How do you keep perspective...
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How do you keep perspective...
| Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:27pm |
...and not become a bitter hag? I got phone call today from a mutual friend of ours. She warned me to change my voicemail password because he's been listening to my messages when he comes to pick up our son...AND he got me pregnant while he was sleeping with his current girlfriend whom he is now cheating on...AND the reason he's fighting me so hard for joint custody and maximum visitation is because he doesn't want to "pay thru the nose" (i.e. child support). Seriously- how do you be the bigger person when what you really want to do is tell him where to go and nail his butt to the wall any way you can?
Edited 8/7/2005 10:40 am ET ET by jrpierce8
Edited 8/7/2005 10:40 am ET ET by jrpierce8

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First you protect yourself, and change your voicemail.
Second you ask yourself if fighting against joint custody will be in your children's best interests. Most children do better with both parents actively involved in their lives. Also, if all he ends up with is weekend time then he's just gotten out of all the responsibility that comes with parenting, like staying home with sick children, waking up early and packing lunches, doing homework, dealing with all the frustrations that come with the morning and evening routines. He will have about 80% of his life to move on, date, exercise and do pretty much whatever he wants. You will only have 20% of your life to move on and have adult activities. When he has the children it will be all fun time, which will create an imbalance you will always be fighting against.
If he's abusive and a danger to the children, then you fight for everything you can get and make him pay through the nose for child support. But the important thing is not the money. Even if he's motivated by not paying all the money to you, he will have to pay more for things when he has the children because he will have to cover food and pay for eating out if he doesn't want to cook and more driving the children around to activities, he'll pay more if he has them more. He'll still have to cover his portion of extra costs like childcare and extracurricular activities. He probably isn't thinking about that side of it. And if your income is a lot less than his, he'll still be paying child support.
And finally you just let yourself be the bigger person because it makes it easier to go to sleep at night.
Well, that's why I said if he's abusive or a danger to the child....
No, it's not going to be helpful to have his father raising him a good chunk of the time if he's going to use PAS, teach your child bad words and not take his parental responsible seriously. However, as some who had a drug addict for a father, that man is still his father and he will be an important person in your son's life no matter what you do. If you know he cannot at all raise your child (not just that he does things differently or you disagree with some of what he does, but he's truly not got his child's interests in mind) then no, you don't agree to joint custody. You can still be the bigger person. My mom did it. She forgave a man that cheated her and left her with two children and no way to support them, then he went on to do drugs in front of her children, almost kill himself and then really killed himself. Through all of it she acted in a way that recognized our father was an important person to us, and she never surrendered to being bitter and resentful. The result was she raised two very strong and very lucky children and she led a happy life herself.
To me 'best interests of the child' means looking at the situation from the child's perspective in addition to your own and making decisions that you know are right for the child even if it's not 100% what you want.
I agree wholeheartedly with first...
Your love for him is nothing to you now but your children's love for thier father is everything to them. My parents divorced when I was young, my mother never said a bad word against him. He disappeared from the picture 3 years later. When I was 23 he came back into my life. I was able to do that until I got to know him better in a more adult fashion. My trust was gone, my love for my "father" was still there.
This part is the toughest part of divorce.
Good luck to you.
Kelly
Hey, Pierce. It sounds as if "best interest" is on your mind already, and you've got a good point. While you can't make the ultimate decision, you can present your opinion of what is in his best interest to the court. And BTW, I agree with you. Some parents care enough to coparent - I think firstamendment has shown us how joint custody can work. Others just want to tear the world apart starting with their own children and ex-spouse. You know better than we, the judge, or family services what will help or harm your child.
If you have any doubts or concerns over what you ought to ask for vis-a-vis custody & visitation, you may ask to have a Guardian ad Litem appointed for your son. Talk with your lawyer if you have one.
Best of luck and just protect yourself any way you can. Document this and let your legal folks know.
Edited 8/5/2005 9:55 pm ET ET by jrpierce8
>>>I don't want to keep them apart but I desperately want to protect my son.<<<
I think this is one of the hardest situation a parent can ever face. Dealing with it and getting through it aren't easy, there are lots of grey areas and the law doesn't always work the way it's supposed to. I can only tell you how my mom did it, and that was she balanced safety with the importance of the relationship. She didn't demand zero risk when we were with him, she never would have gotten that. She did keep open communications with him and she did make reasonable requests he could comply with. It certainly could have worked out worse than it did, but the fact she did not stand in his way when he wanted to see us also meant it turned out to be the best possible situation we could have hoped for. But she didn't have to face a fight for joint custody either, and I think she would have fought against it. I'm pretty sure my sister and I would not have done as well if we had spent 1/2 our time with a drug addict. A few months in the summer was a pretty good situation all around.
>>>I want to believe my STBX wants to have a relationship with our son for the right reasons- not because he doesn't want to pay a lot of child support.<<<<
There are so many emotions and legal issues tied to this statement for me. I struggle with it a lot because in my case I am the one that pays support. In many respects I hate it. I wish that we would each take care of dd when we had her and leave it at that. I feel he has a masters degree from an ivy league school and he should figure out how to make more money if he wants more money. On the other hand, if I was a man I would get flamed from here to the sun for having that view, and I don't want to (and don't) shirk my legal responsibility just because I'm a woman and people don't expect me to have to be the one to pay.
In reference to your statement, I also think custodial parents have to be sure they are fighting for sole physical custody for the right reasons, and not so they will get a good child support payment. It works both ways and there really is no 'right' answer. In my case if my ex had a more 'traditional' custody arrangment (every other weekend with dd instead of 50/50) then he would be paying me. It would work out that way because I'd have her 80% of the time or so and he'd be legally obligated to cover some of the cost of raising her (I make 60% of our combined income, so he'd have to pay me roughly 20% of the states estimate of what it costs to raise my dd). On some level I think it's all pointless. If I had my dd more, the only expense that would really go up for me is food, gas a little bit and maybe some entertainment costs, yet all of the sudden I'd be getting child support instead of paying it. I'd have the same rent, the same daycare costs, the big expenses would not change. My ex would still have to have a two bedroom place whether dd is there 1/2 time or a few days a month, his big expenses wouldn't change much either. I know my ex's budget, he could afford to stop taking my child support (most of it goes to dd's school to cover his share of daycare costs) but he could not afford to be paying me. I know my budget, and I do okay (not great, but okay) with what I have to pay. In general child support should ensure the child has somewhat of a similar standard of living in both homes, and our situation does that so I try not to complain too much Although I'd like to own a home again, and I could do that a lot faster if I didn't have to pay him and pay his share of other expenses, but I don't necessarily think the way it worked out is horribly unfair.
But after all that money stuff, the whole reason I agreed to joint physical custody was that I knew my dd would benefit from having her father actively involved in all aspects of her life. I wanted her to have that because I didn't have that, and I longed for that more than I can put into words. I think she's got to be one of the luckiest children in the world because her father loves her and wants to be with her as much as possible. Her father comes to her parent teacher conferences. Her father would never miss a school event and takes her to roughly 1/2 her gymnastic lessons. Her father was the first father to volunteer to be 'library mom' because dd asked him to (the kids in dd's class talked about that one all week the first time he did it). I don't agree with everything he does, he feeds her too much junk, he lets her fall asleep on the couch while he plays video games, he's always short on money and dd knows it (she has witnessed him try to take money out and there was none there to take out), he has the really good car seat I bought in the trunk and the just okay one is the one she rides in, earlier this year he drove for months with a bad muffler and it was literally inches from the ground until his mom came for a visit and then suddenly he got it fixed (thanks mom), he pretty much buys her a new barbie any time they pass near a retail establishment just because she wants one, and he is often delinquent in giving her the allowance he agreed to. Even though I disagree with a lot, he loves her and that is what I want her to grow up with.
If you are still reading at this point, I'm done babbling now. That is probably way more than you want to have to read about my life and my opinions :)
You always say it like it needs to be said.
Yeah, it is so tough to be the bigger person, but speaking from experience it is easier in the long run. Because you don't have to stoop to his level.
Everytime my dear xh opens his mouth or takes some kind of stand on anything, I'm more sure of my decision to leave him and get the kids as far away as legally possible.
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