How Do You Deal With Mutual Friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
How Do You Deal With Mutual Friends?
2
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:14am

After a nine year separation, my H has finally filed for a divorce. Small background of our life: No children; married for 29 years; H left because he didn't love me anymore;H has lived and been supported by his new girlfriend for about 6 years; we live totally separate lives; I have since bought a new home and are attempting to start my life over.

However, throughout our whole life, we had two other couples who were our best of friends. We did everything, and I mean everthing, together. They have been great support to me through this whole ordeal. And to him as well. The group dynamics is a little different in that my best friend is my H's cousin. And her husband is my H's best friend. So this couple is torn between us in a way. I have felt for awhile and expressed to them, that I couldn't talk about things anymore with them because I was scared they would repeat them to my H. Big trust issue.

When my friends finally met this OW, things changed as I knew they would. However, when I would call my friend to vent about something, she gave me a different attitude and would cut me off. So I actually stopped talking to her about things with the separation and divorce.

I have had a problem with this group of friends spending time with my H and his girl. However, I have taught my heart that these are his friends too and he needs them. But I guess my biggest problem is now that I am the one left out of trips and events because I am not a couple. They have BBQ's and parties and invite both of us. I choose not to go because I don't need to see my H with her right now. These friends don't understand why I cannot come to these events...that I am missing out. And ofcourse they say if I had a man, it would be different...but I am not ready for that yet.

The other night my best friend told me that she is tired of feeling guilty because she wants to spend time with my H and have fun. And if I cannot deal with this, then maybe we cannot be friends. And she is tired of me not trusting her; that this divorce is really hard on all of us. And I hurt her when I spoke with another friend about some matters and not her.

I was hurt by this and expressed that this divorce was between my H and me. Yes it affected them, but it was personal right now!

ANYWAY, how do you deal with close friends? I don't want to lose these friends but having trouble dealing with them. Don't want to say something that will hurt our friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 1:07pm

ouch...

no matter how much friends try to stay neutral - i have seen time and again that its near to impossible. I am sorry that your 'friend' said what she said to you--- <<> i understand where she is coming from but she acted in an extremely selfish way that really hurt YOU. YOU are the one who needs the support right now.

ALl i can tell you is that you may find yourself needing new and different kinds of friends. I have found that, while i did remain friendly with one couple, and another couple has managed to remain close to both of us (it helps that they live in a different coutnry and its mainly long distance), i also found that i have made new friends.other 'old' friends had sided with my ex and i just never re-connected with them. not because they sided with him - but because they sided with him without hearing *my* side of the story. in any case the divorce, and everything leading up to it, has changed me immensly - and I find that meeting new people is fun. I have set new standards for my friends, as well. i could not be friends with someone who would not put *loyalty* on top of their list.

sorry for all your pain. and sorry for the cliche - but maybe, just maybe, this is a blessing in disguise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 5:08pm

Sometimes you lose friends in a divorce, I found out this as well. My best friend at the time was marrying his best friend, he was asked to be the best man in their wedding and I a bridesmaid, then my husband asked for a divorce because he was having an affair. Thinks went to hell from there...the bad thing is, we hooked the two of them up, she was my friend from college and he grew up with his friend, she knew them from town...she couldn't handle the pressure either and not only dropped me as a bridesmaid, but didn't even have the common courtesy to call me and say "hey I just feel like it would be tough for you to be in the wedding and X due to the divorce being so close etc" I would have understood, instead she just slowly drifted away, stopped returning my calls and then that was the end of our friendship, we weren't just acquaintences we were college roommates, and I lived down the street from her and we talked on the phone at least 3 times a week and went out every saturday alone without our husbands and did a lot of stuff as couples. Years later, both her and her husband regret the way they treated me and often ask about me, but neither would extend the olive branch to apologize, apparently I was expected to do that as well. NAH!

When you go through a divorce, you shake the apple tree loose of the bad apples, if your friend cannot understand why seeing your exhusband at their party with his new girlfriend might effect you and the only thing she thinks about is you not coming to her party maybe she's not as good as a friend as you thought. Also, I wouldn't consider the friend you spoke to about that good of a friend either because obviously she went and blabbed to her. Why does she feel guilty because she enjoys doing things with your exhusband? Have you ever said that she should? If she feels guilty thats her putting that guilt on herself, I think this is what my friend did too...felt bad about doing stuff, so had to somehow break off the friendship with me so she didn't feel like she was betraying me, when all and all I knew they were always going to remain friends and never wanted them to choose.

Maybe your friend is too selfish to understand that YOUR divorce is about YOU and YOUR ex- husband and if she feels guilty thats on her, not you. She sounds as though she doesn't want to take any personal responsibility and wants to lay that at your feet, maybe she's not as good of a friend as you thought...this is usually when you find out, when you need them the most, do they bail?