How do you keep perspective...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
How do you keep perspective...
16
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:27pm
...and not become a bitter hag? I got phone call today from a mutual friend of ours. She warned me to change my voicemail password because he's been listening to my messages when he comes to pick up our son...AND he got me pregnant while he was sleeping with his current girlfriend whom he is now cheating on...AND the reason he's fighting me so hard for joint custody and maximum visitation is because he doesn't want to "pay thru the nose" (i.e. child support). Seriously- how do you be the bigger person when what you really want to do is tell him where to go and nail his butt to the wall any way you can?


Edited 8/7/2005 10:40 am ET ET by jrpierce8

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 10:26am
To be honest, I never understood how they calculate child support. Can't I just tell the court I only need help with day care?
It seems that communication with him is what will be important. We're not there yet (we can't have a conversation without him cussing me out- I won't let him manipulate me anymore) but I hope to be in that place someday...soon. I need to find some trust for him and that's so hard to do; I know what he's capable of. And I stopped counting how many times during my pregnancy he told me he never wanted a baby. It's hard for me to believe his motives are sincere. But you're right, I can't stoop to his level...I have to sleep at night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 10:38am
Child support is complicated, and it varies by state. What state are you in? I personally wouldn't say you only need help with daycare. I'd see what the state calculation works out to and then go from there. Is your income a lot different than your STBX's? How is your budget looking now without child support, or are you getting some? How old is your child?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 5:35pm
I live in AZ. Our son is 8 weeks. I go back to work the day after Labor Day. STBX brings home about $600 more per month than me- much more if he works overtime. But he doesn't pay the health insurance and the rent on his new apartment is significantly less than mine. I found a really good home day care provider thru a friend. Although she charges much less than a day care center (e.g. Tutor Time) I won't be able to afford it all; I'll be able to pay all my bills but there won't be anything left for food and gasoline. Plus my rent will be going up $60-80/mo if I chose to renew my lease. He hasn't helped with anything and hasn't offered to. He's bought things for the baby to keep at his place. One weekend, the baby spit up on his clothes and STBX put him in an outfit he had bought and said, "Make sure you wash that and send it back with him next weekend because I paid for that." As if I'm going to wear it? I look at my son's things (swing, bouncy seat, clothes, etc.) as HIS. What good are they to me without my son?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 5:48pm

Have you filed for any child support? I would do that now, you need money for food and gas! If you agree to some different kind of custody arrangement later, you can always adjust the child support now, but you do have the right to get temporary child support in the meantime and since you know he's not going to offer, go to the courthouse and get the paperwork and get that process started if you haven't already.

I'll see what I can find out about the AZ child support calculation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 6:09pm

Here's a link to a calculator for AZ: http://www.supreme.state.az.us/childsup/ Step three has a link to the support guidelines, which I recommend reading. Online calculators can be helpful, but they can also be way off from the actual calculation.

You said before that you just want help with the daycare costs, but it is very likely that is just want the child support will be. If you get it calculated and it's too high, you can always agree to a lower amount. But from the way you've described your baby's father, I'd request the courts to enforce the calculated amount, then I'd go to him and say I'd agree to a lower amount under certain conditions the first being he treats you with respect and acts like a co-parent not an independant third party, and then only agree to a change if he demonstrates he is capable of those things. If not, then there is no reason not to continue collecting the full state calculated child support obligation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 6:30pm
Thanks for the link. I'll check it out. He'll have a fit no matter how much he's ordered to pay and I'll never hear the end of it regardless.

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