How do you get proof?
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| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:11pm |
Hi all! I'm new to this board, but thought I would ask if any one had gone through this and had some advice.
I am going for sole custody of my 2 beautiful daughters (4.5 yrs and 19 months) and requesting supervised visitation because my husband is an alcoholic (even drove drunk with me and my daughters in the car) but never been caught, started taking drugs after I left him and has potentially been molesting my oldest daughter. There has also been emotional abuse (he's never hit me, but hit the wall and doors several times throughout our marriage and hit my mom), but we're not mentioning that as part of the divorce because the police were never called (no proof).
The problem I'm having is finding proof of the drugs and molestation. I called CPS about my daughter after my daughter disclosed that "daddy tickled her pee-pee", a couple other things and she started to exhibit sexual type behaviour that a 4 year old just shouldn't know. Unfortunately there is no physical evidence and stbx denies it, refuses to talk to the CPS detective or take the polygraph. Even got himself a lawyer the day after I told him about calling CPS, but didn't tell me about the lawyer until a month after I called CPS. I still don't know for sure that he did it, but based on what daughter is saying, it was him. Took her to a counselor, but her story about who did it changed while talking about it (if she would talk about it at all) so the counselor said that even though she believed something happened, daughter is too young to be able to give good evidence and there just wasn't enough proof about who or what. I'm taking her to a different counselor and so far she has refused to talk about it. I believe STBX is some how threatening her if she tells because she says "daddy says it's our little secret and I'm not supposed to tell you about it". I still can't believe my daughter had to go through anything like that...My only hope is that she is still young enough to not remember anything.
The drug use started earlier this year. He admitted to me that he was taking meth and/or cocaine, but I can't find any evidence. He's also very good at hiding it when he's drunk or high, so it's hard to tell when he is. But he hallucinates when he is high, so I usually can tell he is when he starts talking to other 'people'. He's usually in the house, so I don't have the opportunity to go in and do any searching.
My lawyer said that we can go for sole custody, but if it goes to court (if stbx contests it), I need to have proof of any of the above. I know that the level of proof is higher for criminal court, but how high is it for divorce court? And how do you find the proof?
He hasn't been served yet, so he doesn't know I'm going for sole custody and supervised visitation. I know that as soon as he finds out, he's going to go ballistic. But he will also get rid of any potential proof I can get.
Anyone have any advice?

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At least you have the DUIs to prove he's been driving while drunk. I don't even have that. I called his parents when he is usually high so they could take care of him, and he has told them he took drugs, but I seriously doubt they would be willing to come talk on my side. Others are his friends and I really don't know them at all.
I definitely believe my daughter. I was molested as a teen and I felt that I wasn't important enough to take care of when nothing was done to my molester and he was able to continue it for several years after until I finally decided not to put up with it any more. I didn't want to do that to my daughter.
It made me sick too. And still does. She's just a little girl! How can you find anything sexy about her?
Since I found out, he has not had unsupervised time with her, but I am usually the one who has to do the supervision. I don't want to have to do that anymore, because he's trying to manipulate me.
I'm just concerned that if I don't have proof of the molestation, he will clean himself up from the drugs and alcohol and get unsupervised visitation. Then she will be in danger all over again. And by that time, her little sister could be old enough to be of interest to him too. I want to find out what I can do to protect them for life!
Thanks for the ideas! I'll see what I can do.
I can get the large withdrawls until I moved my paycheck to my own account. When I confronted him with the large withdrawls, he claimed they were for business paying employees (he owns his own construction business so it is plausible) not drugs. Since moving my paycheck, he's been just cashing the checks and keeping the money so I don't have any tracking and I don't have access to any money for myself or the girls. Although it could be considered hiding money...
Unfortunately, in AZ, you can buy alcohol at KMart and the grocery store so there is no evidence of it actually being alcohol without the receipt. Nice for convenience, but not so nice to prove anything.
I did grab the computer last time he was out of town. Nothing on there, but did find him searching for cleaning your web activity and computer so he probably cleaned it out.
He's just too good at hiding! And he's paranoid to he extreme.
I am recording our conversations (it's legal in AZ as long as one of the parties to the conversation (me) knows they are being recorded). I'm hoping to get him to admit to the drug use on tape, but nothing so far. He's only ever admitted it to me in person so getting it over the phone is going to be hard. Not to mention, last time I searched the house for the drugs, I found phone recording equipment that he was using. So he probably won't say anything over the phone thinking that I'm recording him, but maybe if he's mad enough??
Any other ideas?
Ask your attorney to get a court-ordered drug test, some drugs stay in the body so long that they are detectible in urine for days or weeks even. Hair tests are extremely accurate but very expensive. Family law judges have all sorts of power to order stuff without "proof" here where I live, ask about it in your state. You can also make visitation contingent upon getting a breathalyzer installed on his car-judges can order that. It would help to prevent driving drunk. You can also buy hand-held battery operated breathalyzers you could keep on hand for on-the-spot testing if you suspect alcohol use when he's with the children. I'm certain that any competent judge would listen to your daughter's therapist's opinion that there may actually have been molestation.
I sure hope you think your attorney is very competent. He/she should know all about the level of proof you will need, true (and false) allegations of abuse/addiction are made in divorce court all the time! I think you're going to find that the burden of proof will be more on him than you. He'll have to prove to the court that your accusations are groundless. And most likely a custody evaluation will be ordered to be done by a professional. Has he admitted drug use to anybody besides you? Used with others?
I sure hope ya'll are not still living under the same roof!
Thanks for the great ideas!
Good news, today my daughter actually told the therapist about what happened! So far she has refused to talk about it to anyone outside the family, but I've been working with her to tell her 'secret'. I didn't go into what the secret is, just that she needs to tell the therapist so we can help protect her. The therapist said she believes it did happen because she did 'sexualized activities' while explaining what happened.
I just hope it's enough for the judge to prevent him from getting unsupervised visitation ever. I have a call in to my lawyer to find out the answer to that question. I know it's not enough to send him to jail, but it could be enough to prevent him from doing it to his daughters on any visitation.
That IS enough to get him convicted! It's called "performing lewd acts with a child under 5"! He CAN be arrested, and he SHOULD be!
He shouldn't be allowed alone with those kids for a second. If he's done it once, chances are he'll do it again! I would try to bring him up on charges. He shouldn't be touching your daughter like that.
I was molested by my father from the age of 5 to the age of 12. And I remember the first time like it was yesterday. I pray that your 4 1/2 year old daughter is not going to remember it, but it's possible. And don't count out the baby, he could be touching her too! And I'd say that it's happened on more than one occasion. You are a stay at home mom, right? Has he been left alone with the baby or 4 1/2 year old for more than 30 minutes? He's had opportunities. If you leave the room to clean, he had the opportunity!
I would have CPS do what they can to get him arrested/convicted of lewd acts with a child, then when it comes up in court, there will be no question about his supervised visitation. Good luck, and I'm praying for you and your daughters!
Josie
I have an open CPS case, and the detective is one of the first ones I called after she told the therapist, but I could only leave him a message. We had discussed in the past that the case may or may not be enough with just a disclosure from my daughter. He needs my X to come in and confess because there just isn't enough physical evidence (which he still refuses to do). And a 4.5 year old is not a completely reliable witness. I just hope it is something that can help put him away...even though I have mixed feelings about that too.
I work full time and the girls go to an in-home day care with a wonderful lady. We also moved out over a year ago after he hit my mom for trying to take my oldest daughter out of his arms to prevent him from driving drunk with her. I couldn't do it because I'd just gotten out of the hospital from an open appendectomy (almost as bad as a c-section because they open you up in the same way). When I reached for her I almost pulled my stitches out, so my mom did it. Any way, I told him the next day that we were leaving for a while since even though it was bad enough he hit my mom, it could have been me that he hit and that is not acceptable. We tried to work it out for a while, but after too much of his manipulation and set backs, I just refused to do it anymore. The molestation issue came up after he had taken the my oldest by herself overnight 2 different times. He no longer gets overnight visitation with either girl.
But he still gets visitation usually once a week that I usually supervise. But you are right, if I go to the bathroom, he has them by himself. I try not to leave the room at all. When we get to the actual divorce, I'm requesting supervision by a court person.
I haven't completely dismissed the baby, but she still wears a diaper and he has not been allowed to change her diaper since this came up. So the chances of anything happening are pretty slim (at least I hope so). And she's still pretty young to know if anything wrong is happening let alone talk about it. I just want to keep anything from happening to her so she doesn't have to even deal with it in the same way her sister is having to.
I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. It is really disgusting that anyone would do that to a little girl, but to have it be your father who you are supposed to trust... Hugs to you too!
I hate it that people in this world are so sick to do that to a child, much less another person. Women and children have always been victims of horrid people doing horrid things, and you can try everything in your power to prevent them, but sometimes they still happen.
As long as it's legal in your state, I would tape record EVERYTHING with him: visitation, phone calls, interactions, etc. and hope that he slips up and says something. True, a confession from him would be enough, and it's tough to take a 4 1/2 year old's word for it, but what she's telling the counselor and the way she's describing it as "daddy's secret" is just too coincidental! I know all about being told it's "daddy's secret" and being afraid to tell, that's tough for a young child to go through.
I just pray that either he confesses, the court takes the testimony from the counselor about your daughter's conversations, or that at the very least, he's never allowed unsupervised visitation.
I'm so sorry about what your daughter has gone through. I pray that she never has another encounter like that for the rest of her life, and I also pray that she has absolutely NO memory of what happened. Poor girl, I feel so bad.
Good luck!
Josie
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