How do you get through the low spots?
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| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 2:15pm |
Week has been a bit of a roller-coaster and I'm feeling pretty low today. I've been fighting off bronchitis - maybe that's some of it.
Work has been stressful. My ds seems to be doing better, but I am having a hard time letting go of trying to figure out why the co-parenting relationship has gotten to be practically non-existent with the ex. I try to communicate with him and get virtually nothing out of him. I've been thinking maybe it's just me or maybe he is just too busy planning his wedding and can't be bothered to think about what our ds needs right now. Whatever the reason, it's incredibly frustrating.
I not feeling all that strong today. I feel so very alone most of the time. I sometimes wish things were very different in my life, but I know that a lot of the way things are is because of the choices I made. I *know* I would be much worse off if I was still married to the jerk. I am doing work I don't much like making hardly any $$ because the people are supportive there, they understand that I have a ds with special needs and they let me flex my schedule. Can't beat that. I know that right now I couldn't handle a job in my old career - it would be way too stressful with everything else I've got going on. I chose to work part-time so I could have more time with my son - who really needs me right now. I don't do too many things by myself these days because I don't want to be away from my ds. Last week he was crying so hard after he freaked out that I went outside without him and he told me he is still very afraid that I am going to just disappear out of his life - kind of like his Dad did.
Sometimes I worry maybe I'm not doing the right things and that I am not a very good person or a very good parent. I am fighting those thoughts as much as I can. What if I really am a bad person and a bad parent - like my ex says. I keep getting sucked back into how I felt when I was married to him and how he told me so often how I did so many things 'wrong' and that the trouble in the marriage was all my fault and how I believed so much of that - how I thought if I could somehow figure out what was 'wrong' with me, I could fix it and then he'd love me. And so then I find myself fighting those thoughts too. I tell myself that if *he* had been a better person, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me.
It's all so hard....today when I dropped off my ds at the ex's house, ds insisted he wanted to show me his puppet theater and the puppets he'd been making with his Dad and the gf. Ex said it was OK, so I went in. I hate going into his house - it is the house where so many awful, horrible things happened when I was married. But also the house I conceived my baby in, the house I brought my baby home to, where I nursed him in the living room and played with him in the sun room. Good and bad memories.
And I can see one of the gf's cats and see her stuff all over the place. My ds is happily showing me the puppets and I am thinking I am glad that he does have fun with them. But things are so neat and tidy and the ex seems to be such a reasonable guy now. And my life looks like a tornado hit it most of the time..... The gf actually said 'hello' to me - a surprise as she seemed to be doing her best to avoid me lately. I hope that the adults getting along will be helpful for my ds - and I do very much want to get along with them. Maybe I'm trying too hard???
But I walk out of there wondering how and why things got so bad when I was married to the ex? Why the he__ did I stay so long and try to make things work when it was so obviously a lost cause. Things look so good in his life now, how did he manage to do that in so short a time? It feels like this new gf is so much better than me. He said that she was really different from me, but I can see so many similarities, similar interests we both have....maybe its just a big difference in personality? So I feel like such a loser and start thinking maybe my kid would be better off if I had them raise him.
But then I am able to pull myself back from that....my son is so incredibly attached to me and relies on me so much. I know what it feels like to not have one's parents involved very much in your life when you're still just a kid - and I do not want him to experience that. I really feel like I've got to hold on and be there for my kid. That this is just a particular season in my life right now that is not going to last for forever. Right now so much of my time and energy is devoted to my son - because he needs me. I think I need to figure out whether maybe I am trying to do too much. I get so little help from the ex and from my family - it hurts. Who else is going to do what needs to be done? But I know I've got to take care of myself too!
I hope everyone else is hanging in there... Does anyone else go thru days where they doubt themselves and find themselves doing a 'tug-of-war' in their mind? It is just so hard to believe in myself sometimes when I think about what a big failure my marriage was.
Sometimes all I really want is just to have another adult in my life who'd be there to give me a hug and help me with some of this tough stuff. It hurts that my ex treated me so badly, was so nasty saying how maybe once our ds was a lot older then maybe other guys would be interested in dating me and yet he was somehow able to just find himself another gal so easily! He's off having fun most of the time and I'm doing all the hard work of raising our son. Why do they get off so easily!!!

Abby,
most of us on this board vascillate, on a consistent basis, regarding our parenting skills, comparing ourselves to EX or STBX's lifestyle, especially if there is a GF in the picture, as in my case, a skank GF my STBX has been seeing for 6 months now, etc. but in essence, it is not a contest. we do the best that we can do as single moms, and that is what makes us wonderfully human.
yes, you will have daze that your downs overpower your ups, but then the tides change, and your ups have the "upper" hand, so to speak.
hang in there, and continue taking baby steps. just know that you are NOT alone, i feel your pain, confusion, frustration, angst, and sadness. but also know that i share your joy, because this "is the meantime," and eventually, we will emerge as champions in our children's eyes, and in our own eyes, as we look into the mirror and say, "wow, we made it."
just know that, for the most part, men's behavior ususually doesn't change. and what keeps me sane is knowing that it took me 14 years to navigate through my STBX's controlling, emotionally distant behavior, before i said "enough is enough." these second GFs or wives, i have a feeling that they probably won't stick around as long as "we" did (first GFs or wives) once the "honeymoon" is over. and belive me, when men have responsibilities such as children they will always be attached to, coupled with getting older, and the emergence of their "good 'ole behavior", "reality" has a way of setting in quite quickly.
try not to worry that he's "moved on so quickly and is soooo happy without me and she's so much better than me." when you HEAL first, then move into a relationship, your reflection usually brings joy and reward; whereas when you mask your HURT by jumping into a relationship quickly before or after you divorce, reflection usually brings struggle and regret.
"looks" can be deceiving, so don't "look" at anyone at his time, especially your EXs' life, your DS needs you to "look" within yourself to support his needs and yours.
at this time, more than ever, cling to your courage, character, and conviction to sustain you, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
and, also, post, post, post, venting is some seriously effective medicine :)
hugs!!
Thanks for the kind words.....it helps!
You're right...I don't know that he really took the time to heal first and I know that I am most definitely taking my time to heal. Takes awhile for some of us.
I am not sure what'll happen - I realize that I want things to work out well - it's in my ds's best interests if things do. I want my ex to be happy - a lot of that is so that he'll leave me alone. LOL! I can relate to 'controlling, emotionally distant behavior' - I experienced that as well as verbal/mental abuse. I have been surprised how many other people posting here have seen that type of behavior.
At least the gf likes my son and is very nice to him. She is definitely not a skank - she seems to be a nice person. Can't ask for better than that, can you? I just hope he doesn't hurt her the way he hurt me..... I know she thinks she's got a pretty good guy and that she has a lot in common with him, but it's likely he has not changed much and won't be able to keep up the facade forever. I do hope that he really did work on himself like he said he did - and that he continues to do so.
I took some time this afternoon to think about what things are going 'right' and that also helped. I am glad that I can see I've made some progress. Baby steps, but it is progress! I know I have my son's best interests at heart and I also want to do right for myself, too. My goal is to someday be able to look back at these years and feel proud of all the growth I achieved, the things I accomplished, and also that I was able to dig myself out of the trap of feeling hurt and angry for the rest of my life because of what my ex put me through....I hope to shed the role of 'victim'.
Thanks again and I hope things go well for you!
hugs.... everyone goes thru low spots, even 'happily married' people. its a part of life. the trick is to be prepared, to know that the low spots are going to hit - and to learn hwo to 'go with the flow'.
the few things that i have learnt:
we have a limited amount of energy/time/patience. so - early on, i decided that i was going learn to conserve mine, not WASTE it. so - i stopped wasting my energy on HIM. my ex is who he is - i am not going to change him, and thinking about why he is the way he is just makes things worse. so - i have crossed him off my list of 'things to worry about' and i use *that* energy for ME.
i learnt to take super good care of myself. i recently joined a gym and started eating even more healthily (is that a word?) than before. (just got dr phil's weight loss book). even before, i was exercising, just not enuf. would i like to have a 'husband' to 'take care of me'? well, it would be nice. but its not realistic (actually, it would be nice to have a WIFE to take care of me, and i am not gay or anything, just there are things that women do better....). i can take care of myself - i make durn sure to eat properly and exercise enuf and that takes care of my immune system. whenever the flu is going around the office, i make sure to take some vitamins and echincea and it seems to help.
i learnt that nobody has a perfect life - even those people who seem to have it all. they don't. everyone fights, and gets upset, and everyone's 'perfect' husband leaves their towels all over the floor or whatever. my life is not perfect - but its fine for me. and i love my life, and my self right now.
I learnt that there is nothing wrong with asking for, and getting , professional help when you need it. after being put down by my husband for years, i needed the reassurance that i wasn't crazy, that i did know what i was doing.
I learnt that there are some wonderful people out there - friends, family - who will give a helping hand if you ask for it.
there is nothing wrong with you - you've been thru a difficult time. hang in there.
feeling very much the same way. I chose to leave my husband, so of course he got the house, the friends and my life that I loved. I just couldn't be in the marriage anymore. I had an affair, am still with the MM, he is seperated but kids make this more complicated for him. (a huge part of my guilt might I add). We live in different parts of the state so I see him the weekends he doesn't have the kids. So every weekend I am alone I wallow in my misery, wishing for someone to call me to go out. I am too embarassed to call a lot of people, and it's awkward when you had couples you were friends with and now you are one. This weekend I called 3 people, left messages - give me a call if you're around. And spent Sat night alone. I think it's probably good for me to think, be on my own and not bandaid my pain with another man. It's just hard to do it all weekend when I know my STBX is at a big blow out party with a group of people who used to be my friends too. But then, were they really my friends????
I think this is normal. I know this is normal. I go to my used to be house too to get things and I remember all the good times we had in this house. But I also know I was screaming inside for more, wanting something I wasn't getting. My STBX is a wonderful guy - that's what makes this worse - he cooks like a chef, cleans, fixes things, is in great shape, and is an overall nice guy. We just didn't have a relationship - we were very superficial living a life style, but not living a life with goals and dreams and hopes together.
My parents are divorced and I didnt' have a relationship with my dad. My mom was miserable, never remarried. I have no role model for my life. The best thing you can do for your son is to be happy, and to live your life how you want. In the end, that's what will make for a healthy child, happy child and later a happy life for him as he grows up. The Ex and his GF have a different relationship, he is a different person now and so are you. You have learned what you want, what you need. Your next relationship will be based on that. And hopefully you can find the love and relationship you want. Stay strong. You sound like a great mom that loves her son, and no matter what happens with his dad, you will be his mom.
Phillygirl
I hope you're feeling better today! There really must have been something in the air yesterday, because I was feeling the EXACT same way. Your sentence summed it up:
I was feeling so low yesterday, I really couldn't even bring myself to post. I'm the same way - even though I shouldn't't feel this way, it has a HUGE impact on me when my ex says or implies
I can totally relate to you. My xh got married in march to a lady with three children. Right after we got divorced he was never there for our kids but all of a sudden he is Mr. Dad. Our girls like going over there because there are other kids there. He moved on so quickly and easily and has that person there to help. He treated me so bad during our marriage and I stayed too long fighting a lost cause myself. What really gets me I guess is that he is trying to be Mr. Dad to her kids and doesn't put that much time into his own kids. He told me that he wouldn't take our girls to their soccer games on his weekend because his kids wanted to play too and couldn't so it wasn't fair to them. First of all, "his kids?" Are you kidding me? He dated the girl for 6 months and married her. I am working 3 jobs to keep the house that we had when we were married and still be able to provide things for my girls. I just don't like how it seems he puts his step-children in front of his own kids. Now, last time i posted on this message board, some lady came out getting all angry with me for talking about my xh's new wife. She was saying how "you might not know the whole situation." ok...WHATEVER...I know what I know. The thing is, I like his new wife, she is very nice and caring...no problems with her or the kids for that matter. It is just him and his hypocritical ways.....UGH!!!! I look at it like this mostly....he is her problem now. I just don't want my kids to be short changed. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that two of the step-kids are boys...my xh is a boys boy and always wanted boys. I don't know...I am sick of trying to figure it out!!!!
christie : )