How do you handle the disappointed kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
How do you handle the disappointed kids
11
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 8:34am

I have been reading a lot of your posts and see that so many are dealing with the same issues I am so I decided to come out of lurkdom to ask how you handle your kids' dissapointment when their fathers become totally uninvolved.

My 3 kids are 12, 9 and 5. My stbx was never THAT involved but at least his body was here most nights. When we separated last March he made a feeble effort to see them somewhat regularly but was so involved with his (now ex) gf (who happens to live across the street from us) that when the Court ordered that they not be exposed to any "paramours" until our divorce becomes final he began seeing them less and less. About a month ago he moved to NJ. We live in SC. Since then he came home one weekend (he had to be in court for a matter not related to our divorce) and kept the kids all weekend. My 5 year old actually came home Sunday in the same clothes he left in on Thursday, telling me I should buy Daddy some food because he doesn't have ANY in his apartment! During that weekend visit, the kids had an awesome time, and he asked me to please have them call him at bedtime so he can say "good night" to them. Well, they have been calling and calling, leaving message after message, some just to say good night, some to share exciting news, whatever. And I don't believe he has spoken to them more than twice the whole time. They have probably left him over 15 messages between the 3 of them!

They don't talk about this with me. Usually my 12yo dd will take the phone into her room at bedtime, and come right back out looking sad. I have asked her if she's calling her father, and she tells me yes, just left him a message. My younger boys will wonder out loud why Dad never has his phone on, but not specifically why he doesn't return their calls. I feel like he is just leaving this life behind, and moving on in NJ. He also doesn't pay his CS and I think part of the reason he doesn't call is he's afraid of getting me on the phone. Because he's in a different state I have little recourse as far as collecting the $$ though.

I worry about my kids in the short term, but also in the long term. How can my 12yo dd ever develop a healthy relationship with a man, when her father is such a disappointment to her. How can I make her understand that she cannot accept being treated this way, without bashing her father and ruining any feelings she has for him? As bad as he is, he IS her father and I want her to love him. At the same time, how do I teach my boys that it isn't acceptable to treat his family this way. I feel like I'm walking a fine line because while I don't want to speek poorly of their father I want them to know not to be like him or accept someone who acts like him.

I hope that makes some sense, it is kind of long and rambling!

I would appreciate any advice. It kills me to see my kids being hurt day in day out and I just don't know what to say or do for them.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 9:13am

Hello ~ I am also in the same situation ! I guess the best advice I can give - be the "best you" that you can be. No matter what the hurt and disappointment is - the children know everything that's going on - no matter how you try to protect and sheild them.

I filed for divorce in February 2004, something we agreed on. However, we tried one more thing. After two months of the "intense" marriage classes/therapy, nothing was differnet. He agreed to move out but that didn't happen. He started drinking more and unknown to me at the time, doing drugs. In July 2004, he decided to quit drinking/drugs. The damage was done. His abusive language, behavior and words, put the children on edge and our household was in upheave!! In August 2004, we went to court to find out who got to stay, the kids etc. I was awarded physical placement of the kids and we tried to work out an agreement with their schedules. He was showing up at the house unexpected all the time, going through my stuff, interegatine the kids and the list goes on. Well, it is mow May 2005 and the contested divorce date is July 8, 2005. SO many obstiacles and he's not cooperative.

Three children - 15 and 13 year old girls and one son, 9. He sees his son every other weekend and Tuesday nights. BUT he has nothing to do with the girls. He complaons because they are to much their mother and they aren't doing this and they are not doing that, etc ... They cry and share the hurts feelings. It's at the point that they don't want ANYTHING to do with thier dad !!! I tried talking to him, his lawyer tried, the courts and gaurdian ad litem. He feels the girls are the ones that need to do the talking, etc. Like I said, he's the father and adult so please act like one .....

Just listen to the kids, remind them that you love them on a daily basis and give lots of hugs (even if they don't like it) Keep your opinions of their dad to yourself. In the future, the children will see what he's really like. It's very hard and you are not alone !!

How are you handling all of this? Take care and stay strong !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 11:57am

>>>How can my 12yo dd ever develop a healthy relationship with a man, when her father is such a disappointment to her.<<<

Read the book "Wounded Woman" for her sake, it might help you help her figure this out as she grows up. At some point she will benefit from seeing a therapist to work through some of her feelings.

>>>I feel like I'm walking a fine line because while I don't want to speek poorly of their father I want them to know not to be like him or accept someone who acts like him.<<<

My mom always told us our father loved us but he had some limitations that kept him from being there and being a good father. I don't remember how she said it exactly, but that was the message we got. Still, it's impossible for children to really believe it's not about them, they always end up thinking that they can somehow be different and then dad would be there. Having one good parent does help, and when they are ready, therapy helps a bunch too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 3:14am

hi and hugs. i will share some of my thoughts and experiences. my son is now almost 19

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 9:39pm
Very well put and THANK YOU !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:25pm

"Three children - 15 and 13 year old girls and one son, 9. He sees his son every other weekend and Tuesday nights. BUT he has nothing to do with the girls. He complaons because they are to much their mother and they aren't doing this and they are not doing that, etc ... They cry and share the hurts feelings."

Those poor girls...your post made me feel really sad. I think my ex is extremely LAZY and somehow out of sight is out of mind, but he is not spiteful toward the kids. I feel so sorry for you and what your family is going through.

How do your girls handle the rejection? They are such an impressionable age.

My kids and I are really close, our home is a happy one and we do a lot together. I know they feel safe and loved at home, I just worry how they will develop relationships later in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:32pm

Thanks to everyone who answered. You all offered great insight, and I guess all I can really do is stay positive, stay focused on my kids, and keep the lines of communication open, all of which I have always done...I was always a SAHM. My kids are amazingly together and confident, and doing well in most areas. It's really the future I worry about, how to do the most I can to see that my dd doesn't end up with an alcoholic, and that my boys don't end up selfish slobs like their dad.

Good luck to everyone on this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:27pm

I'm glad you got some good advise. I don't know that I really have anything new to add except that for the younger kids, the bookstore has some amazing books on explaining and dealing with divorce. Sad, but they have a while secion on it. The kids are going to be hurt, angry, sad, you name it. All you can really do is listen to them and it sounds like you're doing exactly that. Make sure they know that YOU are always there for them and always will be. My husband and I started the divorce procedure 4 years ago and reconsiled. He changed for a short time but is going right back to the way he was so we're heading quickly down that divorce path although neither one of us has officially asked yet. I know all this is coming with my kids (ages 7, 5, and 2) and I'm NOT looking forward to it. Like you said, their father isn't really part of their lives right now, but at least he's a warm body at home (and that's ALL he is). And my 7 and 5yo will definately be able to tell the difference between "Daddy's not home much" and "Daddy no longer lives with us". Doesn't it break your heart? I'm a sahm too. I'll just have to love them as best I can. Huge hugs to you. You sound like such a wonderful mom, they are lucky that you love them so much. At least they've got that going for them. Huge hugs to you!

~Pepper

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:58am
Maybe it is a mixed blessing. What I do with my kids is that I don't make excuses for their father, but I don't protect him anymore either. I used to make up reasons for why he was not around, but anymore I just let it be by telling them that their Dad loves them, but he just sometimes does not make the best decisions. I know what you are going through. It is hard, but like I said, maybe it is a mixed blessing for him not to be around as much. Good Luck, Casey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 1:23am
You know what? This is too hard to do on your own. The only way to do this is thru counseling. Because it is a deep issue and will take a long time to deal with and heal. And they need to sort out their feelings openly with someone who can take an objective stance. Don't forget they might not want to share all of their feelings with you now so as not to burden you or make you dislike their father. Just do whatever you can in getting them the counseling they need, and I think they will be grateful in the end that you did.
As for your X, speak to him one day on the phone (if you are trying to obtain cs, naturally you need to go to the right sources to get help with this), but if you are not asking for that, then tell him to please call consistently, on the same days and at the same time, so the children know what to expect. Tell him that it is very important for their development to have a stable relationship with him. And, if the kids want to talk to him on days that are not scheduled, ask him if that's ok. If it's not, and he's not home at that time or whatever, then you can gently tell the children that he is not able to be at the phone at that time, but he will speak to them on the regular days. Of course, you need to tell your X that there has to be a way to contact him for more urgent matters. Your children just need reassurance from their father that he still deeply loves them and is devoted to them. By him being consistent, he can do that. The instability of his contact will hurt them more than him being far away geographically. If he is a fairly decent person, he will do this. He must know that the kids need him more than ever and he is still a dad even though he is many miles away.
As far as cs goes, is there no way to obtain it even though the other parent is in a different state? It doesn't make sense, it's not like he disappeared in another country somewhere. He is able to be located. Anyway, find out if there is something you can do about this, if you want cs from him.
If your husband still makes promises and does not stick to them, then they will need to sort this out with a counselour. As long as they have a place to vent their feelings, they will be able to get a better handle on this in the long run. But maybe this is just happening now, in your husbands' excitement with his new girlfriend (rolling my eyes now). Perhaps once he settles in more in his new life, he will go to more lengths to be there for his children.
Lots of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 2:21am
BTW - I just thought of something. If your X has a fairly decent girlfriend, she will encourage the relationship between your X and your children. A significant other can make a big difference in the relationship a man has with his kids. She will respond kindly to the phone calls and make sure that she conveys the messages to your X. I hope she is a decent person. And it is not 2:14 am here it is 11:14 pm and I am living on the west coast. Just wanted to mention!
The other posters who had said that you should not make excuses for your X are right. But, in the beginning, try as much as you can to communicate to your X how important this relationship is. Then, take it from there.

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