How do you do the deed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
How do you do the deed?
4
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 5:57pm

How did you make that initial departure? Who left? How did you get them to leave, if you stayed?

Sorry, I accidentally posted that before finishing...

Basically I want the divorce (although he is pretty miserable also, he just has always been more free in this marriage than I have been and not cared about it as much, and I'm footing all the bills, so it follows that he isn't in much of a hurry to end it.)
I am going to have to pay him to leave because he has no money.

Problem is that we have a 7 month old. I am afraid of being a single mom. It will be helpful to have him around, even if he is just providing some extra arms now and again. We have a garage apartment, and I thought perhaps he could live there until he gets on his feet. I'm just not sure how to do all of this logistically.

My lawyer says make a clean break and get him out. I can see her point. Legally it would be beneficial to me b/c of community property issues.

I'm just wondering how people finally made the break. Did you move out? Kick him/her out? Did you live together for a while after the papers were filed? Any suggestions?




Edited 5/8/2006 6:01 pm ET by berkeleygal2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 7:26pm

I would agree with lawyer that making a clean break is a good thing. When my ex left last December, I kicked him out. We had agreed he'd stay until he found a place, but it was just not working and things came to a head. He has no job so what he would do is come back every morning to watch our daughter while I worked. This is why I say you need to just make the break. He was still here EVERY day. I still had the same amount of mess, food expense, electric and gas bills, only now I had to pay for it all because he wasn't technically living here. Plus just seeing him every single day drove me crazy.

It's a scary and tough adjustment, but I think you will be much more sane if you get him out. We have a studio in our back yard. Before he left for good, we thought perhaps he could stay out in that for a while until he got on his feet. It lasted maybe 2-3 days until he was leaving every night to go see his gf and I told him to get the hell out. It is really hard to try to live separately but closely.

I was terrified of him really being gone. I was scared to death I would fail, and the sky would fall, but you know what? It's been 4 1/2 months now, and while I still have a lot of anxiety that I'm learning to deal with, it's still a whole lot better than having him here. After the initial shock of him leaving, I felt lighter. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and the good, yet sad, thing is I don't miss him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:06pm
My advice is to separate. We lived in the same house (me in our bedroom and him in the bonus room on the pull out sofa) and it just caused so much stress. We basically lived separate lives, him playing on the computer and me taking care of the household. That made me angrier at him. THen he'd get angry if I didn't act "nice". He moved out April 1 after he bought a house. It was scary at first, but then I saw that it was basically the same as when he was here. I was pretty much alone then. Now I just have to find someone to mow, someone to watch the kids when he refuses, and we have to watch our money more. There's less stress and I don't have to see him ignoring me and playing mind games. Anyway, I think it'd be easier if someone moved out during the process. And you never know, a separation could lead to a positive change. Another thing that has worked for me was to get a legal separation. We had it all spelled out and he had to start paying support right away. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:46am
A word of advice. If you do divorce him don't expect that he'll be helpful with your child, especially if he's been less than reliable now. Most likely he'll go off and find another meal ticket.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:46am
I am recently separated. I moved out November 2005. I believe the best thing I did was make a clean break. It's hard enough to go through as it is. You don't need the added burden of having him under your nose when you're trying to get through this. Maybe a clean break will allow the two of you to relax enough to consider talking things out or going to counseling. And if it's past the point of no return, then a clean break is definately what you want. I'm no expert. But going through it alone is no fun either. This board is amazing. Keep your chin up!! Good luck.