how do you know it's over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
how do you know it's over?
17
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 7:17pm

A question for those ending a M when the relationship wasn't abusive or volatile...

I am married 5 years, was married at 21. I have spent most of my M regretting the decision to marry so young. I feel like I stunted my own self-development and exploration. I have never lived on my own before or had to manage as an adult on my own (met H at 18). Lots of issues...

But my H is caring, and loving and painfully aware of my conflict. He just wants me to stay forever...I'm his "dreamgirl."

I spend far too much time fantasizing about being alone and single...and I wonder if my M is doomed because of this deep conflict. On the outside, we're the perfect couple: successful, get along, no major fights...but on the inside, and behind closed doors, I don't feel a passion or even a particular hunger for making this a lifelong relationship.

But because it's all I've ever known as an adult relationship, I am paralyzed - by guilt, by obligations, by "shoulds"...

how did you know it was time to move on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 1:36pm

With all due respect Jerry...how can you possibly say that her reasons and feelings are not concrete !?! The whole love, honor and cherish until death do we part thing is obsolete...we no longer have to live life unhappy and unfulfilled under the threat of some sort of duty or obligation to tradition.
People change, they grow, they mature and sometimes that means that they grow apart...living your life with someone you no longer love just to honor your vows is a waste of your lfie and his. That is especially true for soemone who spoke those vows when they were very young and had not yet found out who they really are.

Ya, it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, and I think you already know what the best course for your life is.
My advice would be to go through a trial separation, maybe for a period of 3 to 6 months. This will give you both time apart to really find yourselves and find out what you really want and need. Don't threaten divorce or leave angry....just explain it as a time apart to grow indivdually.
You may come to realize that he is indeed what you want and need...and if not, then you will know for sure before doing anything permanent or legal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 3:49pm

Well why exchange vows at all if you are not going to abide by them ? Perhaps I am old fashioned or taking the vows too literally or something. As I read about marriage from different sources I hear about couples that have talked about the lean times and how they held together through them. I can see your point about people growing apart. But when you talk about things being obsolete, I mean, the staying together part through thick and thin is the corner stone to the vow. Perhaps you are suggesting that institution of marriage itself is obsolete ? It is a very difficult question I believe. I would be curious about what other people think about this question. When is it ok to break your vows ? Simply when you are not happy with the marriage ? It sounds like it falls under the general category of ethics.

I agree with the trial separation that you suggested but only after some marital therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 3:53pm

Thanks for the different opinions. It's helpful to hear many perspectives.

I have decided that I need to start some individual counseling. My emotions feel too ovewhelming and confusing to handle on my own. I am terrified of telling H that I want to start IC because that means I have to tell him I am having some issues...but I think he already knows.

We are going on a vacation for a week, leaving tomorrow. Maybe this will bring some clarity. Maybe the relaxing setting will renew a spark inside of me, give me some hope.

I am so clouded right now with negative feelings towards myself that I can barely look at him. I just feel so guilty...

Anyway, I'll be back in about a week and maybe I'll be a little more settled, with a different perspective...

have a happy 4th!

~ya

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 5:33pm

Hello Ya-Ya. I hope you have a great week, and your week "off" will bring clarity.

You stirred an interesting thread, and some of the replies are truly interesting. At the basis is the very concept of marriage.

One can consider Marriage as an institution worth preserving, at the price of personal happiness. worth preserving no matter what, because its credibility builds the structure of society. Worth surviving, because of religious or moral reasons.

or, one can say that the individual build the society, and if the individual isn't happy, society cannot be happy. That your first duty is to yourself.

You are at a cross-road. I understand that there are no children yet. This is lucky. Please do not try to have children as a bind... having children is a great experience, but an added stress factor on a couple having problems. The fact that you do not have a family yet (and you are so young you can take your time!!!), means that you can truly decide only on the basis of what is good for you. Both you and your husband have right to happiness, honesty and love.

From what you say, it is probably a good idea that you follow some counseling. My guess is that you need a break - and then you may find that you just want to be back with your husband. You are missing your single life, some life of freedom... some time alone to understand who you are. find that, but try not to destroy what you have build in your life, to leave doors open so you can be back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 10:17am

Ya-

I'm glad to hear you've decided to start individual counselling. Hopefully your therapist will be able to aid you in sorting through your feelings and help you realize what the right decision is for you. It's possible that you do love your h and are unhappy in other areas of your life - i.e. you may be feeling stifled and need to spread your wings a little, but with counselling you can do this and still save your marriage. Or you may discover that you married for the wrong reasons as you fear and that it's time to move on.

Just wanted to comment on the issue of the marriage changing with the times. Personally I think it's not that more good marriages are ending in divorce, but that less people are maintaining the facade for society's sake and staying in miserable marriages. People don't always get married for the right reasons - sometimes you don't know your spouse's true personality or reasons for marrying you (eg. I believe my ex married me because he didn't want to be alone - not a good reason for marriage), or you fool yourself into believing a relationship is better than it really is and you discover you've made a mistake after the vows are made. Once you're married, I believe you should do everything you can to save the marriage, but both spouses have to be willing to work on whatever the problems are. If one partner isn't willing, or if the problems are insurmountable, you have to make a judgement call. You can stay because you made vows you're determined to keep no matter how miserable that means you'll have to be. Or you can accept that you've done your best but that not everything can be just because you want it to be, and give yourself permission to find happiness by starting a new life.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 5:52pm
Oh my dear,
I'm going through my own legal separation/divorce at this time. What I recommend to you is that you seek out a good counselor/therapist to discuss these issues with. Your thoughts and concerns need to be validated and it helps so much to have a professional,non biased person assist you with this. Good luck to you
A
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:47pm

Ya-Ya,

"I spend far too much time fantasizing about being alone and single..."

The more you think about something the more likely it will come to pass. If you spend all you time wishing and thinking about being single, the more likely your marriage will end in divorce.

What a waste of what sounds like a decent relationship.

Here's a challenge for you:What if you turned this situation on its ear? What if you thought about being happily married AND growing and developing yourself as an individual too? It's not only possible, it can be done.

Too often people if they were just "Free" of whatever they perceive as holding them back...debt, marriage, food, a job, etc. they'd be happy. What most people don't know is they escape some perceived unhappiness just to walk straight into another set of life challenges that are just as likely to be difficult.

My next question to you is this: How long have you been waiting around for your husband to make you happy? Do you expect him to fulfill your every need? What have you done to grow as an individual that doesn't take being single...or married?

Then I'd ask: What is your life dream? Do you know? Have you thought about it? Maybe it's to own your own home? Earn a degree? Start a business? Have more meaningful friendships? Be closer to your family? Volunteer? My guess is you can do these things and more inside your marriage. You'll be happier with your life if you spend more time working to create your own happiness than depending on your husband to provide it all for you.

Being "INdependent" is a good life skill because we never know when we have to make decisions for ourselves when our spouses aren't available or are unable to help us. Being "INTERdependent" means that once a person has an individual identity, he or she is ready to be an interdependent marriage partner, i.e. able to be independent but also able to share and contribute to his or her mate and the marriage.

An interdependent marriage allows spouses to support one another (emotionally) without one or the other becoming overly dependent upon each other for their happiness. To give you and example, I count on my husband for a great deal of emotional support, but I also have close friendships outside my marriage that provide emotional support. The same is true of my husband. We can count on each other for emotional support but we also take care of ourselves by cultivating our own friendships that provide the same thing.

I'll also caution you against comparing your life or situation to others. If you spend your day thinking about all the things you think you missed by marrying at a certain age, you'll miss out on what you have with your husband. Life is a series of choices and its impossible to know what we would have experienced or done because choose one path over another. The most important thing you could do is not look back and wonder; but look forward and embrace your life path right where you are.

Finally, divorce sounds simple and easy. I'm here to tell you its not. It happens and as a survivor of divorce I can say it is sometimes a path you must choose. However, I caution you against tossing your marriage out the window before you've taken responsibility for your own happiness INSIDE your marriage. If you do, I think you'll discover a whole new outlook on your life and your marriage. I hope you do.

Blessings,
Wisdomtooth

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