How Do You Just STOP?
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| Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:44am |
I have been seperated from my husband since October. I moved out in hopes of him and I growing as individuals but still staying close enough to grow in a way that we could see eachother flourish. Well it backfired in a very bad way.
I have come here every day, read the posts, and I don't see my relationship with my husband in any of them. We actually loved/love eachother but too much B.S. got in the way and now we are in such a bind and a mess that I cannot see a way out of it.
He summoned me with divorce papers nearly a month ago. He has cut me off from all monies. I no longer have a car.......I could go on, but it just makes him look like the bad guy when in truth we are both the bad guys. We BOTH became careless and wreckless with our relationship and our family and now here we are....apart and hurting.
I am an intuitive person and I know when love has died inside of me and this love is not dead. He won't even admit to that much out loud, eventhough he knows it's the truth. But still, he wants to leave me. There is no other woman, we were never physically abusive towards eachother (save one episode on my part....long story) verbally abusive, we always slept in the same bed "together" at night, we were always affectionate. But I allowed the little things to mound into one big thing and overrun me. And now here I am.....getting a damn divorce that I DO NOT want.
Together we have 4 wonderful children. 12 years of marriage. 12 years of growing together and sometimes seperate. Fighting and struggling at times for our love for eachother and always making it. But now he's tired. In the meantime, my passion for our love builds and our family builds and I have no place to begin a foundation accept on divorce papers.
I have built my life and dreams with this man since I have been 20 years old. I do not know how to imagine my life without him. I do not want to spend my holidays splitting our kids between us, arguing over who gets who on what birthday...etc.
Please, someone tell me how to begin to STOP!? I desperately need to find a way to let go of him so I can go on living.
To some of you this post may appear to be co-dependent. But it's not like that. There are no words to describe what this man means to me.
I know in my heart that once I let go, I will never love another man the way or to the magnitude that I love this man. I am lucky to have loved this much at all. Let alone to have it reciprocated. But for as much as I know that, I also know it's time for me to let go......I just need to learn how to do so. Please, someone help me learn how.
Rhiannon

Hugs to you sweetie.
I think the key advice I can give is never say never. I read your post and feel your pain..... I know exactly what you mean when you say that you will never love another man. But I said that too..... and I am with someone else now of whom I love with all my heart.
I think a lot of us fall in love with our everyday routines. We miss those routines and are afraid of anything "new". The truth is, the new-ness and the not knowing what will happen can be the most exciting time of your life.
If you never say never and remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason... you will be ok.
No one can tell the future, I know you feel like you KNOW it's the end and you will ALWAYS feel the way you do...... but people change, situations change and EVERYTHING happens for one reason or another.
Take care of YOU. Get some help, I agree that unbiased people can help GREATLY.
Hugs,
Angelena
Thank you all for your replies. I sat down a few times to reply back to you but had to sit down and think about what you all had said. Now that I have had time to digest your thoughts, I'm back. :o)
Yes, we agreed to seperate because we wanted/needed things between us to change. But we weren't trying to change eachother per se. We both wanted to improve ourselves. You know what I mean? It just got all out of control and wacky (mostly on my part in the beginning) and in an unfortuanate turn of events....it set a horrible pace for us and sped us straight into divorce court. Yuck!
In answer to the biggest question in your mind (lol) no I didn't cheat on him, I just needed some space and he kept on crowding me. The more he crowded the harder I pushed (pushed sometimes equaled to partied) and he couldn't bear it (understandably).
As far as therapy goes, I have a therapist and he is wonderful. Without him I don't know if I could've even made it this far without ripping the hair out of my follicles. He has a way of posing those unbiased questions to me that get my mind turning. Unfortunately for me, my therapist and I both realize that I do indeed love this man for just about all the right reasons and only a few of the wrong ones. The wrong ones aren't even bad ones....just comfort zones....lifestyle type things. But for the most part....I love him for who he is and he has always made me want to be the woman that I am.
You know what I feel like? Like a damn teenager in high school who is totally lovesick over an upperclassman that she can't have. Accept with this guy when I look in his eyes....it's the same eyes looking back at me as the day I married him. He's being a moron. Because I was a moron. *drooping shoulders*
I need a board sorta like this but sorta like how to save my marriage too. I don't know whats going to happen. When I tell myself it's over, it sounds so WRONG to me that I cannot believe it. I say it to myself all the time and I can't even cry over it because I can't believe it's true. It's not even that I won't, I don't think. I just can't.
I dunno I'm rambling. All I really wanted to say was thankyou. :o)
I'm sure I'll be back with more questions on how to make it through my next rough day. Hopefully some day I'll be able to give something back to a few of you as well.
Peace,
Rhiannon
Rhianon:
You certainly do sound like someone who is in love with her h and maybe you need to tell him exactly what you told us...have you both been to a marriage counselor? Do you believe that he still loves you? If so, then there is hope!
I don't know where you are from, but I know that in my state, if one person is against the divorce than the court will order marriage counseling. Is that something that you are willing to do? Is He?
Don't give up and ask him not to. Both of you sound like you should be with each other and the fact that you still love him is a very good sign...don't give up!
Hugest of hugs and good luck to you!
Melanie
P.S. BTW, you have a very beautiful name! I love it! It reminds me of the old Fleetwood Mac song "Rhianon".