How do you get rid of Fear
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| Sun, 07-02-2006 - 4:03pm |
Hi all! New here so i will give a short summary of my situation. I have been married for 15 years to an alcoholic who is verbally and mentally abusive and very controlling. We have three children 3,9, and 14. I have left or been left three times in our marriage. I could not hold a job during our marriage as when I would get one there would be some reason (his reason) why I had to quite--either he didnt like the hours, to many hours, not enough pay, could find a better one if i wanted to etc.etc. It was really bad if he realized i like the job and starting getting a few friends. During our marriage i had no friends and steered away from my family just so that i would not upset him and have to deal with what he had to dish out. I have been called every name in the book one can possibly think of, harrassed becouse I refused to find him a girlfriend or at least someone to have Sex with, I have been forced to do sexual things that I did not want to do (and not with him with his friends) so esentially I have been sexually abused by him as well (let me tell you that is the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about that little tid bit or even put it in writing for that matter, it is one of the things that i am the most ashamed of. I have been cheated on, lied to, and oh so much more. All of this behind closed doors becouse everyone (except for my family--who have seen little things hear and there through out the years and I have told them some things like the way he talks to me) Needless to say my self esteem, self worth, and whole way of thinking it an all time low last summer.
My kids are my world and i will and do do anything to protect them. Last summer he started in on the put downs with our oldest son and even got physical with him a couple of times. At that point, I knew I had to get myself and our kids out of that mess, if i didnt i really felt that I would end up in a mental institution or possible worse case take my own life just to get out.
I have always been very close to my family, i thank God for them everyday. I would not be where i am today with out them. I started planning last summer how i could get us out and had lots of help and support from my family. I got a job in October (it was really hard not to quite before i moved out on Feb 3), but I did it! On Feb 3 with the help of family we moved us out and into another house in 3 hours while he was at work as i was scared of what would happen if he knew what was going on. Last week on Wednesday my Divorce was final.
It has not been an easy road, as he decided to lawyer up and make it as difficult as possible for me. Tons and Tons of phone calls and nasty messages. Nasty one minute and begging me to come back and work things out the next. Even with final Divorce papers he is still not giving up. Says I will somewhere down the road come back. I shut the phones off after awhile which really gets him angry so he leaves all kinds of nasty threatening messages on the machine.
My delema right now is that even though I have come so far. I have gotton my GED, signed up to go to school in the fall, have a Disney World Vacation planned in Aug. with my three kids. Have gotton a couple of friends, gone to the drive in with the kids, bowling, parks, swimming, hiking (things my kids never really got to do before becouse I was scared of what would happen if I wasnt home at a certain time, gone to long, or drive to far). The fear was so great that i stopped going to family get togethers becouse I didnt know what i would come home to. Not to mention my kids and i lived in the basement of our house and got screamed at, yelled at, etc when we came upstairs--even to use the bathroom--we would sneak up and hope he didnt hear.
Anyway, the delema---Last week he was so nice, he even picked up the kids. He talked nice on the phone asked who all needed new bikes so he could get them, paid some of the back child support, wanted to know if we needed anything. I know he is just trying to worm his way back in, but it is still always in the back of my head--maybe he will change. I will never go back, but its still there the possibility--it is like he still has a little hold on me, like im hipnotized by him.
Last night the kids and i went to get fireworks and then bowling--he called as we were driving to the stand. talked to the kids who told him our plans. He says to me "you dont need to go bowling come over have beer with me and lets get this worked out, we can work it out if you would just give it a chance--you dont even try" I stood firm and told him that I was never going back and I am not coming over there. We went bowling and he called 10 times--a little nastier each time. Every time the phone rings my whole insides drop to the floor, cause it is still there, that fear of if i dont do what he says what is he going to do.
I do I get rid of the feeling, how do i not talk to him, as most everytime it upsets me.
Anyway---thanks for the little Vent--It actually feels good to have most of my past out of me instead of bottled up.

Wow!! Good for you. My xh of 20 years was also abusive physically, psychologically, verbally, and sexually. It is far from easy to get out. It took me 18 years to get out and another two years for the trial because he made it difficult, too.
It is always easy to grab any glimmer of hope. It is always better not to. He will not change, as you know.
The fear, for me, dimished more each time I stood up to him and said "NO!" The day I kicked him out was the most empowering day of my life. Then, each time he'd play games, I'd stand up and say no. It wasn't easy. I spent a lot of nights wondering if he was going to come to my house, try to gain entry, and try to kill me. It takes time. It takes courage. It takes using legal remedies when necessary.
My advice would be to keep him out of **YOUR** life as much as you can. Don't spend time with him. He has time with your children. Nothing you can do about that. But YOU shouldn't spend time with him. No going over to have a beer. Nope, nope, nope. None of that.
Know that he is going to go off the deep end when you start dating. Be prepared for that.
Use the court/legal system. Don't be afraid to apply for a TRO any time it is warranted. If he is harrassing you, report it. If he comes in contact with you and is verbally or physically assaultive- pushing, hitting, grabbing- apply for the TRO.
I wish you the best. Please keep posting!!
HUGS, and welcome. It sounds like you've started to develop a great life for yourself and your children. You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. You were abused, and there is nothing at all to be ashamed of. If anything, I applaud you for taking the risk of moving on with your life.
Now, on to your ex. I think it's time to use the legal system here. He is harassing you, plain and simple. If he calls and leaves harassing messages on your machine, you save it, call the police and make a report. If he calls 10 times, you also call the police. It's likely he won't even get arrested, but they will talk to him, and it will become a matter of record. That will help you if you need to file a restraining order down the road.
Hang in there! We hope to see more of you.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...
Thanks for the kind words and great advise. I am truly thinking i may have to use the legal system. Yesterday he called 25 times about every 10 minutes the phone rang. Didnt answer, I must say that I am proud of myself becouse it takes just about everything in me not to answer. Especially when he leaves a message each and everytime. The messages start off nice, then turn cold, then to things that he thinks i will call him back for, and then to threats....like if you dont call me back by 6:00 you probably wont be getting any child support for the next month or so becouse im moving out of state. (hes not, just something he likes to use becouse he knows that i think it is important that he see's the kids--for the kids not him)
So the kids got home from Grandma and pa's and called him to see what he wanted (bad mistake), he starts in telling them that he is moving and that they wont see him as much (they rarely see him now). How they wont miss him becouse they dont want to live with him etc. et. Trys to get them to give me the phone, they wont. So my 9 year old says Dad I have to go, I love you, bye....he says "if you hang up the phone on me it means you hate me now and i hate you too" I said just hang up the phone you said goodbye so its not hanging up on him. At any rate by the time he was done with the two of them they were so upset one was in tears and the other was so upset he couldnt even eat supper.
I thought that when the divorce got finalized he would give it up a little and realize that I was not going back this time. I think it is starting to get worse. Not to mention, how do I handle this with the kids? He gets them so upset and says such mean and childish things to them. I dont want them to have to keep doing that with him.
AAAAhh, he drives me nuts! On the bright side, work was slow today so I got off at 11:30 rather than 3:30 and dont have to be back until Wednesday. Thinking about driving up to the Omaha Zoo with the kids, only it pretty humid here today.