. Telling your STBX that his dead father would be disappointed in him is a private conversation and cannot possibly harm his father's reputation. Legally you are well within your right to express your opinion. However, talking to your STBX is just stirring the pot. So limit conversation with him to whatever is absolutely necessary! You don't need to express your opinion to him because you are NOT going to change his mind. If you could, you would not be getting divorced;-)

Good luck
SUsie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:03am

First, threat #1 is WhooHa. You are treating your disease and making yourself better with the meds. This is a good thing. My ex also used this threat.

Second threat-Tell her to go right ahead and smile. Don't be afraid.

Third one-Tell her that is her legal right and leave it at that. You don't have to explain yourself.

These are empty threats. Don't be afraid. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:23am

I get empty threats at least once a month, sometimes more. Don't you love those?
First of all, off topic, my daughter is 2.5 also! (September 2003) Just wanted to add that :)
My ex gives me the threat of "you're not a good mother, you have emotional problems, you live in an apartment, blah blah blah" and he views himself as the most stable, successful, mature person on earth- and views me as this dumb@ss who can't take care of my daughter. He also claims he has "So much" on me and has friends and people whom I use to be friends with that will testify against me on my past behavior and/or activities...yet I have no idea what he means. Well I talked to my lawyer about it and he said to tell him to BRING IT ON because no judge would take majority custody away from me, the MOTHER, based on heresay of other people and unless they have proof via video, pictures or voice recordings. He said that's just as ridiculous as me getting one of my friends on the stand to say "Uh, I saw Joe do heroin once" and a judge believing her.
Also, he told me that his claim of me being a bad mother is BS because obviously i'm not that bad, he's allowed our daughter to be with me for the 1.5 years we've been apart. If we had JUST split up and he brought that up in court they would taken him seriously, but since she has been with me this whole time he obviously trusts me and doesn't feel that she is in any real danger. Basically, they would see through the BS and realize it's a threat and has more to do with his hatred for me rather than the safety of his daughter.
Good luck!

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:46am
I agree, taking meds to manage an issue (whether it's high blood pressure, allergies, depression.... whatever!!!!).... taking the meds is an extremely proactive measure.... and proves responsibility.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~