How do you handle the disappointed kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
How do you handle the disappointed kids
11
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 8:34am

I have been reading a lot of your posts and see that so many are dealing with the same issues I am so I decided to come out of lurkdom to ask how you handle your kids' dissapointment when their fathers become totally uninvolved.

My 3 kids are 12, 9 and 5. My stbx was never THAT involved but at least his body was here most nights. When we separated last March he made a feeble effort to see them somewhat regularly but was so involved with his (now ex) gf (who happens to live across the street from us) that when the Court ordered that they not be exposed to any "paramours" until our divorce becomes final he began seeing them less and less. About a month ago he moved to NJ. We live in SC. Since then he came home one weekend (he had to be in court for a matter not related to our divorce) and kept the kids all weekend. My 5 year old actually came home Sunday in the same clothes he left in on Thursday, telling me I should buy Daddy some food because he doesn't have ANY in his apartment! During that weekend visit, the kids had an awesome time, and he asked me to please have them call him at bedtime so he can say "good night" to them. Well, they have been calling and calling, leaving message after message, some just to say good night, some to share exciting news, whatever. And I don't believe he has spoken to them more than twice the whole time. They have probably left him over 15 messages between the 3 of them!

They don't talk about this with me. Usually my 12yo dd will take the phone into her room at bedtime, and come right back out looking sad. I have asked her if she's calling her father, and she tells me yes, just left him a message. My younger boys will wonder out loud why Dad never has his phone on, but not specifically why he doesn't return their calls. I feel like he is just leaving this life behind, and moving on in NJ. He also doesn't pay his CS and I think part of the reason he doesn't call is he's afraid of getting me on the phone. Because he's in a different state I have little recourse as far as collecting the $$ though.

I worry about my kids in the short term, but also in the long term. How can my 12yo dd ever develop a healthy relationship with a man, when her father is such a disappointment to her. How can I make her understand that she cannot accept being treated this way, without bashing her father and ruining any feelings she has for him? As bad as he is, he IS her father and I want her to love him. At the same time, how do I teach my boys that it isn't acceptable to treat his family this way. I feel like I'm walking a fine line because while I don't want to speek poorly of their father I want them to know not to be like him or accept someone who acts like him.

I hope that makes some sense, it is kind of long and rambling!

I would appreciate any advice. It kills me to see my kids being hurt day in day out and I just don't know what to say or do for them.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:32am

Yes - the whole situation is very sad. The girls are in therapy with a counselor that they connect with. Which I am greatful for. They do talk to me but I can't and don't always have the answers. I did purchase a few books that relate to our/their situation and leave them lay around. That way it's not like forcing it on them and they can read through the pages if they want and on their own terms. Which I know they have ... It does upset all of us when my son/their brother is gone for the weekends. We do miss him! However, there is an anger between the 13 year old daugter and son. He takes a lot of anger out on her. He's in therapy and has been learning to control himself. Basically he's angry at me (mom). His dad talks and refers to me in a poor manner.

On weekends when he's with his dad - the girls and I go for walks, do pottery, hang out at the bookstore. We also spend the days outside doing yardwork, housework, etc. I think this makes them feel extremely important in the family. The kids have a wonderful aunts, uncles and grandpatents, not to mention friends. There is a lot of love in our home and a very safe feeling for them.

Best wishes to all -

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