How do you know it's the END?
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| Thu, 04-07-2005 - 8:27pm |
I've been in a relationship just shy of two years. I have a beautiful 11 month old from this union. My question is as it says in the discussion title, when do you know it is the end. How much should one put up with for the sake of love. Half the time we're together it's like heaven, a quarter of the time it's like hell, and the rest of the time, I just don't know where we stand.
I'm the main bread winner at the moment. I am lucky enough to work for my parents. Which means that I am able to take my daughter with me. Sometimes when I come home from work, he isn't there. He hasn't left a note about where he will be. This pisses me off. I'm the one working and taking care of our child at the same time. But to him, I'm just bitching and trying to control his friendships. He doesn't understand that at the end of the day all I want is for him to be there. I try to explain but he seems to not comprehend any of my thoughts.
When ever, we argue he'll say, " we have nothing in common, I don't know why we're together." Does he not realize how much that hurts me. I've told him to leave if he wants to but he never does. Does that mean he loves me or is he just afraid of losing his daughter?
Lately, I just don't know what to do. Should I wait and see what will happen or should I end the relationship before it could possibly turn ugly?
Any advise will help.
Thanks for reading.

When you know, you know. When you don't know, but you know it's not right, that is when you go to marriage counseling.
Having a baby is so hard on a relationship. That first year is the worst (and the best). It seems like you both might have unfulfilled expectations of what this 'should' be like. Sometimes the things that piss you off are just you assuming he's doing something for the wrong reasons (intentionally not being supportive), so you get angry, he doesn't really see the real issue (you *need* him) and all along he's thinking that your complaining and it's not really a big deal (when it is). Miscommunication has to be one of the most common problems in a marriage.
You take the baby to work, and then who is doing most of the baby care the rest of the time? Is it you? If so, why? If it is, the best way to get him on board with how hard it is to be a parent is to give him parenting responsibilities. If you are taking on all the work, that is doing neither of you any good. Find a reason he has to take the baby. Join a gym or plan a weekend away with the girls or find a need to work when he's at home and you suddenly can't take the baby with you that day. This happened to me on accident. Around the time my dd was 1, I had things really blow up at work and had to work a lot of overtime. My ex-h had to take on more parenting responsibilties, he had no choice. I offered to quit but he liked the money. He did more dinners, more playtime, more everything for her. You know what happened? He bonded with her. He became a parent and he knew what that meant and how hard that was and also how wonderful it was.
If you don't *know* it's the end, then try and work it out. It will really help to have a professional, unbiased third party help you both through this and see if you can get rid of that 25% hell and 25% not knowing where you stand. If you get to the end, you won't have any doubts and at least you'll know you tried everything else first.
I agree with firstamendment.
Are you ready for a bit of honesty?
It sounds like you are unhappy with you. I always say that you have to be happy with YOU before you can be happy in a relationship. If you need him to be there ALL the time when you get home, you might just need a little "mommy time" to get yourself back into reality.
I have seen this happen all too much and have done it myself in my marriage. We tend to lose ourselves when we get married. We do things for everyone else and lose us in the process. If you work, take care of your child and come home to clean, cook and do all the other things to take care of H and your child.... that leaves NO TIME for mommy.
My suggestion is that you give your relationship a chance. It is unfair to rely on your spouse to make you happy. You have to be happy with you beforehand. It's time to talk. If he is unwilling, go to counceling.
First is so right when she says that having a baby is TOUGH on a relationship. Your relationship goes through HUGE changes. Especially when mommy goes into overdrive and forgets who she really is. It creates depression and routine and a HUGE rut. That can cause all the relationship stresses you mention. What you described does not sound like the end.
Please keep us updated and hugs!
Angelena
Hello... and Welcome!
First of all... letting you know when to expect him to be home if just common courtesy and a display of respect.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi there!
I knew it was over when I realized I'd rather be alone than to put up with stbx's B.S. any longer. Mine was also allowing me to be the breadwinner (even though he has an engineering degree) while he did nearly nothing. I had enough and felt like I was not respected or appreciated. Now that he's gone I see that my feelings were right. Look inside, you know the truth.
Melanie
it depends what you mean by